I am a big thinker. I analyze everything. I spend much time thinking about fat. Too much time. I am obsessed with it. My whole life is overlaid with fat thoughts. Is this healthy? ...I think not.
Almost my every movement is encompassed by how fat I am. Showering and dressing are the worst times but I can also make a fat fest out of pooper scooping. For instance, it is cold here this a.m., 10 degrees. So of course I had to put on all my winter gear before I could go out to dig for dog poop. I could not get one of my boots zipped. In zero seconds I decided the reason the boot would not zip was because I had gained weight in my ankles. And then I felt bad. Real bad. Like what is the point of living bad. All this immediate angst over a stuck zipper. My point is, I engage in this sort of thinking continuously. No wonder not even massive doses of estrogen can cheer me up. Who could be cheery being told once a minute they are a fat cow? I have to stop it.
Why am I doing this? Punishment. Self punishment negates the fat. Don't ask me why this works, it just does. Maybe I also think if I make myself miserable enough it will motivate me to lose weight. Hasn't worked yet. Alrighty then, what is my plan of action?
I can choose what I think. I have encouraged the "fat toad" thoughts for so long they now come unbidden. But...I don't have to indulge them once they arise. I can stop the thought in its tracks and think about something else. For instance, after putting on my excrement excavating outfit I glanced in the mirror. I have a close fitting pink knit cap with ear flaps. "I look like a fat Tibetan monk" I thought. For a change I recognized the nastiness of the remark, and, decided to do something about it. I looked myself straight in the eye and said, "That remark was unjustified and mean. Please forgive me." "Okay" I said "but don't do it again."
I foresee I may be apologizing to myself a million times a day for a while. That's okay. I deserve it. I have to atone for forty years of insults. I am not ignoring the problem of my overeating. But, calling myself creative awful names has never motivated me to lose one ounce and has in fact had just the opposite effect. "Lardo toado" just discourages me.
I have a visceral resistance to looking anything more than just clean when I am fatter. I almost cannot force myself to put on makeup and nice earrings if I am not thinner. "Lardo toado" and this reaction are part and parcel of the same thing I now see. I do not deserve to be continually insulted and I do not deserve to be made to look and feel like a frump. I have a right to be treated decently and I have a right to look and feel like a "Girl" if I so choose. So there Punishing Self.
I think I have had a break through. (A deer just ran down the road. It was being chased by a flock of pigeons.) I am grateful.
Is this self care? I think so. Love Bea
P.S. Estrogen is working. No hot flashes, no night sweats, no crying jags, better skin and sleeping all night. The whole patch was too much estrogen, so being no respecter of medicine, I cut the darn thing in half. Works like a charm.
6 comments:
Hey, you and I are twins, you know that don't you. We think the same. I am cracking up over the deer being chased by a flock of pidgeons. Tell me how that happens. I want to come to see you in the mountains. when you talk about it all i wish I was there. Maybe when I am unemployed i can ride the Greyhound bus up there... hee hee. I am glad you are taking charge of the whole thinking deal. I have to apologize to myself too and change the course of my thinking. lots right now since I had a gain. I am going to be focusing more on positives so I am glad you are on that band wagon. I loved this post. We are the same. Love you!!!! still want details on the pidgeons chasing deer..
I do the same thing and it's mostly when I'm "having a bad day". Is that intermittant depression? Hormone swings? Over stressed? or just a learned pattern from childhood.
When I disparage my own self, I just mimick what I think the rest of the world is thinking, but you know what? The rest of the world ISN'T thinking of me.
So, I have made a committment to myself to stop the negative self talk. Just stop it. Sometimes it's an hourly reminder, but it is getting easier. When the awful thoughts come in, I say "stop that"
"that's an inappropriate comment" "
and then I replace it with a confirming thought or even a laugh, both raise my spirits. I might have also looked in the mirror and thought "fat monk", but then I would have cracked up--because that truly is funny. I mean, for God's sake, you are cleaning up poo--you have the RIGHT to look like anything you want too! I'm not thinking sexy is in that equasion.
I love my hormones...when they are working right, the world is a much happier place for me. :-)
Thanks for this post...I think I need to give myself a break too...I can see how that might help stop the self-destructive behaviors...
Speaking of hormones, I blame mine for three of the pounds gained. I have noticed a better mood and more feelings of wellbeing so I am going to stick it out and give myself time to adjust.
loved the idea that half is better than the whole thing. it did not make me think of food/servings - it made me think of perfectionism or throwing myself whole hog into something - and my mother has found the same thing with sleeping pills - she cuts them in half - they work - and then she has somewhere else to 'go' with them if 1/2 stops being enough.
I'm also guilty of that kind of thinking and wishfulness. (If only my ankles weren't so fat, I could wear shorter boots at least..., etc.)
I've been making myself dress up by at least putting on a necklace and/or a pair of earrings but I agree with you, it's hard and far too easy to punish ourselves and then let ourselves off the hook. After all, no one else can punish us and it gives an excuse not to do more.
Another really good post.
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