A New Lease

I screwed my courage to the sticking point and complained about our hotel room. They gave us a discount! Must remember to stick up for myself. Dog had a great time on our trip. We came home beat. Spent time with a friend who had surgery. I'd forgotten what it was like to be in a hospital. I am glad I gave up being a nurse, and yet....

Had a mini meltdown upon arrival back at home. Both of my credit cards had been cancelled from lack of use. This is a good thing in that I am no longer buying stuff I can't afford. It is a bad thing in that those cards were in my name alone. I now only have a joint card with Mark. I can't get another card because I have no income of my own.

I came through the women's movement alive, but not unscathed. The living part of me knows I have the life I always dreamed of. I am loved, I do not have to go to a job that sucks me dry, I have a house, I have a dog and I have t-i-m-e. The scathed part of me is terrified of becoming a bag lady. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle was our mantra. Didn't good old Gloria get married in the end? I have lost track of her. No credit in my own name and no nursing license to get one kind of a job and no master's degree to get another. I have let myself become financially dependant on Mark. And it terrifies me.

This is where the trust part comes in. I have a hard time trusting anyone but me, and I am not all that reliable. I can't even control my eating. I have to work at it to trust God. So...God in His mercy gave me Mark to practise on. Took me years to get to the point of trusting him, but I no longer worry about him leaving me high and dry. Now I worry about him dying. I wake up at night and listen for his breathing. He is a quiet breather. I wake him up to see if he is still alive. He is getting kind of tired (no pun intended) of this. Sigh.

I want to be unflappable. I used to be. I am now getting flappier and flappier with each passing year. I hate it. I want to be strong and sensible and stoic. Instead I have become fearful, impulsive and moody. I need to make peace with who I am and not who I wish to be.

2 hrs. later. I think I just rescued another dog. Neighbor girl and I have become friends. Her mother ( very pregnant) won't let her have a dog so she comes over a couple times per week to walk Mollie. Mollie loves her. Today she showed up in tears with an old starving hound dog someone had dumped off in the canyon. She wanted me to do something. Her Mom had told her to leave the dog alone. I fed and watered the dog. I gave her Mollie's old collar and a chunk of rope. I called and left a message at the humane society ranchette about the dog. I offered to keep the dog until I heard something. The neighbor girl is already half in love with this old dog. I can't blame her. A sweeter face I have never seen. Anyway she wanted to take the dog home and have her dad see the dog when he gets back from work. I think the dog has found a new home. I'll bet her Mom hates me at this minute. I would.

Flappily yours, Bea.

Friday: Old dog has new home. The dad came home last eve and said absolutely not for the dog, then named her Nana. Neighbor girl was just here. She is divinely happy with her new old dog. She is making plans for it. A new leash, collar, dog house (with heat and a light no less), brush and dog bowls are in the offing. Nana just sits and smiles and lets herself be fussed over. A night indoors with food and water have made a difference already. Mollie figured out she was old and quit jumping all over her. The neighbor girl and I took our dogs on a walk. Mollie was in seventh Heaven and Nana was serene. All's well here.