Fake Dieter

I am a mess right now so hold onto your socks.

My heart is cracking. Our current church, Lutheran, just chose to ordain gay clergy. Our former church, Episcopalian, chose to ordain gay clergy. We left the Episcopal church because we do not believe in gay CLERGY. Yes I think homosexual behavior is a sin. I also believe gluttony is a sin. I go to church every Sunday. Church is the place you take your sin because you cannot cope with it on your own. It broke my heart to leave the Episcopal church and our church family. I may soon need to survive another broken heart, don't know yet. Pray for me and Husband.

I was going to write a funny about Mark and turkey. Maybe I still will. I am ambling my way back toward my food plan. Part of the plan is four ounces of protein at each meal. No problem with lunch and supper, but I get awful sick of eggs for breakfast. So I have been making lean hamburger patties, salmon, little pork chops and...turkey burgers. I have tried every turkey burger on the market as well as making my own. All of them taste from bad to worse, and smell h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. So this morning I had a new brand of burger and decided to prekill the taste with a nice blend of herbs. I liberally sprinkled the herbs on the patties and flopped them on the grill. Within three minutes Mark came streaking into the kitchen from the shower. "No more damn turkey before 11:30 a.m.," he bellowed. "I don't want turkey burgers, or turkey breasts, or turkey meatballs, or turkey giblets or turkey legs for breakfast. What do you have against pigs? Why can't we just have bacon and ham and sausage like normal people?" Why indeed?

I started this blog a couple of years ago when I was losing weight. In the past three years I have quit losing and have regained fifteen pounds. Should I still pretend to be blogging about weight loss? I weigh 195 and seem to be mentally, emotionally and physically stuck there. I read the Fat Crack book, and sighed. I don't want to work that hard at my food. I read all of your success stories and feel like a fake dieter and a big ole failure. I am thinking of quitting the blog because I have nothing to add to the weight loss conversation. Does is matter if I quit writing about losing weight?

What do you all eat protein wise for breakfast? No chicken or soy protein (veggie burger) suggestions. They were sampled and vetoed along with the tuna patties.

Take care. Love Bea

Addicted To Emotional Comfort

The book "How To Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything" by Albert Ellis has been around since 1988. Ellis is the founder of RET, Rational Emotive Therapy. This school of psychotherapy loosely falls under the behavior modification classification. It is based on our ability to see and debunk our 'irrational" core beliefs and thereby change our "irrational" behavior.

For example, when I get extremely anxious I binge. My core belief is that I really "can't stand" suffering my off the charts anxiety (low frustration tolerance) and that I "have to have" the food to calm me down (fill in the empty spaces between the synapses). As all bingers know, that is a fairly cut and dried description of the ragged bleeding feelings that drive us to eat non-stop. Using RET to combat overeating is basically asking yourself a series of rational logical questions. The first of which may be, "Can I stand it? Am I standing it?"

I tried it. Turns out I knew full well I could "stand it." If someone had come to the door my binge would have shut down like I had been doused with cold water. I just didn't want to stand it. I wanted to get rid of the emotions, I wanted to feel the ahhhhh release, I wanted to relax and sleep. I did and do not want to feel my negative emotions.

I have never wanted to cope with my anxiety/frustration. Mark says my favorite saying is, "Why does everything have to be so damn difficult?" I did not realize I even said that. I eat because of low frustration tolerance.

Another of my core beliefs is that I am "owed." God or the universe "owes" me an easy life. What hubris. What irrational hubris. I didn't realize I believed this ridiculous thing. Since I am owed it is "unfair" when something bad happens to me. And I "just can't stand it." And I feel frustrated and anxious, and don't want to feel that way. And I eat to blot out the emotions. Round robin.

I only touched the tip of the information in this book. It is full of great stuff and has been a wake up call for me. If I choose to use the strategies of RET my life will change. It has already changed. Turns out the statement, "I can stand it," is VERY empowering. Addictions can be conquered.

I am sorry I am not reading more. I come up here once a week (maybe) to post and read. Seems like my time is filled up with other things and I do not think of this (blog) as a priority. I am rethinking this.

Take care. Love Bea

P.S. Yoga Fran says I am her most improved student. I can finally do the bow and last time I almost touched my socks while attempting the camel. I am a whiz at the plank.

Whew!

Good gravy what a month I had and am having.

I deep cleaned every square inch of my house and yard in preparation for guests. Then had two sets of guests. I have been to every fair and social gathering out there, and still have more to attend. I have purchased and cooked and eaten until I never want to see food again. (Alas, if only it were so.) I have shopped until I dropped and driven hundreds of miles to do so. I have spent money like it grew on trees. I have done so much laundry my washer is on permanent speed dial. I am having a good time but I am pooped.

I haven't had many insights lately because you have to be present to yourself for info to seep into the soul. I have been on autopilot. Cheerful autopilot, but still oblivious to almost everything but the next needful task. On one of these marathon shopping expeditions I did buy a book that is bringing me up short. "How To Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Absolutely Anything," has some uniquely useful thoughts. I know I have "minimal impulse control" but I did not know I also had "low frustration tolerance." These two conditions together are lethal for an addictive personality, or else they are the components of an addictive personality. I haven't got far enough into the book to know yet. I thought I had a high anxiety tolerance. Turns out being able to function effectively while anxious and under pressure is NOT low frustration tolerance. In fact tolerating this much misery for extended periods of time makes the condition worse!!! Low frustration tolerance is the inability to self soothe, I think. I have to read more about it to make sure. The condition is exquisitely painful and will be avoided at all costs. Addicts use their substance of choice to numb the pain of the anxiety. I'll bet this is another one of those things like impulse control that is normally taught in childhood. Bugger.... But I guess if Moll Dog's can learn impulse control, so can I.

I am going to do some research about this low anxiety tolerance thing. If any of you know about it please let me know.

Take care of yourselves and think of me as I smile sweetly at about a thousand more parties.

Love Bea

Fat Tax

Husband was reading something last eve that referred to an advocacy group who is urging that a "fat tax" be added to the new health care reform bill. The new tax would be leveled against people with above average BMIs. The greater your BMI, the greater your tax. The tax was deemed necessary because fat people cost the health care system more money.

Horseshit. I don't know about you all but I have to be on my death bed before I darken the door of a health care facility. We just do not seek out health care. And when we are finally forced to, we are frequently offered substandard (read cheap) care. I'll bet overall less health care money is spent on us than our thinner compatriots. Mark told me about this idiot proposal just as we were going to bed. It mad me boiling mad. So mad I couldn't sleep. So mad I spent a good portion of the night sitting on the sofa thinking. And this is what I thought.

How long Oh Lord am I going to be defined by my fat? The print/video world is always ready to squash me like a bug because of my "elevated BMI." But do I have to agree with that world? Maybe not. Went to a another party this past weekend. Sat with someone who I did not know very well. In the course of our becoming acquainted I brought up my struggle with my weight. This person said, "I didn't know you had a weight problem." There I sat in all my fat, and she couldn't tell I had a weight problem? I was astounded. What gives? I think I might look fatter to me than I do to the world at large. (no pun) Hard to accept, but I guess I do not look obese. Just run of the mill overweight. Ho hum, no big deal. (again no pun) So if the folks I meet and the folks I know do not define me by my fat, WHY THE HECK AM I STILL DOING IT?

Because I am unwilling to let go of my past. I am more comfortable with who I was than who I am. I am not a nurse, I am not a historian, I am not a wounded sexual abuse victim and apparently I am no longer fat enough to cause comment. I am label less in my head. Does that make me a nothing? Sure feels like a nothing. Again around the same mountain.

Life is busy. Washing windows and curtains. Finished new flower bed. Carpet cleaning next on the agenda. Family coming second weekend in August. Fair will soon be in full swing. Pigs next door are on short time. Apples on the tree are beginning to blush. Hummingbirds are drinking me out of pounds of sugar water. Husband is in love with lawn tractor. Life is summery good.

Take care. Love Bea

Still MIA

Gad it has been almost two weeks since I have even been near the computer. Summer has hit with a vengeance. Has finally warmed up and lawn and plants are growing like weeds. So are the weeds. Visitors and socializing are at an all time high. I almost long for a snow day. Strike that comment with a stick. It froze the week before last during the night. I no want cold no more.

I went to my physical and mamo apts. I have been having dreams about being raped ever since. My psyche does not like anyone touching my body. Had blood work done a couple of months ago at the health fair. Doctor reviewed it at this latest appointment. Blood work shows me as anemic. I don't think I am now. I think I was low on red blood cells because I had just donated a couple of days previous. I told doc this and suggested I get a blood panel now to check. But no, he is convinced I have gastrointestinal bleeding and need a colonoscopy. Give me strength. Yes I probably do need as colonoscopy as I am over fifty and have never had one. (Two saddled horses just strolled by reigns dragging on the ground. No, make that three. No riders in sight. Neighbor girl must be training them for the fair.) After much soul searching, I think I will go ahead with the procedure. But not because I think I have GI bleeding. I will do it because it is another opportunity to take care of myself. I hate going to the doctor. I went in for an annual physical and to get my prescriptions renewed and came out with bowel cancer. Oh yes, mamo went fine...no doctors involved. Phooey. (Okay here comes Rae with the horses. She must have been making them walk around the block.)

Sorry to all that I have not been reading. I miss you. Mark uses this desktop computer in the evening and I have been working like a dog during the days. So no computing. Next month is computer month for me!!! I have info about laptops coming out my ears and am way confused. Do I need a web cam and audio? Do I need a 15 or 17 inch screen? Do I need to burn CD's and DVD's ? How many USB ports do I need? What software do you all have that you couldn't live without? Do I need the pad that goes under the laptop to keep it cool? Do I need a mini mouse? What gadgets do you have on your computers that you couldn't live without? Thank you for your help.

Say a prayer for me about the colonoscopy. I am scared sick.

Enjoy the sunshine. I am. Love and kisses. Bea

MIA

Life has become complicated. I hate that. I am trying to do too many things in too little time. Here is a brief update of my fascinating life.

1. Yoga is great. I have identified my stiff areas. Turns out my upper body is fairly limber and my hips are practically set in stone. I am working on this. We had seven people at the last class. Yoga Jan and I were so pleased as it was just us a few weeks ago. Having to move the pews before each class is a pain in the...lower back.

2. Went back on my food plan. I am tired of feeling like hell as well as being fatter. Sugar is my enemy. Why can't I remember that?

3. Have appointments for physical and mammo. This is a major deal for me.

4. Mark may run for office. I am trying to decide if I can cope with all of the crap that goes with the decision.

5. I have turned some sort of corner self esteem wise. I am what I am and you either like me or not. Makes me no mind. I like me. I am a hoot.

6. Attended a dinner of wealthy retirees (golfers) on the Fourth. There were 400 of us in the RV Resort "Barn." Was like watching very well dressed tan people dancing on the deck of the Titanic. Tres weird.

7. Was in the parade in one of the little burgs up here. Had a grand time.

8. Moll Dogs is terrified of fireworks and thunder. We have had fire works and storms for a week. She has been sleeping in the bathtub with a radio going. I hate pretentious NPR but it is all I can pick up other than country and western. So I have been listening along with her. Ugh.

9. We were given an old lawn tractor. It runs and saws off the grass. I spent my summers mowing lawns as a kid. Turns out I can still whiz around on a tractor. Sure beats the electric push mower.

10. Figured out my CA conundrum. In the past all my "fun" trips to the Land of OZ were filled with fear and misery. No wonder my body did not want to go. Has taken my brain a little while to put the pieces together.

11. Haven't watched the tube for a while. I am busy during the day and am sitting out on the deck feeding the mosquitoes of an evening. Am reading about France in the thirties. A much needed relief from self help stuff.

12. Have signed up to do way to much stuff at church. This is coming to an end. I am quitting committees.

That's all folks. I will be doing catch up reading later when I get this darn policy for the church Stewardship Committee done. I used to get paid for writing policies and procedures. I loved it. Turns out I don't love it no more. Well I better get cracking, I have to present it at the Council mtg. tonight.

Hosta la veesta Babies. Bea

Recovery 101

Food will not cure the flu. How many times am I going to have to say this to you people?

I am much recovered. Lolling around wishing to die just made me feel worse. And eat more. I began to feel like myself when I got up and replanted my dog dug up barrels. Hope to eventually have radishes, lettuce, peas and cucumbers. Went to the store and bought stuff for window boxes and big barrel out front and also got those planted. Restained the deck!!!!!! Yeah. One of the summer projects done. Also washed a couple of windows and killed some dandelions from hell. Movement is good.

I need to remember that sitting around does not make me well, it just makes me depressed. I guess I live to accomplish stuff. When I do nothing my self esteem tanks. Mark made me rest on the sofa for a few hours. No reading, no watching t.v., no talking on the phone, and I wasn't sleepy. I was just supposed to recline there and enjoy the view. Fat chance. Yes it's a pun. I was ravenous immediately. Enforced idleness just kills me. I can only rest good if I have 1001 things to do and am putting them all off. Either way, I eat.

Had my second yoga class. I learned something. Man am I stiff. Almost rigid. I don't suppose that comes as a surprise to anyone. I see that this yoga stuff could do as much for my mind as it does for my body. I am rigid. I got rules for everything and I do not roll with the punches. I have my plan and if it is foiled I sort of shut down for a while. Friend Kim's husband-to-be says he needs time to mourn Plan A before he can move on to Plan B. Exactly. I can do spontaneous if I am relaxed, but I can't change horses in mid stream if I am focused or tense. Makes me crazy. And no plans at all are worse than mis-managed mounts. To have no plans is like being dead. I want to loosen up.

So this yoga thing, I am terrible at it. I crack and pop and fall over a lot. But, I think it will eventually make me more flexible.

Did you know that Harbor Boulevard in Anaheim is littered with little shoes? I could not figure it out. I thought it was some sort of very avaunt guard landscaping thing. Or maybe some perverted child abuse thing. Wrong. Harbor Blvd. leads straight into Disneyland. I watched a tired family shuffling down the sidewalk back toward the hotel late one evening. Mom was pushing a soundly sleeping baby in a stroller and Dad was carrying two tired toddlers. As he slowly walked along both of the kids fell asleep...and then their shoes fell off. A California mystery solved.

Next time: How a $45 facial ends up costing $235 and, gives the facialee raging athlete's foot. Another California mystery.

Take care. Love Bea