We were gone half of last week and we are leaving again on Friday. I am stressed out about trying to get up and running for summer and all this travel is driving me nuts.
I finally got the gigantic flower bed planted (60 plants) and also window boxes and barrels at front step. My five roses in barrels died. Wayyyyy to much rain. In their places I have planted rhubarb, strawberries, a tomato plant, lavender and day lilies. Over the weekend we got out the patio furniture and grill and furnished the deck. Mark has killed the weeds in the lawn twice. They are thriving. I will drag out the hoses tonight to start watering. I have half the storm windows out. I have half the windows washed on the inside. I have half the curtains washed, ironed and rehung. I also still have to wash throw rugs, our bed comforter and the living room slip covers. It is so good to hang stuff on the line. (My small old beloved dryer will not accommodate much more than clothing.) Then I will start cleaning the house. First project is to shampoo the rug. Then I will wash walls in the kitchen. Phooey.
Mark said the other day that we live in winter country. He is so right. Being holed up in a house for eight months makes us all crazy come summer. We go like gangbusters for July, August and September and then it is time for winter again. If you don't hit the ground running at the end of June, poof, summer is gone. I have to say, it is bea-uuu-tiful here right now. Spring flowers and blinding green grass. This won't last long. It was 90 degrees earlier today. In a few days the grass will start turning brown. Oh and the mosquitoes. They flew the dog around the yard last eve. She was not amused.
I quit drastic for diet. Turns out the equivalent of Medifast does not mesh with my constitution. I need MUCH, MUCH more fiber and protein. Gad. That protein powder went in like paste and came out like cement. Holy moly. My digestive system may never return to normal. I was thrilled to eat oatmeal and blueberries Sunday morning. I am fairly okay with my weight at present. We will see how I am after this weekend. I have to go to a wedding. I hope to not focus on my fat and to enjoy the people around me. Some of the folks are real judgemental. Say a prayer for me to just let all the comments roll off, or to be brave enough to respond in kind. I am getting my toenails touched up tomorrow. Maybe I will just flash those at the "skinny" police.
Okay have to run. I need to make reservations at Chico Hot Springs and at the dog resort (jail).
Take care. Love Bea
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Maintenance
I am alive again. Thank You God.
Looks like Mark is going to get to keep his job and current salary. Our health insurance may be cut in half. The county budget is tight but NO ONE was laid off. The county attorney budget short falls were finally found to have been due to Mark's former boss's mismanagement and not Mark's. His good name is clear again. We are all grateful.
Okay, in the past week I have joined Curves, gone to yoga, had a chiropractic adjustment, had my teeth cleaned, gone to coffee with the girls, had my hair cut and dyed, had my legs waxed and started Drastic with diet.
I have not been spending any money for a couple of months. Fear you know. Well, getting all of the above done was not cheap and sort of sent me into sticker shock and guilt. No job you know. I always feel bad about spending money on my body when I am not the one earning the salary. I told Mark I felt guilty about spending money on myself and did he want to do something nice for himself. He promptly said he wanted to buy a $70 computer game. I said, "No I mean something nice for your body. Like I have been doing. Pampering yourself." He looked at me like I had lost my mind. "What do you mean pampering? All that stuff is just routine maintenance." Hold the phone Nellie. "Routine maintenance?" Getting your legs waxed? We had a real enlightening conversation after that. Turns out my husband wants me to do girly stuff and look girly. He asked my why I had quit painting my toenails! I was poleaxed.
My female relatives and church taught me to believe anything more than clean and neat for a woman was the apex of vanity and selfishness. The feminists taught me to devalue anything smacking of "feminine wiles." Sexual abuse taught me to hate my body, so why be nice to it or decorate it. I guess I just assumed Mark shared my views. Gad. I feel liberated. Is that not hilarious? After all that feminist crap I feel liberated when "given permission" to treasure my body and become a "high maintenance" chick. This could get damn interesting.
Take care. I love you all. Lynn
Looks like Mark is going to get to keep his job and current salary. Our health insurance may be cut in half. The county budget is tight but NO ONE was laid off. The county attorney budget short falls were finally found to have been due to Mark's former boss's mismanagement and not Mark's. His good name is clear again. We are all grateful.
Okay, in the past week I have joined Curves, gone to yoga, had a chiropractic adjustment, had my teeth cleaned, gone to coffee with the girls, had my hair cut and dyed, had my legs waxed and started Drastic with diet.
I have not been spending any money for a couple of months. Fear you know. Well, getting all of the above done was not cheap and sort of sent me into sticker shock and guilt. No job you know. I always feel bad about spending money on my body when I am not the one earning the salary. I told Mark I felt guilty about spending money on myself and did he want to do something nice for himself. He promptly said he wanted to buy a $70 computer game. I said, "No I mean something nice for your body. Like I have been doing. Pampering yourself." He looked at me like I had lost my mind. "What do you mean pampering? All that stuff is just routine maintenance." Hold the phone Nellie. "Routine maintenance?" Getting your legs waxed? We had a real enlightening conversation after that. Turns out my husband wants me to do girly stuff and look girly. He asked my why I had quit painting my toenails! I was poleaxed.
My female relatives and church taught me to believe anything more than clean and neat for a woman was the apex of vanity and selfishness. The feminists taught me to devalue anything smacking of "feminine wiles." Sexual abuse taught me to hate my body, so why be nice to it or decorate it. I guess I just assumed Mark shared my views. Gad. I feel liberated. Is that not hilarious? After all that feminist crap I feel liberated when "given permission" to treasure my body and become a "high maintenance" chick. This could get damn interesting.
Take care. I love you all. Lynn
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Rain
I think I am growing moss on my north side. The dog is so bored she just stares at me and whines. My roses are a sickly yellowish color. I am doubling up on my Vitamin D to counteract the gloom. The pigs next door are traveling around on water wings. The ducks laugh all day. And still it rains.
On the brighter side, a robin has moved into our car port rafters. She built a nice cozy nest directly over the driver side of our car. She refuses to vacate the nest so we are doing this sort of hula maneuver to enter and exit the car. Very tricky that. I will be glad when the babies are born and reared. It is fun to greet her each time I open the back door. On a less happy note, voles have moved into our basement. They tunneled around a basement window and took up residence in our old tax returns. Yuck. Mouse poops and urine all over everything. The cat ignores them. We plugged up the holes during a hiatus in the downpour and now just have to clean everything up. I refuse to do it alone so it will have to wait until the weekend. We put out traps. Nothing so far. I hope they moved out before we walled them in with Quick-Crete.
Still no job news. Turns out everyone in county government is nervous. I am only worrying about it from seven to eight p.m. every other day. Seems to be working.
On the fat front...who gives a rip? I am not gaining so I am not worrying. I started yoga again.
Yoga Fran came back from Florida. Gad am I stiff. It is great to start stretching again. I also bought some of those new "Sk*tchers" shoes. Thought they would be good for my posture and would give me a better workout while I walked. Not so much. I have plantar fascitis so bad I can hardly walk. I am not sure my feet will ever get back to normal. Those darn shoes were very expensive to be so lethal. I have a friend who is going to try to sell them for me on e-bay. I have worn them four times. I am going broke buying lineament for my feet. I also bought some heel pads for my shoes. Yoga Fran has me doing some stretches for my feet and ankles. I hope something works. I walk like and old lady.
I have been entertaining. Let me rephrase that. We have had two groups of people over for dinner. Was fun. I have figured out that four guests plus us is the ideal number. The house will seat them comfortably and food and dishes are not a chore. If it ever stops raining we will stain the deck, get the furniture out and entertain out there. I wish summer would arrive. Okay that's all. See you next month.
Love Bea
On the brighter side, a robin has moved into our car port rafters. She built a nice cozy nest directly over the driver side of our car. She refuses to vacate the nest so we are doing this sort of hula maneuver to enter and exit the car. Very tricky that. I will be glad when the babies are born and reared. It is fun to greet her each time I open the back door. On a less happy note, voles have moved into our basement. They tunneled around a basement window and took up residence in our old tax returns. Yuck. Mouse poops and urine all over everything. The cat ignores them. We plugged up the holes during a hiatus in the downpour and now just have to clean everything up. I refuse to do it alone so it will have to wait until the weekend. We put out traps. Nothing so far. I hope they moved out before we walled them in with Quick-Crete.
Still no job news. Turns out everyone in county government is nervous. I am only worrying about it from seven to eight p.m. every other day. Seems to be working.
On the fat front...who gives a rip? I am not gaining so I am not worrying. I started yoga again.
Yoga Fran came back from Florida. Gad am I stiff. It is great to start stretching again. I also bought some of those new "Sk*tchers" shoes. Thought they would be good for my posture and would give me a better workout while I walked. Not so much. I have plantar fascitis so bad I can hardly walk. I am not sure my feet will ever get back to normal. Those darn shoes were very expensive to be so lethal. I have a friend who is going to try to sell them for me on e-bay. I have worn them four times. I am going broke buying lineament for my feet. I also bought some heel pads for my shoes. Yoga Fran has me doing some stretches for my feet and ankles. I hope something works. I walk like and old lady.
I have been entertaining. Let me rephrase that. We have had two groups of people over for dinner. Was fun. I have figured out that four guests plus us is the ideal number. The house will seat them comfortably and food and dishes are not a chore. If it ever stops raining we will stain the deck, get the furniture out and entertain out there. I wish summer would arrive. Okay that's all. See you next month.
Love Bea
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Lusts of the Flesh
Has been a long time since my last post. Mostly I have been inert, with flurries of...self care. Surprised you didn't I.
I am not good at living in limbo land. The latest date for info about county budget cuts is June first. I hope we know by then if Mark has a full time job.
I am still s-l-0-w-l-y getting rid of stuff. I am now going through boxes of stuff I stored because I didn't know what else to do with it. You know about those. You forget about the contents until you open the box and think, "Oh crap it's this junk again." Very therapeutic on all levels.
My eating is good or bad depending on the day.
I just read a book by Susie Orbach called "Bodies." Very enlightening. You remember Susie, "Fat is a Feminist Issue" Susie. Has been years since I read anything by her. I'm not sure why I bought it. It was darn expensive for a paperback and I am paranoid about money right now. The book made me feel good. Like taking off a tight girdle, pardon me, shape wear pantie. I read the book, looked in the mirror and said, "Yep, that looks like me." Not "fat belly, bad Lynn", "droopy upper arms, disgusting", "wobbly double chin, all your fault," just..."yep that looks like me. I look amazingly like my mother." What a relief.
I am now reading "Having a Mary Spirit" by Joanna Weaver. Very enlightening. Joanna also wrote "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World." Bought "Mary Spirit" after I bought "Bodies." To paraphrase Monty Python, I wanted something completely different. Turns out, not so much difference between the two. Joanna talks about the nature of "Flesh Woman." This would be the woman who sins by giving in to "fleshly" desires. This would be apple eating Eve and her ravenous daughters. Joanna forced me to confront my opposing thoughts about sins of the "flesh." I am not the only conflicted Christian out there. The Christian church has been divided about "fleshly" sin since Paul and Peter, and the Arian heresy. For 2000 years we have been taught sin resides not just in our sinful natures but also in our physical bodies. Those of us who suffer with cravings of various sorts have had no trouble believing the teaching. But just because we were taught heresy as truth does not make any the less heretical. The space between the joints in my elbow is not full of sin, it is full of synovial fluid. My red blood cells are not carrying sin, they are carrying oxygen. My body does not contain sin or cause me to sin. My sinful "appetites" do not arise in my digestive system. My ingrowing toenails are innocent of sin. Yes my poor body has had to endure the consequences of my sins but is sure isn't the cause.
So, what do Susie Orbach's Bodies and Joanna Weaver's Flesh Woman have in common? Both books say the obvious. Our physical bodies are just our bodies. They are not "good" if they are thin/beautiful and unsullied and "bad" if they are fat/ugly and commit sin. They are morally neutral. This is good news for a fatish sinnerish woman who has has a hell of a time caring for and about her "temple."
Take care. Love Bea
I am not good at living in limbo land. The latest date for info about county budget cuts is June first. I hope we know by then if Mark has a full time job.
I am still s-l-0-w-l-y getting rid of stuff. I am now going through boxes of stuff I stored because I didn't know what else to do with it. You know about those. You forget about the contents until you open the box and think, "Oh crap it's this junk again." Very therapeutic on all levels.
My eating is good or bad depending on the day.
I just read a book by Susie Orbach called "Bodies." Very enlightening. You remember Susie, "Fat is a Feminist Issue" Susie. Has been years since I read anything by her. I'm not sure why I bought it. It was darn expensive for a paperback and I am paranoid about money right now. The book made me feel good. Like taking off a tight girdle, pardon me, shape wear pantie. I read the book, looked in the mirror and said, "Yep, that looks like me." Not "fat belly, bad Lynn", "droopy upper arms, disgusting", "wobbly double chin, all your fault," just..."yep that looks like me. I look amazingly like my mother." What a relief.
I am now reading "Having a Mary Spirit" by Joanna Weaver. Very enlightening. Joanna also wrote "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World." Bought "Mary Spirit" after I bought "Bodies." To paraphrase Monty Python, I wanted something completely different. Turns out, not so much difference between the two. Joanna talks about the nature of "Flesh Woman." This would be the woman who sins by giving in to "fleshly" desires. This would be apple eating Eve and her ravenous daughters. Joanna forced me to confront my opposing thoughts about sins of the "flesh." I am not the only conflicted Christian out there. The Christian church has been divided about "fleshly" sin since Paul and Peter, and the Arian heresy. For 2000 years we have been taught sin resides not just in our sinful natures but also in our physical bodies. Those of us who suffer with cravings of various sorts have had no trouble believing the teaching. But just because we were taught heresy as truth does not make any the less heretical. The space between the joints in my elbow is not full of sin, it is full of synovial fluid. My red blood cells are not carrying sin, they are carrying oxygen. My body does not contain sin or cause me to sin. My sinful "appetites" do not arise in my digestive system. My ingrowing toenails are innocent of sin. Yes my poor body has had to endure the consequences of my sins but is sure isn't the cause.
So, what do Susie Orbach's Bodies and Joanna Weaver's Flesh Woman have in common? Both books say the obvious. Our physical bodies are just our bodies. They are not "good" if they are thin/beautiful and unsullied and "bad" if they are fat/ugly and commit sin. They are morally neutral. This is good news for a fatish sinnerish woman who has has a hell of a time caring for and about her "temple."
Take care. Love Bea
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Guilt
I don't usually post two days in a row but I have to get this down on paper, or pixels, lest I forget. See yesterday's post for saga of Mark's job.
I was sitting on the couch today at 10:30 feeling guilty and eating bread and butter sandwiches. I felt guilty because it was 10:30 and I hadn't yet done anything.
Digression---I got up today at 5:30. I let dog out. I dressed, washed face, brushed teeth. I started coffee. I set up ironing board. I fed dog and cat. Mark got up. I ironed shirt and slacks for Mark. I turned on radio and listened to weather. I made cup of tea. Mark read his Bible and then showered. I cooked breakfast (oatmeal, eggs, grapefruit) while drinking tea and listening to local sports and birthday requests. Stripped sheets off bed and put them in the washer. Mark dressed and we sat down to eat. Finished eating and did Bible reading together. Mark put on coat and tie and left for work. I put on boots and went outside to drag huge black trash trolley to side of road. Went indoors and gathered up trash and ran it outside. Too late. Trash truck drove by and did not pick up trash. Again. Called trash people and argued with them about trash guy missing us every week. Trash girl was rude and said someone would be by to pick it up in the afternoon. Went inside and put on coat. Dog and I went outside to pooper scooper and feed birds. Came indoors fixed second cup of tea and sat down to do my devotions. Did devotions and then watched my preacher lady on television for 45 minutes. Got up from chair and transferred laundry to dryer. Noticed time. Felt horrible lazy and sat down on couch and gave in to tears and despair and bread. Felt guilty for not getting anything done.
As I was sitting there in my guilt, sniffing and eating my bread and butter, I chanced to tune into my thinking as my vision circled the room. My glance first fell on the television. I felt guilty for watching Joyce in the mornings. I felt guilty because there was a light layer of dust on the t.v.. I looked at the clock above the t.v., it was late and I wasn't doing anything. I looked at the walls. I hadn't washed them since we painted them three years ago. My eyes traveled to my desk. More dust. Inside a welter of unfiled stuff and indecision about what to discard. Also guilt about not sticking to budget better. Calendar came into view next. Gad, the days I have wasted doing nothing useful. Door next. The door has some scuff marks on it. Mirror next. Permanent streaks on mirror from years of spaying Windex on it instead of on rag first when cleaning. Mark's chair next, chair cover needs washed and side table needs dusted. Coat closet. Full of way to much stuff. Needs cleaned out. Front door. Needs screw tightened in doorknob. Green chair. Towel in chair seat is covered in cat hair. Window. Drapes need washed. Window is filthy after winter. My chair. Way to many books on side table. More dust. Magazine on the floor. Floor needs vacuumed. Sofa in front of picture window. Drapes need attention. Window is dirty. Cushions need cleaned. Cat hair on back of sofa where cat is sleeping in sun. Fat woman eating bread sitting on sofa feeling guilty about every damn thing in the room. I forgot the sleeping dog. Felt guilty I had not taken Mollie out for a run yet. (I did not feel guilty about the cat. She is living like a queen.)
My whole life has been based on feeling guilty for not measuring up. As the guilt piles up I feel overwhelmed and out of control. I hate feeling overwhelmed and out of control so I eat to ease the feeling. I then spiral deeper into guilt/despair for the eating and eventually become inert. Then I sleep.
Woke up at 2:00 pm. Prayed for deliverance from guilt. Prayed hard. I am not going to live like this. I am just not having it. I am not going to feel guilty for every f**king thing I do or do not do. Conviction comes from God. Guilt and condemnation do not. If I sin, I feel convicted, I say sorry, I make amends if possible, and I move on. If I feel guilty it is just tricks of the puny one and I stay stuck. NO MORE STUCK.
Take care. Love Bea
I was sitting on the couch today at 10:30 feeling guilty and eating bread and butter sandwiches. I felt guilty because it was 10:30 and I hadn't yet done anything.
Digression---I got up today at 5:30. I let dog out. I dressed, washed face, brushed teeth. I started coffee. I set up ironing board. I fed dog and cat. Mark got up. I ironed shirt and slacks for Mark. I turned on radio and listened to weather. I made cup of tea. Mark read his Bible and then showered. I cooked breakfast (oatmeal, eggs, grapefruit) while drinking tea and listening to local sports and birthday requests. Stripped sheets off bed and put them in the washer. Mark dressed and we sat down to eat. Finished eating and did Bible reading together. Mark put on coat and tie and left for work. I put on boots and went outside to drag huge black trash trolley to side of road. Went indoors and gathered up trash and ran it outside. Too late. Trash truck drove by and did not pick up trash. Again. Called trash people and argued with them about trash guy missing us every week. Trash girl was rude and said someone would be by to pick it up in the afternoon. Went inside and put on coat. Dog and I went outside to pooper scooper and feed birds. Came indoors fixed second cup of tea and sat down to do my devotions. Did devotions and then watched my preacher lady on television for 45 minutes. Got up from chair and transferred laundry to dryer. Noticed time. Felt horrible lazy and sat down on couch and gave in to tears and despair and bread. Felt guilty for not getting anything done.
As I was sitting there in my guilt, sniffing and eating my bread and butter, I chanced to tune into my thinking as my vision circled the room. My glance first fell on the television. I felt guilty for watching Joyce in the mornings. I felt guilty because there was a light layer of dust on the t.v.. I looked at the clock above the t.v., it was late and I wasn't doing anything. I looked at the walls. I hadn't washed them since we painted them three years ago. My eyes traveled to my desk. More dust. Inside a welter of unfiled stuff and indecision about what to discard. Also guilt about not sticking to budget better. Calendar came into view next. Gad, the days I have wasted doing nothing useful. Door next. The door has some scuff marks on it. Mirror next. Permanent streaks on mirror from years of spaying Windex on it instead of on rag first when cleaning. Mark's chair next, chair cover needs washed and side table needs dusted. Coat closet. Full of way to much stuff. Needs cleaned out. Front door. Needs screw tightened in doorknob. Green chair. Towel in chair seat is covered in cat hair. Window. Drapes need washed. Window is filthy after winter. My chair. Way to many books on side table. More dust. Magazine on the floor. Floor needs vacuumed. Sofa in front of picture window. Drapes need attention. Window is dirty. Cushions need cleaned. Cat hair on back of sofa where cat is sleeping in sun. Fat woman eating bread sitting on sofa feeling guilty about every damn thing in the room. I forgot the sleeping dog. Felt guilty I had not taken Mollie out for a run yet. (I did not feel guilty about the cat. She is living like a queen.)
My whole life has been based on feeling guilty for not measuring up. As the guilt piles up I feel overwhelmed and out of control. I hate feeling overwhelmed and out of control so I eat to ease the feeling. I then spiral deeper into guilt/despair for the eating and eventually become inert. Then I sleep.
Woke up at 2:00 pm. Prayed for deliverance from guilt. Prayed hard. I am not going to live like this. I am just not having it. I am not going to feel guilty for every f**king thing I do or do not do. Conviction comes from God. Guilt and condemnation do not. If I sin, I feel convicted, I say sorry, I make amends if possible, and I move on. If I feel guilty it is just tricks of the puny one and I stay stuck. NO MORE STUCK.
Take care. Love Bea
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Faith Less
Okay I can take a joke as well as the next guy, but eight inches is just silly. It was five below last Tuesday and today it's snowing. I'm so over winter.
Life goes along apace. One job interview down, a couple more to go.
If we have to move again it will really tell what I am made of faith wise. I demonstrated minimal faith during the last two moves. The move up here to our mountain paradise rental house happened so fast I didn't have time to panic and over control. Plus we sold our house at home and made money so I wasn't worried sick about finances. When we bought this house and moved I was exhausted and pissed off but not too fearful. This time will different.
Our house is worth $50,000 less than when we bought it three years ago. Fifty thousand dollars. I am having trouble even getting my mind around this fact. The market is flooded with for sale homes much nicer than ours. We have done a lot to this house but it is still ninety years old and small. I fear ain't no one out there a gonna want a vacation home with oodles of charm but no dishwasher. We are trying to figure out what to do about the house if Mark gets one of the jobs. None of the options are appealing. This is where the faith comes in.
If we move we will have to do a U-Haul move as we can't afford a mover. We used up all our savings fixing up the house. Traveling to and from interviews and house hunting is expensive. If we found a place then there are all the down payments and first and last months rent. I have been figuring out how to cash in our IRA and life insurance. I don't know where we will get the money to move otherwise. This is where the faith come in.
Mark has much experience at his job and in the past this has been a huge asset. Not any more. Experienced attorneys are first in line for all the jobs going. The weirdness at his current job seems to be resolving, but now the county is slashing the budget. His position may well go half time in June. If he doesn't find a job by then we will be in a world of hurt. This is where the faith come in.
I have been reading the want adds. I could apply to be a car hop, or work at Sub-way. Part time of course. I was gong to call about the car hop job and was told the summer fast food jobs are reserved for local teenagers and kids home from college for the summer. This is where the faith comes in.
I hate not being in control of my life. Scares the crap out of me. But there is not one darn thing I can do to change my circumstances. I can't fix the housing market. I can't fix the unpleasantness at Mark's job. I can't fix the county finances. I can't make someone hire Mark. I can't make someone hire me full time at more than minimum wage (which isn't enough to pay the bills). I can't get our savings back out of this house. I can't make it quit flipping snowing. I HAVE to rely on God.
So I am. Love Bea
Life goes along apace. One job interview down, a couple more to go.
If we have to move again it will really tell what I am made of faith wise. I demonstrated minimal faith during the last two moves. The move up here to our mountain paradise rental house happened so fast I didn't have time to panic and over control. Plus we sold our house at home and made money so I wasn't worried sick about finances. When we bought this house and moved I was exhausted and pissed off but not too fearful. This time will different.
Our house is worth $50,000 less than when we bought it three years ago. Fifty thousand dollars. I am having trouble even getting my mind around this fact. The market is flooded with for sale homes much nicer than ours. We have done a lot to this house but it is still ninety years old and small. I fear ain't no one out there a gonna want a vacation home with oodles of charm but no dishwasher. We are trying to figure out what to do about the house if Mark gets one of the jobs. None of the options are appealing. This is where the faith comes in.
If we move we will have to do a U-Haul move as we can't afford a mover. We used up all our savings fixing up the house. Traveling to and from interviews and house hunting is expensive. If we found a place then there are all the down payments and first and last months rent. I have been figuring out how to cash in our IRA and life insurance. I don't know where we will get the money to move otherwise. This is where the faith come in.
Mark has much experience at his job and in the past this has been a huge asset. Not any more. Experienced attorneys are first in line for all the jobs going. The weirdness at his current job seems to be resolving, but now the county is slashing the budget. His position may well go half time in June. If he doesn't find a job by then we will be in a world of hurt. This is where the faith come in.
I have been reading the want adds. I could apply to be a car hop, or work at Sub-way. Part time of course. I was gong to call about the car hop job and was told the summer fast food jobs are reserved for local teenagers and kids home from college for the summer. This is where the faith comes in.
I hate not being in control of my life. Scares the crap out of me. But there is not one darn thing I can do to change my circumstances. I can't fix the housing market. I can't fix the unpleasantness at Mark's job. I can't fix the county finances. I can't make someone hire Mark. I can't make someone hire me full time at more than minimum wage (which isn't enough to pay the bills). I can't get our savings back out of this house. I can't make it quit flipping snowing. I HAVE to rely on God.
So I am. Love Bea
Friday, April 2, 2010
Poleaxed
This post is of no great consequence but I just had to say something to somebody.
I have a friend who had gastric bypass surgery almost two years ago. I have talked to her off and on during that time. Of course I always ask how much weight she is losing. She will not tell me. Says it is none of my business. True enough. Well yesterday she told me.
She has lost 207 pounds. She weighs 122 pounds. She is 53 years old.
Just think about that for a minute. Two hundred and seven pounds. She has lost more than I weigh and I am fat. In less than two years she has done this. How is this possible? I was and still am stunned. How can you be 53 and weigh 122 pounds? She weighs less than her daughter.
I asked how she felt about losing all of that weight. "Fine" she said. I said she must feel like a new woman, and younger. "No" she said. What is it like to go through the world in such a radically smaller body I asked? "My knees don't hurt." Surely you must be having some sort of emotional reaction to it all I said. "Not really" she said. Well I ask you, is this possible?
Yes I am jealous. We might as well get that said right up front. I am also so happy for her I can hardly convey it. I love her and she was trapped by her weight and it was killing her. She has now been given and accepted a new lease on life. So why isn't she acting like a condemned woman who has been pardoned? I sure would be. I would be shaking my skinny booty all over town. I have some theories about this.
Remember Star Jones and how weird she acted after she lost all her weight? Like she was standing naked and vulnerable before the world and the only way she could protect herself was by downplaying the weight loss. Maybe this is what is happening to my friend. Maybe it is all still too new and she hasn't yet figured out how to be thin. Or maybe she is still the same person who has never dealt with her emotions. Or maybe (and this is painful to admit) she knows how jealous I am and fears I can't be supportive. What ever it is, it was like running into a brick wall, and it hurt.
I guess the post had more consequence that I first thought.
Happy Easter to all of you. Up from the grave He arose!
Love Bea
I have a friend who had gastric bypass surgery almost two years ago. I have talked to her off and on during that time. Of course I always ask how much weight she is losing. She will not tell me. Says it is none of my business. True enough. Well yesterday she told me.
She has lost 207 pounds. She weighs 122 pounds. She is 53 years old.
Just think about that for a minute. Two hundred and seven pounds. She has lost more than I weigh and I am fat. In less than two years she has done this. How is this possible? I was and still am stunned. How can you be 53 and weigh 122 pounds? She weighs less than her daughter.
I asked how she felt about losing all of that weight. "Fine" she said. I said she must feel like a new woman, and younger. "No" she said. What is it like to go through the world in such a radically smaller body I asked? "My knees don't hurt." Surely you must be having some sort of emotional reaction to it all I said. "Not really" she said. Well I ask you, is this possible?
Yes I am jealous. We might as well get that said right up front. I am also so happy for her I can hardly convey it. I love her and she was trapped by her weight and it was killing her. She has now been given and accepted a new lease on life. So why isn't she acting like a condemned woman who has been pardoned? I sure would be. I would be shaking my skinny booty all over town. I have some theories about this.
Remember Star Jones and how weird she acted after she lost all her weight? Like she was standing naked and vulnerable before the world and the only way she could protect herself was by downplaying the weight loss. Maybe this is what is happening to my friend. Maybe it is all still too new and she hasn't yet figured out how to be thin. Or maybe she is still the same person who has never dealt with her emotions. Or maybe (and this is painful to admit) she knows how jealous I am and fears I can't be supportive. What ever it is, it was like running into a brick wall, and it hurt.
I guess the post had more consequence that I first thought.
Happy Easter to all of you. Up from the grave He arose!
Love Bea
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