I have half an acre of brownish grass to mow, the house is dirty, the dog is bored, the washer is leaking, I forgot choir practise AND...my husband is calling me every evening with tales of fun adventures. Last eve he toured an old sailing ship on Fisherman's Wharf and took a boat tour around Alcatraz Island. The evening before that he rode up and down Nob Hill on a cable car. Tonight he is going to Chinatown. I hate him.
He is gone all this week to San Francisco to a death penalty seminar. He is having a blast. I hate him. I wanted to go but finances are tight and I HAVE GAINED WEIGHT. Both things stopped me from going. I hate him.
Our extra finances this summer have gone to home repairs and visits to Mentor Mary and Friends in hospital. I am happy we did all of these things and, I still resent being broke and stuck in Podunk WY while my husband is wining and dining in the City by the Bay.
Okay now down to cases. I could have put my ticket and meals and dog sitter on a credit card. Would not have been real smart but was sure doable. Truth? I didn't go because I felt and feel fat. Real fat. When they weighed me at Curves I weighed 196. That is 16 pounds I have re-gained. My clothes don't fit. I could not face going to the land of skinny people looking and feeling like a failed whale. Phooey.
Today I want to lie down and just give up. I want to let a tide of fat wash over and drown me. Why fight the inevitable? For multitudinous reasons I was meant to be fat and that is all there is to it. I am jousting at windmills in the attempt to be thin. I give in, give up, give over. I am a fat nobody going nowhere.
Goodbye cruel world.
Bea.
(Why am I laughing like a demented woman?)
5 comments:
Oh, honey! Been there, done that, probably going there again! Sorry for your re-gain and all of the attendant B.S. that goes along with looking and feeling larger than we might wish. I am in a similar situation right now.
A little paradigm shift for you -- I would LOVE to weigh 196!!! Twenty fewer pounds would be a GREAT thing for me. BUT, I do understand where you are coming from, I really do. Hang in there!
OK, the last part made me laugh like a demented woman, too...so we must have the same kind of dementia. I know how it feels to not want to go, and not go do stuff because I feel or felt too fat. Like leaving the house, period, to go anywhere at all. I have enjoyed the city by the Bay at 196 pounds. My last trip there before this one this year I was probably at exactly that weight. China town sucks as far as I am concerned. I am over it. Alcatraz is a prison, and I go to those all the time, they just aren't islands. I did have fond memories of my recent trip as you described fisherman's wharf, though and riding the cable car. But the podunk town in WY sounds fabulous to me, like a vacation spot in itself. I am just rambling right now. I have no point. I felt just like you this week with the ugly man relationship thing. Like it was my destiny, and to just lay down and let all the lousy feelings of no self worth wash over me. Some form of surrender I suppose. You hang in there. San Fransisco probably won't wash into the bay before you feel like going there. and feel good you did not incur credit card debt to go.. Why is the dog bored?
I feel about men relationships like you feel about the food relationship right now. Exactly. For multitudinous reasons I was meant to be in lousy relationships with men and that is all there is to it. I am jousting at windmills in the attempt to be normal or be with a man who actually wants more than just sex. I give in, give up, give over. I am a dysfunctional, psycho nobody going nowhere. - see what I mean...we have lots in common. But remember, just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, she turned into a butterfly. Right now I think I am cocooning.
All the way through your posting - I thought - it is great that she is just letting it all pour out so that she can get over it and move on. . .and I too am wondering why the dog is bored.
I'd be jealous of the husband too. It sounds really fun. I understand the need to be frugal and save money. On the other hand, it's not like he went to Grand Rapids, Michigan for a trip. It IS S.F. (Anyone reading this who is from Grand Rapids, please don't take offense. My ex went there for a conference and quite enjoyed the Gerald R. Ford Museum.)
Sixteen pounds? I'm assuming you're like me and you mean over the summer or since your last weigh-in. I don't know if you're meant to be fat or what. I've never thought I was meant to be thin; perhaps big-boned is more like it. In the past few days, I've had to walk up a hill and go swimming...my upper thighs hurt and I've been thinking that this is a good thing. It's not my size that bothers me but my apathy. I don't know how tall you are, but 196 would be a miracle weight for me. :-) I'm not sure who is in the Land of Skinny People. Most of the people I've seen (and including at the pool) have had serious junk in the trunk. They might be smaller than me, but they cannot claim the prize of Skinny (except the 11-year-olds).
I understand feeling sorry for yourself and being tired of the weight game. I wonder if we all think that everyone out there is finding food easy and keeping weight off easier than we do and therefore, there's something wrong with us. Hang in there, okay?
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