Monday, April 11, 2011
Update
More cheerful now. Still snowing. The neighbors got pigs yesterday. (Lets the smells begin.) I am going traveling. First time I have gone anywhere alone since I got married. I am looking forward to it. Have new computer but no wifi connection. Have new over the oven microwave. Life is good. Bye Bea
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Snowed Under
It only snowed six inches here on Tuesday. I'm grateful. Ten miles north of us it snowed two feet!
One and a half more weeks and I will be able to type on my own computer in the warmth. I can't find my gloves and my hands are freezing. How Husband survives up here I will never know.
Well...I guess it is no surprise. I am officially obese. I have returned to surviving on carbs, guilt and Gas-X. It is hard to be real fat again. Hard. Husband wants to go on a trip for our twentieth anniversary. In a week and a half. He wants to go to a hot springs resort. God help me. The only way I can get a swimsuit in time is to take the two smaller ones I own and sew them together. I have two pairs of jeans that fit and two sweatshirts and two blouses. These I wear to church and shopping. At home I live in sweatpants and His old shirts. I wear my snow boots over the sweat pants and my too snug old coat over the shirts to shovel snow and get the mail. How on God's (somewhere) green earth am I going to go on vacation for a week???? Mark sprung this on me today at lunch. He was so happy to make me happy. And I have and will ruin his happiness, again. Man is this hard to write.
My food problem has impacted our whole married life. I bawled on our wedding day because I looked like a whale in a cream colored dress. I died of shame inside on our honeymoon when a person had to be left behind on the hot air balloon ride to make room for me. So many places we did not go and things we did not do because I was too fat. Husband was understanding, but disappointed. And now twenty years later my fat continues to limit our lives.
Or not. I am praying for fat person courage. You know the kind, you suck it up, smile and just move forward into life through the wall of judgements. I can do it. I have done it before. I'll beg or borrow a swimsuit and some more clothes. I will go and do and smile.
It is hard to lie down in this bed I made of cheesecake and peanut butter.
Bea
One and a half more weeks and I will be able to type on my own computer in the warmth. I can't find my gloves and my hands are freezing. How Husband survives up here I will never know.
Well...I guess it is no surprise. I am officially obese. I have returned to surviving on carbs, guilt and Gas-X. It is hard to be real fat again. Hard. Husband wants to go on a trip for our twentieth anniversary. In a week and a half. He wants to go to a hot springs resort. God help me. The only way I can get a swimsuit in time is to take the two smaller ones I own and sew them together. I have two pairs of jeans that fit and two sweatshirts and two blouses. These I wear to church and shopping. At home I live in sweatpants and His old shirts. I wear my snow boots over the sweat pants and my too snug old coat over the shirts to shovel snow and get the mail. How on God's (somewhere) green earth am I going to go on vacation for a week???? Mark sprung this on me today at lunch. He was so happy to make me happy. And I have and will ruin his happiness, again. Man is this hard to write.
My food problem has impacted our whole married life. I bawled on our wedding day because I looked like a whale in a cream colored dress. I died of shame inside on our honeymoon when a person had to be left behind on the hot air balloon ride to make room for me. So many places we did not go and things we did not do because I was too fat. Husband was understanding, but disappointed. And now twenty years later my fat continues to limit our lives.
Or not. I am praying for fat person courage. You know the kind, you suck it up, smile and just move forward into life through the wall of judgements. I can do it. I have done it before. I'll beg or borrow a swimsuit and some more clothes. I will go and do and smile.
It is hard to lie down in this bed I made of cheesecake and peanut butter.
Bea
Monday, March 7, 2011
Computer Promise
If anyone is still out there I am on my way back to blogging.
I am getting a new laptop next month!! Yeah and thank the Lord. It is currently on lay-a-way at Radio Shack. If I had known about lay-a-way I would have purchased a computer years ago. Oh well, live and learn.
I am a mess. Very fat (205) and very snowed in. I'll bet we have four feet on the flat with five foot berms, in the back yard. A couple of weekends ago I rode 66 miles on a snow mobile. It almost killed me. I now have bragging rights as a real Star Valley person.
Husband is fine, dog is sweeter each day and cat continues snotty. My winter isolation is over.
Love Bea
I am getting a new laptop next month!! Yeah and thank the Lord. It is currently on lay-a-way at Radio Shack. If I had known about lay-a-way I would have purchased a computer years ago. Oh well, live and learn.
I am a mess. Very fat (205) and very snowed in. I'll bet we have four feet on the flat with five foot berms, in the back yard. A couple of weekends ago I rode 66 miles on a snow mobile. It almost killed me. I now have bragging rights as a real Star Valley person.
Husband is fine, dog is sweeter each day and cat continues snotty. My winter isolation is over.
Love Bea
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Update Time
As is my wont during the Holiday season I have been dragging bottom. When I drag bottom I want to isolate. Thank God I have friends who won't allow me to slink off into oblivion. I HATE their "interference" and "nosiness" but boy do I need it.
I hit 201 pounds a week ago. Scary, very scary. I feel like I can't control my eating. I know I can. My answer is the food plan outlined in Kay Sheperd's books. I am again slowly moving toward an abstinent food life. I am soooo grateful for the information I know. I hate hating myself. If I eat abstinently then I feel good. Good physically, mentally and spiritually. I am again at the surrender point. Wanting what I want when I want it only leads to destruction. To be truly full and content I need to limit my eating. And my spending and my tv watching and my other undisciplined behaviours.
Thanksgiving Day was pretty good. We went to friends' and I overate but not too bad. The real killer was last week's church Greening and Christmas party. I knew I shouldn't go. My Christmas clothes were too tight and I felt like a slob. I knew I was too vulnerable. But it was my "duty" to attend. (This condition of being "dutified" is common to Us all. I have had this condition since childhood. Since I have spent a goodly portion of my life in church the condition has played out allot in that venue. I am always at odds with myself over what I "should" do and what I want to do. Since God is involved the weight of the "shoulds" is heavy.) So I went. I had problems from the get go. I won't go into all of it but the evening came to a close with me telling off the pastor. Gad. I am an ass.
God has given me some revelations in the days since the party.
1. God does not see me as I see myself or as the culture sees me. He loves me unconditionally and desires my companionship above my service.
2. I cannot respect/love myself and be out of control.
3. I will not progress in any other area of my life until I completely embrace and address my food addictions.
4. Recovery is not selfish. It is God honoring at my highest.
So...
1. I went back on the hormones. I slapped a patch on my butt two days ago. I hope to be sleeping more in the nights to come. I hope to soon be flashing less. I hope to pick less doctrinal fights with the pastor.
2. I increased my Vit D to 4000 units per day. I got out my sunlight lamp and put it by my chair.
3. I am resigning myself to shoveling snow for an hour per day. I am looking at it as my exercise program instead of resenting it.
4. I am working my way back to the food plan. Each day I get more of the sugar and flour out of my diet and house. I found my food scale and am using it. I am using the measuring cups.
5. I put my bathroom scale in the closet.
6. I bought some new larger size clothing.
7. I am reaching out to friends and being vulnerable.
8. I am refusing to feel guilty about not measuring up to my standards of what a Christian should be.
9. I am reading my Bible daily with an eye for revelation.
10. I am praying so as to be "with" God.
Amen and the end.
Love Lynn
I hit 201 pounds a week ago. Scary, very scary. I feel like I can't control my eating. I know I can. My answer is the food plan outlined in Kay Sheperd's books. I am again slowly moving toward an abstinent food life. I am soooo grateful for the information I know. I hate hating myself. If I eat abstinently then I feel good. Good physically, mentally and spiritually. I am again at the surrender point. Wanting what I want when I want it only leads to destruction. To be truly full and content I need to limit my eating. And my spending and my tv watching and my other undisciplined behaviours.
Thanksgiving Day was pretty good. We went to friends' and I overate but not too bad. The real killer was last week's church Greening and Christmas party. I knew I shouldn't go. My Christmas clothes were too tight and I felt like a slob. I knew I was too vulnerable. But it was my "duty" to attend. (This condition of being "dutified" is common to Us all. I have had this condition since childhood. Since I have spent a goodly portion of my life in church the condition has played out allot in that venue. I am always at odds with myself over what I "should" do and what I want to do. Since God is involved the weight of the "shoulds" is heavy.) So I went. I had problems from the get go. I won't go into all of it but the evening came to a close with me telling off the pastor. Gad. I am an ass.
God has given me some revelations in the days since the party.
1. God does not see me as I see myself or as the culture sees me. He loves me unconditionally and desires my companionship above my service.
2. I cannot respect/love myself and be out of control.
3. I will not progress in any other area of my life until I completely embrace and address my food addictions.
4. Recovery is not selfish. It is God honoring at my highest.
So...
1. I went back on the hormones. I slapped a patch on my butt two days ago. I hope to be sleeping more in the nights to come. I hope to soon be flashing less. I hope to pick less doctrinal fights with the pastor.
2. I increased my Vit D to 4000 units per day. I got out my sunlight lamp and put it by my chair.
3. I am resigning myself to shoveling snow for an hour per day. I am looking at it as my exercise program instead of resenting it.
4. I am working my way back to the food plan. Each day I get more of the sugar and flour out of my diet and house. I found my food scale and am using it. I am using the measuring cups.
5. I put my bathroom scale in the closet.
6. I bought some new larger size clothing.
7. I am reaching out to friends and being vulnerable.
8. I am refusing to feel guilty about not measuring up to my standards of what a Christian should be.
9. I am reading my Bible daily with an eye for revelation.
10. I am praying so as to be "with" God.
Amen and the end.
Love Lynn
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Septic Harvest
Thank you all for continuing to check in with me. I appreciate it.
Well...I have been busy. The weather continues fine. We built a portico over the back door. We are building a tunnel thing over the garage door. The tunnel will divert the snow sliding off the roof and I will not need a pick ax to enter the garage from the back yard. We moved a pile of dirt to the back-yard. First we sifted out the rocks with small gauge wire fencing. This whole process was not as much fun as you might imagine. I planted about a hundred million tulips and daffodils in my gigantic flower bed. We put more pavers down in front of the back step. Ditto on fun. Today I weed and fed the lawn. We have four more storm windows to put in and then we are done. Yeah. I still have to wash half of the outside windows. Most of the inside ones are clean. I washed my comforter today and hung it outside to dry. Tomorrow is the living room drapes and all our winter gear I didn't get washed in the spring. It is supposed to snow by the week end so I am making hay while the sun shines.
My dryer blew up last week and I have spent much money getting the old thing functional again. Why do repair men never arrive on time? I wasted two days waiting for the guy. Very frustrating. I have been wined and dined by all the snow birds who went home in the past two weeks. I am very fat but had a GREAT time. Jackson Hole is beautiful right now, very few tourists. I am sad about yoga Fran leaving for the winter. I will miss her like the dickens. I taped her class and am going to do the routine at home with the dog. She will be my dogini.
I have been cooking like mad. Must be the Fall air. I made some pumpkin apple soup to die for. I "put up" fifteen quart containers of apples from our tree. I also made twelve pints of apple butter. I have been making apple desserts on the weekends. Mark thinks he has died and gone to heaven. On the weekends I also have been making big meat, i.e. pork roast, beef roast, ham, chicken or turkey. I cook the meat and veg on Friday and we eat on it all weekend. I have been putting the apple sauce over the pork roast before I bake it. Scrumptious. I have a friend with a huge garden. She had landed me with green beans, turnips, carrots, parsnips and beets. I froze most of the green beans and made borscht a couple of times with the turnips and beets. The carrots and parsnips are going in with the roasts. Speaking of tomatoes. I am still getting big fat red tomatoes. You have no idea how rare that is for this part of the world. I dutifully cover the tomato plant every night and so far it has not frozen. Has been getting down to 20-30 degrees at night. And now about the septic tank.
After our septic tank adventure we were left with a big area of bare dirt in the lawn. I was not bothered by this but Mark wanted me to replant grass. Okay, I found a baggy of grass seed in the garage and threw it down. A week later Mark came to me and said "you have got to see this." I dutifully followed him to the side yard. Low and behold, over our septic tank is an area of the most chartreuse green you can imagine. "What did you plant he asked?" " I think it's lettuce." Yep. We now are enjoying a regal harvest of fresh lettuce. It must be the heat coming from the septic tank that's keeping it from freezing. We are the talk of the neighborhood. My friend with the huge garden just put her septic tank area into spinach. Who knew.
And now I'm done. I hope to be reading and posting on a more frequent basis soon. Santa has said we might get a laptop for Christmas. I am not holding my breath. I hope you all are having a wonderful fall. I am.
Take care, Love Lynn
P.S. We had a wonderful time in Yellowstone and Teton Parks. We saw every kind of wild life but bears. We were the exception. Everyone we talked to had seen bears. Herds of them. Walking down the road and halting traffic just like the buffalo. Phooey. We had a fun time with our friends. There is nothing like vacationing with people of the same age and interests. Are you interested in a repeat next year Kim???
Well...I have been busy. The weather continues fine. We built a portico over the back door. We are building a tunnel thing over the garage door. The tunnel will divert the snow sliding off the roof and I will not need a pick ax to enter the garage from the back yard. We moved a pile of dirt to the back-yard. First we sifted out the rocks with small gauge wire fencing. This whole process was not as much fun as you might imagine. I planted about a hundred million tulips and daffodils in my gigantic flower bed. We put more pavers down in front of the back step. Ditto on fun. Today I weed and fed the lawn. We have four more storm windows to put in and then we are done. Yeah. I still have to wash half of the outside windows. Most of the inside ones are clean. I washed my comforter today and hung it outside to dry. Tomorrow is the living room drapes and all our winter gear I didn't get washed in the spring. It is supposed to snow by the week end so I am making hay while the sun shines.
My dryer blew up last week and I have spent much money getting the old thing functional again. Why do repair men never arrive on time? I wasted two days waiting for the guy. Very frustrating. I have been wined and dined by all the snow birds who went home in the past two weeks. I am very fat but had a GREAT time. Jackson Hole is beautiful right now, very few tourists. I am sad about yoga Fran leaving for the winter. I will miss her like the dickens. I taped her class and am going to do the routine at home with the dog. She will be my dogini.
I have been cooking like mad. Must be the Fall air. I made some pumpkin apple soup to die for. I "put up" fifteen quart containers of apples from our tree. I also made twelve pints of apple butter. I have been making apple desserts on the weekends. Mark thinks he has died and gone to heaven. On the weekends I also have been making big meat, i.e. pork roast, beef roast, ham, chicken or turkey. I cook the meat and veg on Friday and we eat on it all weekend. I have been putting the apple sauce over the pork roast before I bake it. Scrumptious. I have a friend with a huge garden. She had landed me with green beans, turnips, carrots, parsnips and beets. I froze most of the green beans and made borscht a couple of times with the turnips and beets. The carrots and parsnips are going in with the roasts. Speaking of tomatoes. I am still getting big fat red tomatoes. You have no idea how rare that is for this part of the world. I dutifully cover the tomato plant every night and so far it has not frozen. Has been getting down to 20-30 degrees at night. And now about the septic tank.
After our septic tank adventure we were left with a big area of bare dirt in the lawn. I was not bothered by this but Mark wanted me to replant grass. Okay, I found a baggy of grass seed in the garage and threw it down. A week later Mark came to me and said "you have got to see this." I dutifully followed him to the side yard. Low and behold, over our septic tank is an area of the most chartreuse green you can imagine. "What did you plant he asked?" " I think it's lettuce." Yep. We now are enjoying a regal harvest of fresh lettuce. It must be the heat coming from the septic tank that's keeping it from freezing. We are the talk of the neighborhood. My friend with the huge garden just put her septic tank area into spinach. Who knew.
And now I'm done. I hope to be reading and posting on a more frequent basis soon. Santa has said we might get a laptop for Christmas. I am not holding my breath. I hope you all are having a wonderful fall. I am.
Take care, Love Lynn
P.S. We had a wonderful time in Yellowstone and Teton Parks. We saw every kind of wild life but bears. We were the exception. Everyone we talked to had seen bears. Herds of them. Walking down the road and halting traffic just like the buffalo. Phooey. We had a fun time with our friends. There is nothing like vacationing with people of the same age and interests. Are you interested in a repeat next year Kim???
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
On The Road Again
Friend Kim and new cute husband arrive soon. We will visit for a bit and them we are all going to go to Yellowstone. Yeah. I am ready for some R & R. I am tired of cooking and cleaning. I want to be waited on.
I am watching the dog. She ate a bunch of grass on which I had just sprayed weed killer. First time she has ever done that. I gave her dog treats. These make her thirsty and she drank a lot of water. I hope I diluted the stuff. Gad.
Okay off to make soup and inflate a bed. Hosta la veesta Babies.
Bea
I am watching the dog. She ate a bunch of grass on which I had just sprayed weed killer. First time she has ever done that. I gave her dog treats. These make her thirsty and she drank a lot of water. I hope I diluted the stuff. Gad.
Okay off to make soup and inflate a bed. Hosta la veesta Babies.
Bea
Friday, September 3, 2010
"Life's Been Good To Me So Far"
In our little community church I am a rock star. I was the second keynote speaker at our women's retreat. In the morning I talked about the Western Christian tradition of meditation. In the afternoon I led two guided meditations. I was a hit. Only it wasn't me. Yes I studied for two weeks. Yes this is a subject about which I am very knowledgeable. Yes I have some little ability as a public speaker. But...when I got up to speak nothing came out like I had planned it. I don't even remember half of what I said. I opened my mouth and out it flowed. I think I gave a sermon. People laughed and then they cried. It was amazing, for all of us.
I have been asking God to use me. I never expected He would latch onto my gift of gab. Yes, I am a talker. Always have been. I have thought of it as a curse. Like my fat. The plump woman who could not keep her mouth shut. Believe me when I tell you I say some of the dumbest things known to woman kind. And people listen to and believe me. They always have. I have frequently felt like a big ole fakey manipulator. I know I can be persuasive. I thought using this gift was LYING. And sometimes it has been. I can't just leave the obvious alone. I have to jazz it up a bit. I love adjectives and adverbs. They contain the color of life. I long to present life with more pathos, gravity, excitement and humor than it actually contains. I have been told this gift was LYING. And sometimes it has been. When I talk or write I always try to have a governor on my mind/mouth. It is frustrating.
When I got up to talk something happened to me. The governor came off. I was free. Soaringly, leapingly free. All the superlatives in my mind and mouth were/are not enough to describe God. Telling people about God's love and having them listen to and believe me felt TRUE. Suddenly I was completely what God created me to be. In that moment I came to myself. In God. I was not self conscious. I was God conscious. What gracious liberty I was given. I am grateful. So grateful.
If you have been reading for a while you know what a burden my self is to me. It is too fat. It is too timid. It is too arrogant. It is too undisciplined. It is too judgemental. It is too self depreciating (tee-hee). I have longed to be shed of it. Food for me offered/s the release. I know this is not what God has in mind when the Bible talks about "dying unto self." We are meant to love ourselves as we love others so dying unto self cannot mean abandoning my self with addictions. I think I had a taste of what it means to die unto self. My willingness to be used by God lit up my God conscious enough to fade out my self conscious. I realize I have just described what happens during meditation. Amazing.
Okay back down to earth. I am having trouble with the praise I am receiving. Five women surrounded me in a restaurant yesterday with praises. I didn't know how to respond. I know it wasn't me. God came through me. So I said that. It is all I can say.
Take care, Love Lynn
I have been asking God to use me. I never expected He would latch onto my gift of gab. Yes, I am a talker. Always have been. I have thought of it as a curse. Like my fat. The plump woman who could not keep her mouth shut. Believe me when I tell you I say some of the dumbest things known to woman kind. And people listen to and believe me. They always have. I have frequently felt like a big ole fakey manipulator. I know I can be persuasive. I thought using this gift was LYING. And sometimes it has been. I can't just leave the obvious alone. I have to jazz it up a bit. I love adjectives and adverbs. They contain the color of life. I long to present life with more pathos, gravity, excitement and humor than it actually contains. I have been told this gift was LYING. And sometimes it has been. When I talk or write I always try to have a governor on my mind/mouth. It is frustrating.
When I got up to talk something happened to me. The governor came off. I was free. Soaringly, leapingly free. All the superlatives in my mind and mouth were/are not enough to describe God. Telling people about God's love and having them listen to and believe me felt TRUE. Suddenly I was completely what God created me to be. In that moment I came to myself. In God. I was not self conscious. I was God conscious. What gracious liberty I was given. I am grateful. So grateful.
If you have been reading for a while you know what a burden my self is to me. It is too fat. It is too timid. It is too arrogant. It is too undisciplined. It is too judgemental. It is too self depreciating (tee-hee). I have longed to be shed of it. Food for me offered/s the release. I know this is not what God has in mind when the Bible talks about "dying unto self." We are meant to love ourselves as we love others so dying unto self cannot mean abandoning my self with addictions. I think I had a taste of what it means to die unto self. My willingness to be used by God lit up my God conscious enough to fade out my self conscious. I realize I have just described what happens during meditation. Amazing.
Okay back down to earth. I am having trouble with the praise I am receiving. Five women surrounded me in a restaurant yesterday with praises. I didn't know how to respond. I know it wasn't me. God came through me. So I said that. It is all I can say.
Take care, Love Lynn
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