Just down for the count. Some health problems v-e-r-y slow to resolve. I am moving at a snail's pace back into the main stream of life.
Winter has arrived. I'm glad. I want to be holed up for a while yet. Dogs, cats and husband are fine. Will write more when I have something to say.
Take care. Love Bea
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
All's Well
I am so over summer. I want to get back to our winter routine. Or any routine. I don't do well with no schedule. This hot summer has been hectic and fast. I am ready to slow down and act instead of just reacting. I kind of envy the students.
Labor Day is upon us and by darn by October first our gallivanting is going to be over. Bring on the snow.
Love Bea
I will rue that last statement.
Labor Day is upon us and by darn by October first our gallivanting is going to be over. Bring on the snow.
Love Bea
I will rue that last statement.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Depression
I think I am depressed. Not as a character flaw but as a diagnosis. Semantics make all the difference.
I have down days. I mean days when I am unable to get up, either emotionally or physically. I fight these days tooth and nail. My main weapon is self abuse. I call myself a lazy slug, slob, ungrateful wretch, and pointless to name a few. Is self abuse an effective weapon? Hardly. So why do I use it? Because depression is a character flaw and I have to kill it. It is part and parcel of my old sinful nature and it is my Christian duty to squash this evidence of original sin like a bug. Somewhere I got the notion castigation could kill sin and SHOULD be used as the first weapon of choice.
Where do I come up with this stuff? I think I was taught it. I think it may be modified Calvinism but I am not sure. Anyhoo, it is majorly unhelpful and I am trying to rid myself of it. In comes Catholicism. Catholics believe our created bodies are Good, parts of the Body of Christ. So...if my depression is part of my body (inherited like my blond hair) then it and its manifestations (down days) are not evil, and I am not evil for having them. I have an inherited condition for which I am obligated to seek treatment to keep this Good body and mind in health. I do not need to war against my depression but seek care for it. I begin by not being surprised by my down days and fighting against them. I treat them. If you are physically sick you take medicine and/or take to your bed. If I am depressed I need to love my body/mind and minister to it. Ministering does not mean all the sugar I can eat. That would be more self abuse. Ministering does not mean isolation. Again more self abuse. Ministering means, what...? This I am still trying to work out. Any suggestions would be welcomed.
Thanks, Love Bea.
I have down days. I mean days when I am unable to get up, either emotionally or physically. I fight these days tooth and nail. My main weapon is self abuse. I call myself a lazy slug, slob, ungrateful wretch, and pointless to name a few. Is self abuse an effective weapon? Hardly. So why do I use it? Because depression is a character flaw and I have to kill it. It is part and parcel of my old sinful nature and it is my Christian duty to squash this evidence of original sin like a bug. Somewhere I got the notion castigation could kill sin and SHOULD be used as the first weapon of choice.
Where do I come up with this stuff? I think I was taught it. I think it may be modified Calvinism but I am not sure. Anyhoo, it is majorly unhelpful and I am trying to rid myself of it. In comes Catholicism. Catholics believe our created bodies are Good, parts of the Body of Christ. So...if my depression is part of my body (inherited like my blond hair) then it and its manifestations (down days) are not evil, and I am not evil for having them. I have an inherited condition for which I am obligated to seek treatment to keep this Good body and mind in health. I do not need to war against my depression but seek care for it. I begin by not being surprised by my down days and fighting against them. I treat them. If you are physically sick you take medicine and/or take to your bed. If I am depressed I need to love my body/mind and minister to it. Ministering does not mean all the sugar I can eat. That would be more self abuse. Ministering does not mean isolation. Again more self abuse. Ministering means, what...? This I am still trying to work out. Any suggestions would be welcomed.
Thanks, Love Bea.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Rain
It is raining. Has been a month since we have seen any precip. All the housewives in our little hamlet are outside drinking it in. The big Wyoming fire is just over the hill (read mountain range) from us. We get the smoke daily. I am not complaining, my sister-in-law is getting ash. The rain will help with the fire containment.
We had a quiet fourth because of the fireworks ban. The dogs loved it. Me too. I usually have to sedate Mollie. Jonah Tucker turns out to be afraid of the pops also. Nothing like spending a season with shaking, drooling dogs. Fireworks are legal here and our neighbor kids set them off all summer. I hope the fire ban lasts for a while.
I am rereading St. Augustine's "Confessions." I had to read it in college but did not remember most of it. This morning I read about his struggle with gluttony. I cried the whole while I was reading it. It describes my own struggle to a tee. Made me feel worlds better. If a saint battled with his outsize appetite I guess I can battle also. He said he had to use food "medicinally." This is where I need to be. Presently I use food for joy. He also reminded me satan tempted the starving Christ with bread. Not meat, green veg, beans, fruit, unprocessed grain, but baked bread. Food for thought, no pun intended. Not a big surprise I am also tempted by bread ( read cake, cookies, donuts, quick breads, bagels, gravy, and anything else with cooked flour in it.) As I was sitting there thinking about temptation and not eating bread this thought sprang into my head, "I am the Bread of Life." And, as now I am finally able to partake of The Real Presence, I don't have to give up Bread after all.
This whole deal just gets better and better. Love Bea
We had a quiet fourth because of the fireworks ban. The dogs loved it. Me too. I usually have to sedate Mollie. Jonah Tucker turns out to be afraid of the pops also. Nothing like spending a season with shaking, drooling dogs. Fireworks are legal here and our neighbor kids set them off all summer. I hope the fire ban lasts for a while.
I am rereading St. Augustine's "Confessions." I had to read it in college but did not remember most of it. This morning I read about his struggle with gluttony. I cried the whole while I was reading it. It describes my own struggle to a tee. Made me feel worlds better. If a saint battled with his outsize appetite I guess I can battle also. He said he had to use food "medicinally." This is where I need to be. Presently I use food for joy. He also reminded me satan tempted the starving Christ with bread. Not meat, green veg, beans, fruit, unprocessed grain, but baked bread. Food for thought, no pun intended. Not a big surprise I am also tempted by bread ( read cake, cookies, donuts, quick breads, bagels, gravy, and anything else with cooked flour in it.) As I was sitting there thinking about temptation and not eating bread this thought sprang into my head, "I am the Bread of Life." And, as now I am finally able to partake of The Real Presence, I don't have to give up Bread after all.
This whole deal just gets better and better. Love Bea
Thursday, June 28, 2012
I'm HAPPY
Life is good. Summer hit with a vengeance. I have been running around like a headless chicken. We are snow bound for eightish months so when warm weather finally arrives we all go at it like fools. I have planted so much stuff it takes me an solid hour every morning to water it. I also had to replant a bunch of stuff. As our soil is mostly rocks, planting and replanting requires a pickax and a serious investment of time and energy. I think I am about done with putting plants in the ground. When the tulips die back a bit more I will plant geraniums to replace them and then I will be finished. Yeah.
I am well and truly Confirmed. Was a tremendous experience. I did not know Father Flo was going to pour half a bottle of oil over my head. Mighty messy but sure smelled good. I can now take communion with the rest of the community. Let me just say it is a way different experience than I have ever known. It is dandy, just dandy. As a new Catholic I was able to participate in the dedication of our new church. Wow. Catholics sure do things up in a big way. Service was two and a half hours long. Then we ate. I felt like I had moved in. I feel like I have come home.
My counseling goes well. Much to be said for Christian (Catholic) Counseling. Also I am losing again finally. Only five pounds but is a start. I feel invigorated in all aspects of my life. Okay have to go and mow the darn lawn. I am looking into tapping into more blogs at "Grace Place." We'll see.
Take care any who are still reading. Love Bea
I am well and truly Confirmed. Was a tremendous experience. I did not know Father Flo was going to pour half a bottle of oil over my head. Mighty messy but sure smelled good. I can now take communion with the rest of the community. Let me just say it is a way different experience than I have ever known. It is dandy, just dandy. As a new Catholic I was able to participate in the dedication of our new church. Wow. Catholics sure do things up in a big way. Service was two and a half hours long. Then we ate. I felt like I had moved in. I feel like I have come home.
My counseling goes well. Much to be said for Christian (Catholic) Counseling. Also I am losing again finally. Only five pounds but is a start. I feel invigorated in all aspects of my life. Okay have to go and mow the darn lawn. I am looking into tapping into more blogs at "Grace Place." We'll see.
Take care any who are still reading. Love Bea
Thursday, May 17, 2012
1. Continual salvation.
2. Theology of suffering.
3. Saving us vs. saving me.
4. Where the buck stops (the Vatican).
5. Pressing on to the high calling (Good Works).
6. A great cloud of witnesses (Saints).
7. Mary, my loving Mother.
8. Sin, I'm accountable.
9. Dipped or Dunked?
10. Loving my incarnation.
I am in the process of converting to the Catholic Church. What was supposed to be a stop gap measure en route to another Protestant membership has forever changed my life. I am wayyyy out of my comfort zone. Thanks be to God.
I never thought about the Reformation. Luther and all those questions were not a part of my early religious training. I was not aquainted with Reformation Protestantism let alone the Church it was hell bent on protesting and reforming. I heard the Nicene Creed first when I was in my thirties. I was ignorant. I remained ignorant in spite of my involvement in several mainline denominations, and study for a masters degree in medieval religious history. I was raised to be a Pentecostal Fundamentalist. This non-traditional understanding of God's love for us has had a death like grip on me. Or more truthfully I have had a death like grip on it. Just now at 55 am I able to loosen my hold on what at best was a lot of nonsense and at worst, wrong. What I was taught as a child did not contain the whole Truth. But I believed it hook, line and sinker. Why, and why did it take me so long to come to Truth? God only knows. I make the last statement in faith.
This blog is evolving as am I. I will now be writing more about my faith journey than my physical journey. I will begin by writing posts about the differences I see between my quasi Protestant understanding of God and my dawning Catholic understanding of God. I expect to see my expanded faith with more clarity at time goes on. I am currently seeing through a glass darkly but things are lightening up daily.
Okay enough for now. Love Bea
2. Theology of suffering.
3. Saving us vs. saving me.
4. Where the buck stops (the Vatican).
5. Pressing on to the high calling (Good Works).
6. A great cloud of witnesses (Saints).
7. Mary, my loving Mother.
8. Sin, I'm accountable.
9. Dipped or Dunked?
10. Loving my incarnation.
I am in the process of converting to the Catholic Church. What was supposed to be a stop gap measure en route to another Protestant membership has forever changed my life. I am wayyyy out of my comfort zone. Thanks be to God.
I never thought about the Reformation. Luther and all those questions were not a part of my early religious training. I was not aquainted with Reformation Protestantism let alone the Church it was hell bent on protesting and reforming. I heard the Nicene Creed first when I was in my thirties. I was ignorant. I remained ignorant in spite of my involvement in several mainline denominations, and study for a masters degree in medieval religious history. I was raised to be a Pentecostal Fundamentalist. This non-traditional understanding of God's love for us has had a death like grip on me. Or more truthfully I have had a death like grip on it. Just now at 55 am I able to loosen my hold on what at best was a lot of nonsense and at worst, wrong. What I was taught as a child did not contain the whole Truth. But I believed it hook, line and sinker. Why, and why did it take me so long to come to Truth? God only knows. I make the last statement in faith.
This blog is evolving as am I. I will now be writing more about my faith journey than my physical journey. I will begin by writing posts about the differences I see between my quasi Protestant understanding of God and my dawning Catholic understanding of God. I expect to see my expanded faith with more clarity at time goes on. I am currently seeing through a glass darkly but things are lightening up daily.
Okay enough for now. Love Bea
Differences
1. Continual salvation.
2. Theology of suffering.
3. Saving us vs. saving me.
4. Where the buck stops (the Vatican).
5. Pressing on to the high calling (Good Works).
6. A great cloud of witnesses (Saints).
7. Mary, my loving Mother.
8. Sin, I'm accountable.
9. Dipped or Dunked?
10. Loving my incarnation.
I am in the process of converting to the Catholic Church. What was supposed to be a stop gap measure en route to another Protestant membership has forever changed my life. I am wayyyy out of my comfort zone. Thanks be to God.
I never thought about the Reformation. Luther and all those questions were not a part of my early religious training. I was not acquainted with Reformation Protestantism let alone the Church it was hell bent on protesting and reforming. I heard the Nicene Creed first when I was in my thirties. I was ignorant. I remained ignorant in spite of my involvement in several mainline denominations, and study for a masters degree in medieval religious history. I was raised to be a Pentecostal Fundamentalist. This non-traditional understanding of God's love for us has had a death like grip on me. Or more truthfully I have had a death like grip on it. Just now at 55 am I able to loosen my hold on what at best was a lot of nonsense and at worst, wrong. What I was taught as a child did not contain the whole Truth. But I believed it hook, line and sinker. Why, and why did it take me so long to come to Truth? God only knows. I make the last statement in faith.
This blog is evolving as am I. I will now be writing more about my faith journey than my physical journey. I will begin by writing posts about the differences I see between my quasi Protestant understanding of God and my dawning Catholic understanding of God. I expect to see my expanded faith with more clarity at time goes on. I am currently seeing through a glass darkly but things are lightening up daily.
Okay enough for now. Love Bea
2. Theology of suffering.
3. Saving us vs. saving me.
4. Where the buck stops (the Vatican).
5. Pressing on to the high calling (Good Works).
6. A great cloud of witnesses (Saints).
7. Mary, my loving Mother.
8. Sin, I'm accountable.
9. Dipped or Dunked?
10. Loving my incarnation.
I am in the process of converting to the Catholic Church. What was supposed to be a stop gap measure en route to another Protestant membership has forever changed my life. I am wayyyy out of my comfort zone. Thanks be to God.
I never thought about the Reformation. Luther and all those questions were not a part of my early religious training. I was not acquainted with Reformation Protestantism let alone the Church it was hell bent on protesting and reforming. I heard the Nicene Creed first when I was in my thirties. I was ignorant. I remained ignorant in spite of my involvement in several mainline denominations, and study for a masters degree in medieval religious history. I was raised to be a Pentecostal Fundamentalist. This non-traditional understanding of God's love for us has had a death like grip on me. Or more truthfully I have had a death like grip on it. Just now at 55 am I able to loosen my hold on what at best was a lot of nonsense and at worst, wrong. What I was taught as a child did not contain the whole Truth. But I believed it hook, line and sinker. Why, and why did it take me so long to come to Truth? God only knows. I make the last statement in faith.
This blog is evolving as am I. I will now be writing more about my faith journey than my physical journey. I will begin by writing posts about the differences I see between my quasi Protestant understanding of God and my dawning Catholic understanding of God. I expect to see my expanded faith with more clarity at time goes on. I am currently seeing through a glass darkly but things are lightening up daily.
Okay enough for now. Love Bea
Friday, May 4, 2012
Calories
I have been out of touch for a month. Vickie in that time you went private. If you are still checking in here I DO WANT TO READ YOUR BLOG. Helen has my email address. Please send me the password or whatever I need to get to the blog.
Much is changing in my life. I will be confirmed on Pentecost. I will be a Catholic. I am being given a new way to look at life and myself. Many scales have dropped from my eyes. The combination of counseling and RCIA classes have given me new lenses. I am grateful.
Again I learn the lesson of calories. I bought a couple of books touting the benefits of low glycemic carbs and weight loss. As I dearly wanted to hang on to bread, pasta and cookies I put the diet plan into action. I also decided to count calories again. I want to weigh 150 lbs. so I ate 1500 calories a day, including many low glycemic carbs. The outcome will not shock anyone. I gained weight.
My body wants protein, dairy, veg and fruit with small amounts of whole grains, legumes and potatoes thrown in for good measure. Sugar and flour in any amounts stall weight loss, pack on the pounds, and make me feel sick. I am very sad about this seeming life time sentence of deprivation.
But...I have a choice to look at my body type through new lenses. Some people have blue eyes and some have brown. Some people can well utilize carbs and some can't. I am a can't. It is genetic. I can tilt at windmills or accept the obvious. I accept the obvious. I am learning about "offering up" my trials and tribulations. I am offering up my sorrow at not being able to tolerate carbs. I am also anticipating joy in learning to practise mortification with my habit of overeating.
Okay all for now. Take care. Bea
Much is changing in my life. I will be confirmed on Pentecost. I will be a Catholic. I am being given a new way to look at life and myself. Many scales have dropped from my eyes. The combination of counseling and RCIA classes have given me new lenses. I am grateful.
Again I learn the lesson of calories. I bought a couple of books touting the benefits of low glycemic carbs and weight loss. As I dearly wanted to hang on to bread, pasta and cookies I put the diet plan into action. I also decided to count calories again. I want to weigh 150 lbs. so I ate 1500 calories a day, including many low glycemic carbs. The outcome will not shock anyone. I gained weight.
My body wants protein, dairy, veg and fruit with small amounts of whole grains, legumes and potatoes thrown in for good measure. Sugar and flour in any amounts stall weight loss, pack on the pounds, and make me feel sick. I am very sad about this seeming life time sentence of deprivation.
But...I have a choice to look at my body type through new lenses. Some people have blue eyes and some have brown. Some people can well utilize carbs and some can't. I am a can't. It is genetic. I can tilt at windmills or accept the obvious. I accept the obvious. I am learning about "offering up" my trials and tribulations. I am offering up my sorrow at not being able to tolerate carbs. I am also anticipating joy in learning to practise mortification with my habit of overeating.
Okay all for now. Take care. Bea
Friday, April 13, 2012
Spring
Is here. Last year at this time we had five inches of snow on the ground. I am over the moon about greenish grass and birds. The dogs think they have died and gone to heaven.
I am on an even keel. Still working on willpower. Is an uphill battle, but winnable.
We may be doing some traveling. I am looking forward to a wine tour in Nampa Idaho. Who knew. Also a trolley ride and a night at the opera. (I sound like Groucho Marx.) Nothing more to report.
Keep smiling. Lynn
I am on an even keel. Still working on willpower. Is an uphill battle, but winnable.
We may be doing some traveling. I am looking forward to a wine tour in Nampa Idaho. Who knew. Also a trolley ride and a night at the opera. (I sound like Groucho Marx.) Nothing more to report.
Keep smiling. Lynn
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Differences
This post is indirectly about fat.
I am in the process of switching my Christian tradition. I have been a Fundamentalish Protestant Christian for forty years. I am now ponderously moving toward the Catholic tradition. Is different. Fundamentally, no pun intended, different. I am not talking about The Real Presence in the Eucharist, Mariology, Purgatory, confession or Saintly intercession. Those are given differences. This is something else. Something I am having a hard time grasping. It has to do with self respect and self love.
I was taught to regard myself as a sinner saved by Grace. My past, present and future sins were forgiven if and when I repented, but my soul would always retain the effects of original sin. I was going to Heaven because of Christ's sacrifice on the Cross but my life on earth would be fraught with sin because of my "original sin" nature. I would spend my life being a victim of Satan who had access to my soul (and my actions) through my sin nature. I could expect my life to be a litany (no pun) of sin and repentance. I was going to sin, I had no choice, it was part and parcel of who I was. It was my job was to be on constant alert for sin and promptly repent of it. I was also taught all sin was the same in the eyes of God. He cannot look at sin so swearing and murder brought the same end, separation from God. I have spent years feeling like a sinful worm grateful to a picky god who out of regal magnanimity was willing to "save a wretch like me."
Okay so I began attending these RCIA classes. My husband calls them Roman Catholic Indoctrination Activities. The first thing they told me is that my original sin was removed when I was baptized. What???? Removed???? Who came up with that crack pot notion? Jesus it turns out. My whole world suddenly flipped on its' head. This was in the first damn class. (I am also learning about mortal and venial sin.) If I was not, while in this mortal coil, bent irrevocably by and toward sin who was I? It has taken me a couple of months to figure it out.
I am not a sinner. I am the Beloved of God made in the Triune Image and given His greatest gifts, life and choice. Yes there is a tempter and I will always be tempted. Sometimes I will sin because I am willful. But, Oh I love that word, but, I can choose not to sin. I am not condemned by my very nature to sin. Was painful to believe myself both the agent of sin and the sinned against. I was at war within. My nature is not sinner or victim of sin but Beloved. Good News indeed.
Now what does all of that have to do with fat? If I am not at my very core a sinner but a Beloved I (who sometimes gives in to the temptation and makes poor choices) can and should love and respect myself. I am not a victim of Lucifer or his minion me. I am a free Beloved. Who the Son has set free is free indeed. I do not have to live an out of control sin-full life. I have choice. I have free will. I have a working will. I thought it was broken. Bent by sin and never to be of any use to me. NOT. I am not a victim. Thanks be to God.
Damn. I may be going overboard with this venial sin thing. My obsession with sugar is not gone. I still eat over my emotions...but I don't have to. I can make different choices. I most time still make bad choices. I am cutting myself some slack. My will is weak. I haven't used it in forty years. I pray for strength and have started exercising my will. I don't like the exercise. It hurts. I am a whimp and lazy. But, I am a Beloved lazy whimp not a victimized stuck sinner. And it makes all the difference.
Pray for me as I will for thee.
Love Bea
I am in the process of switching my Christian tradition. I have been a Fundamentalish Protestant Christian for forty years. I am now ponderously moving toward the Catholic tradition. Is different. Fundamentally, no pun intended, different. I am not talking about The Real Presence in the Eucharist, Mariology, Purgatory, confession or Saintly intercession. Those are given differences. This is something else. Something I am having a hard time grasping. It has to do with self respect and self love.
I was taught to regard myself as a sinner saved by Grace. My past, present and future sins were forgiven if and when I repented, but my soul would always retain the effects of original sin. I was going to Heaven because of Christ's sacrifice on the Cross but my life on earth would be fraught with sin because of my "original sin" nature. I would spend my life being a victim of Satan who had access to my soul (and my actions) through my sin nature. I could expect my life to be a litany (no pun) of sin and repentance. I was going to sin, I had no choice, it was part and parcel of who I was. It was my job was to be on constant alert for sin and promptly repent of it. I was also taught all sin was the same in the eyes of God. He cannot look at sin so swearing and murder brought the same end, separation from God. I have spent years feeling like a sinful worm grateful to a picky god who out of regal magnanimity was willing to "save a wretch like me."
Okay so I began attending these RCIA classes. My husband calls them Roman Catholic Indoctrination Activities. The first thing they told me is that my original sin was removed when I was baptized. What???? Removed???? Who came up with that crack pot notion? Jesus it turns out. My whole world suddenly flipped on its' head. This was in the first damn class. (I am also learning about mortal and venial sin.) If I was not, while in this mortal coil, bent irrevocably by and toward sin who was I? It has taken me a couple of months to figure it out.
I am not a sinner. I am the Beloved of God made in the Triune Image and given His greatest gifts, life and choice. Yes there is a tempter and I will always be tempted. Sometimes I will sin because I am willful. But, Oh I love that word, but, I can choose not to sin. I am not condemned by my very nature to sin. Was painful to believe myself both the agent of sin and the sinned against. I was at war within. My nature is not sinner or victim of sin but Beloved. Good News indeed.
Now what does all of that have to do with fat? If I am not at my very core a sinner but a Beloved I (who sometimes gives in to the temptation and makes poor choices) can and should love and respect myself. I am not a victim of Lucifer or his minion me. I am a free Beloved. Who the Son has set free is free indeed. I do not have to live an out of control sin-full life. I have choice. I have free will. I have a working will. I thought it was broken. Bent by sin and never to be of any use to me. NOT. I am not a victim. Thanks be to God.
Damn. I may be going overboard with this venial sin thing. My obsession with sugar is not gone. I still eat over my emotions...but I don't have to. I can make different choices. I most time still make bad choices. I am cutting myself some slack. My will is weak. I haven't used it in forty years. I pray for strength and have started exercising my will. I don't like the exercise. It hurts. I am a whimp and lazy. But, I am a Beloved lazy whimp not a victimized stuck sinner. And it makes all the difference.
Pray for me as I will for thee.
Love Bea
Monday, March 19, 2012
New Directions
Much is happening in my life and I don't really want to talk about it. Tilt, tilt.
I always want to be heard by all and sundry. Why else blog? I have been willing to open the doors of my life to strangers, and like Blanche I have looked for and relied on their kindness. I found it in spades. So what is the deal? In the past when I stopped blogging it was because I didn't have the energy to put fingers to keyboard. This is different. Blogging now feels invasive. I find I no longer want to share the details of my life. Suddenly my inner and maybe even outer life seem private.
Don't know what this new boundary will mean for the blog. Only time will tell.
Take care. Love Bea
I always want to be heard by all and sundry. Why else blog? I have been willing to open the doors of my life to strangers, and like Blanche I have looked for and relied on their kindness. I found it in spades. So what is the deal? In the past when I stopped blogging it was because I didn't have the energy to put fingers to keyboard. This is different. Blogging now feels invasive. I find I no longer want to share the details of my life. Suddenly my inner and maybe even outer life seem private.
Don't know what this new boundary will mean for the blog. Only time will tell.
Take care. Love Bea
Friday, February 24, 2012
Time Out
It has been almost a month since last I posted.
I have had the flu. The cat was spayed and declawed. Other cat got sick. Husband had an out of town trial. I quit my church. Washing machine and dryer broke. Six hundred million feet of snow fell. The sun is shining today.
Therapy visit was tres beneficial. Emotional Deprivation Disorder results from lack of unconditional love in childhood. This lack of love stunts emotional growth. The body, intellect and to some degree the spirit mature, but many emotions remain immature. Ipso facto, you end up as an adult attempting to navigate the "grown-up" world with child like emotional reactions. The cure is unconditional love in the stunted areas. How does this work? Beats me. I am still in the process of going through my history.
Okay all for now. I am actually vacuuming and was shanghaied by the computer.
Love Bea
I have had the flu. The cat was spayed and declawed. Other cat got sick. Husband had an out of town trial. I quit my church. Washing machine and dryer broke. Six hundred million feet of snow fell. The sun is shining today.
Therapy visit was tres beneficial. Emotional Deprivation Disorder results from lack of unconditional love in childhood. This lack of love stunts emotional growth. The body, intellect and to some degree the spirit mature, but many emotions remain immature. Ipso facto, you end up as an adult attempting to navigate the "grown-up" world with child like emotional reactions. The cure is unconditional love in the stunted areas. How does this work? Beats me. I am still in the process of going through my history.
Okay all for now. I am actually vacuuming and was shanghaied by the computer.
Love Bea
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Sunshine today. Still ten below on north side of the house. All is white with the world.
Have lost five pounds as of today. Will probably go up by tomorrow as Husband's birthday celebration is tonight and I will eat pasta and cake, his favorites. I am prepared for a temporary increase and do not intend to go off the deep end about it. I am in it (food plan) for the long haul this time.
Had a birthday myself recently. I am now 55 years old. Seems weird but I am grateful, my mother died at 48. I have begun to get the weirdest mail. I got an add from a "scooter store." If I bought one of these scooters, according to the promotion, I would be doing wheelies in the parking lot in a matter of minutes. I don't think so. I have also begun to get catalogs advertising catheters and shower chairs. Come on. I may be a bit creaky in the knees on cold mornings but I am not yet ready for all this senior paraphernalia. Since when did 55 get to be the cut off age for youth? Like Jean Brodie, I believe myself to still be in my prime. Apparently I am the only one.
My first counseling session is today. I am hoping to work on trust. I think this is my main issue. Mebbee not. We'll see.
All done for another week.
Love Bea
Have lost five pounds as of today. Will probably go up by tomorrow as Husband's birthday celebration is tonight and I will eat pasta and cake, his favorites. I am prepared for a temporary increase and do not intend to go off the deep end about it. I am in it (food plan) for the long haul this time.
Had a birthday myself recently. I am now 55 years old. Seems weird but I am grateful, my mother died at 48. I have begun to get the weirdest mail. I got an add from a "scooter store." If I bought one of these scooters, according to the promotion, I would be doing wheelies in the parking lot in a matter of minutes. I don't think so. I have also begun to get catalogs advertising catheters and shower chairs. Come on. I may be a bit creaky in the knees on cold mornings but I am not yet ready for all this senior paraphernalia. Since when did 55 get to be the cut off age for youth? Like Jean Brodie, I believe myself to still be in my prime. Apparently I am the only one.
My first counseling session is today. I am hoping to work on trust. I think this is my main issue. Mebbee not. We'll see.
All done for another week.
Love Bea
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Community
Morning all. Blog day is here. Is cold again this a.m.. More snow in the forecast. Has been foggy for the last couple of days. The inversion traps the fog in the valley and we live for a few days in old London. I sure miss the sun.
I love this laptop. I am sitting in my easy chair in the living room. I am beside a window trying to get some light. The birds are at the feeder eating me out of house and home. Last year I was stuck using Husband's computer upstairs. I had to wear gloves and hat to stay warm. Not so now. As with most old houses there is heat under the window. I have a cup of tea at my elbow and two dogs asleep on the floor at my feet. The cats are on the back of the sofa watching birds through the picture window at the other feeder. All in all, just a dandy situation.
Had a bad eating day Monday. Husband did not come home for lunch as planned. My routine was altered and so my external control was weakened. Don't know why I need routine to maintain control over my eating but it is so. I am grateful to recognize it. I went nuts. Ate a jar of salsa and half a bag of mints along with multiple cheese sandwiches. The binge lasted all afternoon until Husband returned home in the evening. I felt like a worm. A stuffed worm. Had a good cry, talked to God about my out of controlness and went early to bed.
I don't know why my inner control is so weak. I believe I can control people and situations in my life. I labor at controlling people and situations in my life. I can't control people and situations in my life. I don't believe I can control myself so I don't even try. I probably can control myself. I think I have things bassackwards.
I have set up rigid outer controls to make up for my lack of inner control. My "shoulds". Bells and bright lights need to be going off here. This is a huge insight for me. The outer controls, my routine and order, sort of work but are punishing to maintain. I would like to have order and peace inside and have it flow out on to my environment. I start counseling next Wednesday. Christian counseling. I am looking forward to some help.
"You have not because you ask not." Yup. That would be me. I am asking. It is scaring the crap out of me. Community is where I will receive healing for my broken places. I attended my third catechism class last eve. Will the Catholic Church be part of my new community? Don't know. Is a long stretch to give up sola scriptura and the sole authority of Christ. And all that confessing, how humiliating. Just what I need. Less isolation, even in my relationship with God.
Okay all done. Today is my day off. (A housewife does not get days off unless she takes them.) I am going to read and take hounds for a walk.
Pray for me as I will for thee. Love Lynn
I love this laptop. I am sitting in my easy chair in the living room. I am beside a window trying to get some light. The birds are at the feeder eating me out of house and home. Last year I was stuck using Husband's computer upstairs. I had to wear gloves and hat to stay warm. Not so now. As with most old houses there is heat under the window. I have a cup of tea at my elbow and two dogs asleep on the floor at my feet. The cats are on the back of the sofa watching birds through the picture window at the other feeder. All in all, just a dandy situation.
Had a bad eating day Monday. Husband did not come home for lunch as planned. My routine was altered and so my external control was weakened. Don't know why I need routine to maintain control over my eating but it is so. I am grateful to recognize it. I went nuts. Ate a jar of salsa and half a bag of mints along with multiple cheese sandwiches. The binge lasted all afternoon until Husband returned home in the evening. I felt like a worm. A stuffed worm. Had a good cry, talked to God about my out of controlness and went early to bed.
I don't know why my inner control is so weak. I believe I can control people and situations in my life. I labor at controlling people and situations in my life. I can't control people and situations in my life. I don't believe I can control myself so I don't even try. I probably can control myself. I think I have things bassackwards.
I have set up rigid outer controls to make up for my lack of inner control. My "shoulds". Bells and bright lights need to be going off here. This is a huge insight for me. The outer controls, my routine and order, sort of work but are punishing to maintain. I would like to have order and peace inside and have it flow out on to my environment. I start counseling next Wednesday. Christian counseling. I am looking forward to some help.
"You have not because you ask not." Yup. That would be me. I am asking. It is scaring the crap out of me. Community is where I will receive healing for my broken places. I attended my third catechism class last eve. Will the Catholic Church be part of my new community? Don't know. Is a long stretch to give up sola scriptura and the sole authority of Christ. And all that confessing, how humiliating. Just what I need. Less isolation, even in my relationship with God.
Okay all done. Today is my day off. (A housewife does not get days off unless she takes them.) I am going to read and take hounds for a walk.
Pray for me as I will for thee. Love Lynn
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sea Change
There is a lake somewhere in Africa or India that turns over once a year. All the debris from the bottom is washed up into the light of day. Something like that is happening to me.
I have lost three pounds. Not much for two weeks of more controlled eating. It is taking me a long time to get back into the swing of things. A "clean" kitchen and pantry do not happen overnight. I am using up the items I bought that are not so beneficial for me. As these run out I buy the healthy stuff. (Once again I am delighted to realize meat and veg are cheaper than processed food.) I don't care that I am off to a slow start. This is not so much about weight loss this time. It is about surrendering my desire to have what I want when I want it. I have spent years gratifying most of my desires. The fact that my desires are modest does not mitigate my out of controlness. With money also. Just because we are not dead broke does not excuse my buying stuff I should not be buying. I want a better life. I can envision the life I want. I have a promise from God for a better life, IF I DO MY PART. I am going to do my part. I am going to be out of debt (minimal prob) and thinner (maximal prob). I am asking God for help every step of the way.
I am a person who likes order. I have felt bad about this desire even while realizing it is a God given part of my personality. Hard to live an out of control life while loving order. Makes me hate myself. I finally get it. God is not a god of chaos. My need for order is a blessed state. I can pursue order to my heart's content. Order not perfectionism. Order leaves margin for error. Mine and other people's. Perfectionism brooks no failure anytime, anyplace or in anyone.
Back to doing my part. I am making change one baby step (thanks Vickie) at a time. Order is motivated baby steps. Perfectionism is turning the world upside down for overwhelming immediate change.
First Baby Step: I pray daily for patience and perseverance. I have outlined my weak areas. I pray in the mornings for God to strengthen me in these specific areas. That is it for now
Animals are fine. Abby new cat is getting cuter and cuter. Weather is cold. Way below zero most mornings. Has warmed up and is snowing. Is that better? Not sure. Husband has cabin fever. Mee too. Okay off to the races. See you next week.
Lynn
I have lost three pounds. Not much for two weeks of more controlled eating. It is taking me a long time to get back into the swing of things. A "clean" kitchen and pantry do not happen overnight. I am using up the items I bought that are not so beneficial for me. As these run out I buy the healthy stuff. (Once again I am delighted to realize meat and veg are cheaper than processed food.) I don't care that I am off to a slow start. This is not so much about weight loss this time. It is about surrendering my desire to have what I want when I want it. I have spent years gratifying most of my desires. The fact that my desires are modest does not mitigate my out of controlness. With money also. Just because we are not dead broke does not excuse my buying stuff I should not be buying. I want a better life. I can envision the life I want. I have a promise from God for a better life, IF I DO MY PART. I am going to do my part. I am going to be out of debt (minimal prob) and thinner (maximal prob). I am asking God for help every step of the way.
I am a person who likes order. I have felt bad about this desire even while realizing it is a God given part of my personality. Hard to live an out of control life while loving order. Makes me hate myself. I finally get it. God is not a god of chaos. My need for order is a blessed state. I can pursue order to my heart's content. Order not perfectionism. Order leaves margin for error. Mine and other people's. Perfectionism brooks no failure anytime, anyplace or in anyone.
Back to doing my part. I am making change one baby step (thanks Vickie) at a time. Order is motivated baby steps. Perfectionism is turning the world upside down for overwhelming immediate change.
First Baby Step: I pray daily for patience and perseverance. I have outlined my weak areas. I pray in the mornings for God to strengthen me in these specific areas. That is it for now
Animals are fine. Abby new cat is getting cuter and cuter. Weather is cold. Way below zero most mornings. Has warmed up and is snowing. Is that better? Not sure. Husband has cabin fever. Mee too. Okay off to the races. See you next week.
Lynn
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Lost In The Fog
The second week of the new year. Who would have thunk it?
Major trauma and drama at our church. Some of us are struggling with the preaching of the idea of Universal Salvation in our fairly traditional setting. A few people have quit over the issue. I attend because my husband is still fighting the good fight. I get my spiritual sustenance elsewhere. I attended a catechism class with a friend last eve. Very enlightening. Very humbling. I know a moderate amount of Catholic theology from a scholastic setting. I found a much different kettle of fish from the faithful themselves. I will be going back.
New kitten is not preggers. She has a massive case of intestinal parasites. Worms. Gad. This cat is costing us a fortune. She is cute and we are all still terrified of her. She bites and scratches if she does not get her way. She has a particular hate on for Jonah. Poor little dog is getting neurotic.
Still snow and still overcast. Has been in the 30's, a miracle for this time of year. I am enjoying it.
I am back on my food plan. (I have gained back 30 pounds.) I am beginning to feel better as the grogginess of two years of relapse is rolling off me. I got a mini-tramp for Christmas so am jumping around in the mornings. Way more fun than the dreaded tread mill. Nice to look forward to salads again instead of resenting them. I guess if you get sick enough the cure looks like privilege instead of punishment.
Okay done until next week. Love Lynn
Major trauma and drama at our church. Some of us are struggling with the preaching of the idea of Universal Salvation in our fairly traditional setting. A few people have quit over the issue. I attend because my husband is still fighting the good fight. I get my spiritual sustenance elsewhere. I attended a catechism class with a friend last eve. Very enlightening. Very humbling. I know a moderate amount of Catholic theology from a scholastic setting. I found a much different kettle of fish from the faithful themselves. I will be going back.
New kitten is not preggers. She has a massive case of intestinal parasites. Worms. Gad. This cat is costing us a fortune. She is cute and we are all still terrified of her. She bites and scratches if she does not get her way. She has a particular hate on for Jonah. Poor little dog is getting neurotic.
Still snow and still overcast. Has been in the 30's, a miracle for this time of year. I am enjoying it.
I am back on my food plan. (I have gained back 30 pounds.) I am beginning to feel better as the grogginess of two years of relapse is rolling off me. I got a mini-tramp for Christmas so am jumping around in the mornings. Way more fun than the dreaded tread mill. Nice to look forward to salads again instead of resenting them. I guess if you get sick enough the cure looks like privilege instead of punishment.
Okay done until next week. Love Lynn
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