Yellowstone

We leave for Montana tomorrow. I am excited. We have to go through both Parks to get up there. A season pass for the Parks is outrageous. I am in sticker shock. It goes up every year. Oh well, I guess it is the price of keeping the roads in fair shape. Teton Park is beautiful but I love Yellowstone the best. I think it is the kid associations. The whole bear deal just gets me. You know, Smoky and Yogi and Booboo. We drive through those entrances and I am a kid again. Funny thing is, I didn't actually see Yellowstone until I was in my thirties. When I was a child it always seemed like the promised land. Like nothing bad could ever happen to you there. A weird fixation for sure, and it continues.

We visit the Park every summer. We have stayed in all the hotels and most of the cabins. They all have their charms but I love Old Faithful Lodge the most. We get a cup of something and sit in the comfy chairs on one of the upper balconies and just watch people in the lobby below. The huge log fire roars, the big clock ticks and we sip and talk and occasionally read. In the midst of all the hubbub I feel totally and completely safe and at ease. I relax. I am nuts about old hotel lobbies. I could sit in them for hours, and have. At Old Faithful Lodge the juxtaposition of all those Japanese tourists against the rustic log backdrop delights me. And all the kids racing around. What fun. We sometimes go out onto the huge log deck to watch Old Faithful blow. We sit in our pew with all the other cheerful relaxed tourists and watch the show. I've seen the geyser enough times now to be more interested in our companions. The grandparents and the kids love it best. And the honeymooners. They all hold hands and watch. Sort of like waiting for fireworks on the Fourth of July. Then comes the action, and the exclamations erupt right along with the geyser. Is wonderful. There is a surprising number of honeymooners. Who would have thought of going to Yellowstone for a honeymoon? Is a grand idea.

Markovian theory # whatever, (I've lost track.)
Women, looking for a quick insurance settlement, lure their husbands to Yellowstone and then do away with them in staged "accidents." For instance, they encourage the hapless husbands to feed the buffalo, by hand. They have the husbands lean w-a-y o-v-e-r a boiling mud pot to get a "good" photo. They pose husbands on canyon ledges and then demand a big energetic wave for the camera. They feed the poor fellows a heavy lunch and then insist on hiking to the bottom of Tower Falls. They send them out camping in bear country with strict instructions to store all perishables inside the tent. They send them into 'off limit' thermal caves to see if the sulfur steam, "smells this bad inside." They push them off the boat during the lake tour. They poison them with huckleberry ice cream.

He has come up with these thus far. Each year he adds to the list. I can't wait to see what this season's murder will be.

Other than the lodge and the geyser itself a big attraction for me at Old Faithful is the walking path. This paved path covers a couple of acres out in front of the lodge. It traverses the river and dozen or more other geysers. It threads its way in and out of trees and up hill and over dale. We get up at the crack of grey dawn and walk. We run into all sorts of wild life, and weary park rangers who have been up all night timing the geysers. Almost no one is out and about. It is a glimpse of what Lewis and Clark may have seen. We enter and exit the ever brightening light through steam from the geysers settled in the low spots. We have had a huge buffalo walk out of the fog to calmly contemplate us on the path. We all stopped stock still and stared at one another. Thank God he eventually ambled off as we were stuck. To get off the path was to be ankle deep in boiling water. A marmot chased us one year. This was before I lost weight. I was almost marmot meal. We have walked nervously through a herd of elk. Owls have glided over us. Birds of every feather have chirped at us. It is magical. By the time the sun is completely up we have made the circuit and are back at the lodge. We then go in and have a sumptuous breakfast. After breakfast we get a paper, more coffee and sit in the lobby and read for half an hour. By then it is 9AM and time for the real adventure to begin.

I can't wait.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea.

The Vacuum

It is snowing. Mark came home for lunch whistling "Walking In a Winter Wonderland." He is unfailingly cheerful. I hate him...frequently.

I have been thinking of many things. Fear, inertia, false expectations and cabbages and kings. I am stressing about our upcoming trip to Montana. Gobs of stuff to do. I usually let all the tasks I set for myself overwhelm and immobilize me. Then I try to do everything at the last minute. I eat the whole way through. This morning I noticed the overwhelmedness (my new word) has a physical component. It feels like a vacuum in my chest. Vacuum in the sense of suck up every particle of food in sight, and vacuum in the sense of hollow. This feeling scares me, or it is fear, I'm not sure which. I try to push it away or down with food. But there is not enough food in the western world to fill this fear full hole. I usually feel like crying along with the vacuum feeling. What I want is to be free of the overwhelmedness. I want to be at peace. Recall my prayer chair.

Aunt Wilma taught me the mechanics of overwhelmedness. She did not believe in slowing down, for anything. She would get overwhelmed and then just keep on pushing, screaming the whole way. This morning I decided to try a different track. I wanted peace. A relief from the fear of not meeting my own expectations. Remember if everything is not perfect I will be punished. (The jury is still out on who will do the punishing.) So I went to my prayer chair and sat for an hour. I did devotions and read a book. I let my mind wander right up into the midst of the fear. I looked at the consequences of not accomplishing all the stuff I think needs to be done before we leave. Not a dire thing in the whole bunch. This lessened much of the fear. After sitting there for my hour I got up and did the thing that was scaring me the most. I was going to put it off and have a sandwich, but changed my mind. Once the worst was over the rest did not seem so bad. I have not felt pushed to get stuff done, and I have accomplished a fair amount. I also let go of the fantasy of cleaning the entire house before we left. Yes it would be wonderful to come home to a clean house, but not at the price I would have to pay to get it cleaned. This decision freed me up to do more important stuff. What a day I'm having.

So, what have I learned? First, when that vacuum feeling starts, I need to feed my soul. It is empty and scared and needs to be stoked and loved before I can get anything else done. This is not procrastination, it is prevention. Second, MOVE. Start with the scariest/hardest thing and get it done. Like birth, once the head is out, it is all downhill from there.

This has been a darn good day, even if my beloved did risk near death by chorusing "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

Picture Perfect

Had our photos taken last Sunday for the new church directory. Warning bells going off anyone? We got the proofs this Sunday. We also had a potluck dinner for the Graduates. Louder warning bells? Pictures and potluck. Could there be a more rapid road to ruin? Yes I looked fat. I was shocked. I had thought I looked thinner. I looked like a toad. A big toad. It was just like old times. Just like I had lost no weight at all. I began to eat. I ate until I fell into bed Sunday night. I am okay this morning.

I am incredibly sad. The chimera of thinnitude is gone. I am fat. I have lost some weight but I am still fatter than normal. I had deceived myself into believing I looked normal. I don't. I guess this was/is a good lesson. I even volunteered to get this picture taken. We dressed up and everything. Truth is always better than lies. And Hagen Daz lies.

We go this weekend to see and old friend. Her daughter is getting married. Tammi and I go way back. We were fat teenagers together. She still outweighs me by a bunch. I don't really want to see, as in look at, her any more than she wants to look at me. We have been waltzing around this issue per phone for a month. I wanted to look thin before she saw me. Why? I know it will make her feel awful. But it would have made me feel good. Like I really had lost weight. The look on her face would have validated my weight loss. I love Tammi and do not want to hurt her. And I want to feel thin. If she thought I looked thin, then I really was thin. This convoluted thinking unraveled at the first glimpse of those stinking pictures. We are both still fat.

I am trying to make peace with my continuing girth. But it ain't easy. I have switched wedding outfits. I am not reverting to my jumper, but my formish fitting Easter dress is staying home. (I wore this for the pictures. I did not look "hot". See Easter post.) I am taking loose fitting clothing. I think I am relieved. Now I do not have to carry off the whole "new me' thing. Is much easier to be the old fat me. I am pissed off about being relieved. I want to be the "new me." I don't want to look like Paris Hilton, but I have had it with being a tubby matron. Matron okay, tubby, not. So what to do?

I am back to the tried and true food plan until after we get home, and then it's Atkins and Curves. This for three weeks will get me off the dreaded 181. Then...we'll see. I think my body is used to weighing 181. It is happy here, but I'm not. I am going to give 145 another shot. I may indeed have to learn to love 181 but NOT YET.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea.

My Prayer Chair

I had another wonderful morning. I spent time again in my prayer chair. I have been looking all over the house for a space that is mine. Dumb really, as the whole house is mine, but I wanted a special spot. I have tried several places. Either they were too cold or didn't have a window or the chair was uncomfortable or something just felt wrong. I do my devotions in the morning. I use several books, my Bible, my journal and a doodling pad. I also have to have room for a cup of tea, a clock and my white crocheted shawl. After making the bed yesterday I sat down to pet the cat. I have an old rocker in the bedroom. It was somebody's cast off I acquired in my travels. It just fits me. It landed in the bedroom for lack of someplace better to put it. I had forgotten how comfortable it was. I sat back to enjoy the comfort of the chair for just a moment, looked out, and knew I had finally found my spot.

This is an old odd house we are renting. I have been trying not to fall in love with it as we are not permanent. Too late. The master suite used to be the kitchen and is configured like a kitchen. The old breakfast nook is now sort of a dressing area. It overlooks the back porch through an old sliding glass door. This is where the rocking chair ended up. Sitting down in that chair has changed my world.

I opened the glass door today and hay scented bird song wafted in. Very birdy here. The back porch/deck is bookended by two old trees. These have now begun to leaf out. Bright green light filters in and onto my chair. I have a view of the entire back yard, a bit of the valley and the green black hills in the distance. The yard is old but some valiant neon lawn struggles on. At present it is more dandelion than grass. The grass looks like it has been spread with good butter. Usually I am anal about the lawn. I want an unblemished carpet of green. But I kind of like this frowzy yellow look. Especially as it is framed in violets. Under all the trees and bushes, are violets. They do indeed smell sweet. The right side of the yard is all old high lilac bushes. They are interrupted at irregular intervals with aspen in their midst. The white bark against the old grey canes and the dark green leaves is striking. The back of the yard is old fence held up by some ancient elms and an apple tree. There is about an eight foot break in the fence. Through this viewfinder I can see the yellow pasture, the neighbors horses, a gray house and the hills beyond. I can also see the small planes as they ascend and descend. I hadn't realized until today we could see them. The left side of the yard is the wall of an old granary. Some woman in years past planted fire engine red tulips. These surprise flowers look smashing against the light green of the old wall. The porch/deck extends across the whole back of the house. We have a table and chairs and dark green Adirondack chairs out there. Both the new kitchen and the master suite nook open onto the porch. This brings me back round to my prayer chair. I retrieved a small square table from the attic and set it next to the chair. I rounded up my devotional materials, my shawl and a foot stool. I made myself a cup of tea, and then sat down. The cats climbed on the bed and began to snore in the sun. Heaven.

I wish I could transport all of you here. We would pull up chairs and put our feet up, lean back, sip tea and just gaze at the beautiful world. We might get in a little praying also.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea.

P.S. I am still having linkage problems. Will attempt to fix next week. Cheers.

Changes

I am updating this site. I decided if I am going to take my writing seriously, I need to take the blog seriously. So, to that end, please note the addition of "Daily People." I also have "Weekly People" and "Occasional People" I will be adding. (Took me hours to figure out how to do this. Was quite simple when I understood I had "new blog" and not "old blog.") I still for the life of me cannot add links within the text. I did figure out how to add the whole URL link but don't want to do that. I just want to add name or blog title. If you can help me, please do so.

I updated my book list. This will be on going. Be warned "Santa Evita" is unnerving and depressing. Made me want to go and bathe after I read it, but I could not put it down. I love "Lucia" so all of E.F. Benson's books will reappear. These are my first Madeleine L'Engle and Anne Lamott books. So far, so good. "Psychosynthesis" is heavy sledding. May clash with my Christian understanding, and may not. Can't tell yet. I am reading "The Truth About Money" to find out how to handle money. About time right. This is a great book. I read it like a novel. Am learning lots.

I have written some short autobiographical stories. I will be posting some of them when I get up the nerve. When I get my new computer I will add photos. I am thinking about changing the look of the blog. Brown is so boring. But I kind of like the template. If the color can be changed let me know. I couldn't figure out how to do it.

Today is better. I sought comfort early in my prayer chair. When my soul is nourished it is much easier to nourish my body. Must remember this. Gorgeous day here. Touristas are are arriving by the motorhome load. (I can see the main road from my window.) Had blood drawn this AM at the Health Fair for a chem panel. Will see how healthy I am on June 2nd. Mark passed out again. Luckily they had him in the recliner. Odd how many men pass out during the blood draws. He was very embarrassed.

Need to go plan supper. All in all a good day.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

Hot dog! I figured out how to change the color of the font.

Freedom and Hunger

I have been eating non-stop since three pm. I knew I was going to eat today. I fought it off all morning. I held out until after talking to Mary. Then I began inhaling everything sugary I could find. And I couldn't find much. I picked dried raisins and cranberries out of some awful health cereal. I ate peanut butter and brown sugar as I don't have jelly or honey. I ate all of Mark's breath mints. I feel sick. I think it was that last breath mint that did it. What the hell is wrong with me? Answer...comes there none.

Mark had to spend the day in the main office today. I had the whole day to myself. This is usually bad. When presented with an unscheduled free day, I want to do nothing but eat. Today I wanted to spend the day eating candy and reading. I wanted pizza for lunch and hamburgers for dinner. I did not want to do anything productive. I wanted to unplug the phone and eat and read. This is not a formula for success. At the end of a day spent doing nothing but reading and eating I feel a self loathing that even suicide would not cure. So...I decided to get some things done. Every step was a push and a fight. All I wanted to do was sit and read and eat. I even went and had a massage today. This should have quieted the raging hunger but it didn't. In retrospect I should have said to hell with working today, bought some M&M's, and read and ate. I might have gotten bored with the sugar/book combo and quit without making myself sick. As is is I feel like a slob.

What happened? Why was I so hungry? Why does the prospect of time alone fill me elation and subsequent thoughts of food? It is like I am expecting a lover. Yippee I get to have a day of chocolate covered orgasms. Is this the face of addiction?

I feel fine I think. I don't think I was attempting to escape anything. Or do I feel fine? Maybe I feel empty. Those blogs took a lot out of me. They took bad stuff out, but as of yet I have nothing with which to fill the hollow holes. I am angry. And tired. I have nothing to give today. I just want. Damn I did a lousy job taking care of me today. Sunday was bad. Homicide early in the morning. Father killed mother in front of kids, on Mother's Day. Mark spent whole day on phone and back and forth from crime scene and Sheriff's office. Three little kids, oldest was eleven. Both parents drunk. Kids now in foster home and father in jail. Whooee. mucho pain Yesterday I did laundry all day. All that nutty house cleaning produced nutty amounts of laundry. Day started out good and went continually downhill. I needed a break. That would and could have been today. My body and spirit wanted to be nourished. Hence hunger. I just expect to go on like nothing affects me. I can't anymore. I have to take time to process every little thing. Irritates me. My massage person said my body was, "a mess." She asked if I had been digging ditches. Well, well apparently my body also needed time to unwind from last week. Who knew? Great learning going on here today.

I want and expect to have minimal emotional and physical responses. That is how the good sturdy farm folks I was raised around acted, and by darn I am going to act that way too. Only I can't. So I eat. Guess I will stop flogging myself for not meeting my own semi-unconscious expectations and go and take some Mylanta. And some Gas-X. In a couple of hours those raisins are going to attack me.

Take better care of yourselves than I do. Love Bea

Glad That's Over

I am worn to a nubbin. Last week was hard. The posts were the hardest. Also the cooking and cleaning and worrying about having company. And paying the bills. And I finally bought a mattress. And shopping on Saturday. Why so much in one week? Just lucky I guess.

Guess what? I think I am a writer. No really. I compose stuff in my head all time now. I see something and my mind automatically figures out how to write about it. Very odd. We went to an old bookshop we frequent and I browsed the writing section. Made me tired. All those rules about how to write. And how to be creative. I picked one up about syntax. Good golly. Made me want to lie down and rest. All those rules made me feel as though someone was attempting to teach me how to walk with a different gait. "No Bea, your verbs should move faster and did you know you are adjectoed?" Cripes. Maybe I'll just lapse into swear words. They sure shove a sentence along.

I went to Coldwater Creek and K-mart and bought summer clothes. All extra larges. I didn't even darken the carpet of the Plus Size sections. My style is refining itself. I weeded out some unfortunate purchases from early in my size 18 time. If I am going to wear 18's I figure I might as well have something I really like. I was just buying "get by" stuff because I thought I'd be getting thinner. I may still, but I am sick of looking like a rag-a-muffin in the meantime. I also packed up all the over large stuff I was still slopping around in. My wardrobe is smaller but more functional. Is a good feeling.

Okay this is the end of this post. I am going outside to hang washing on the line. I am having left over soup and salad for lunch. What a good day I'm having.

Take care. Love Bea