Seeing Autum Leaves

This afternoon I am in New England. Husband and I are staying in a small cottage by a stream. Inside, the cottage is all quilts and braided rugs. Outside it is old trees, green lawn and a picnic table. We are spending our days driving around looking at the fall leaves and antiquing. We also are stopping at the Farmer's Market stands and buying apple cider, bread and fruit.

I have begun my vacation life. Cleaned this a.m. and cooked. I borrowed a friend's small vacuum. Took me twenty minutes to suck up cat and dog hair on lower level of house. I didn't move any furniture or rugs. I just went from bare floors to carpet to rugs. I didn't dust. Also did dishes and ONE load of laundry. Emptied trash and straightened up. Tackled file cabinet for thirty minutes. (Was all I could stand.) Put chicken in a pot with veg to cook for supper. Made out grocery list for tomorrow. Shoveled more snow. Made lunch.

I was reading Vickie this morning and was again struck by the difficulty I have in making any effort with my looks if I feel fat. What is the deal with this? Is a mystery. When I feel fat I do nothing about myself other than bathe. I wear baggy clothes and no makeup and no earrings. I am real lucky if I can convince myself to shave my armpits and legs. Cutting my toenails is also a chore. My hair grows out and I don't get it cut and recolored. I end up looking like hell.

I look like hell. Granted, I have been depressed. But now that I am coming out of it I still resent having to make the effort to dress up, because I feel fat. And I am fatter than I was. But not THAT MUCH. I have gained ten pounds and I fell like a blimp. In reality my clothes still fit, howbeit tight, and I don't look much different. But I feel different. Like a blimp. And what is the point of putting eye makeup on a blimp? I think getting dressed up just makes me feel fatter. Isn't that weird? You would think it would be just the opposite. If you feel ugly why not dress up and try to look better? Is it the, "too little to late phenomenon?" What is the deal with me and dressing up if I feel fat?

Somehow I feel like I don't deserve to dress up if I am fat. I also feel like it is pointless. No amount of toenail polish is going to make me look thin. But why can't I be fat and well groomed? So okay some of my cute clothes are tight, but my earrings still fit. And finger nail polish and cute shoes and my hair still fits. Silky legs and underarms have nothing to do with my size either. When I feel thinner I do all of this. I even take bubble baths. If I feel fat all I want is a quick shower. My skin is flaking off because I don't use lotion if I feel fat. Is this not crazy? Sounds idiotic as I write it. What does putting lotion on my feet have to do with my weight? Everything.

What I have been describing is stereo-typical female stuff. If I am or just feel fat I don't feel feminine. Ergo, doing all the girly stuff seems to be false and makes me feel even more unfeminine. Why do fat women wear men's clothes? Yes they fit, but I think there is more to it. Are we acknowledging to ourselves and those around us that indeed fat women can't be feminine? How odd. Fat, we look like the Venus of Willeldorf, yet we feel less feminine. Or is this just me? I have been pondering this for awhile now.

I want to look and feel feminine and be well groomed no matter what my weight or size. Yet I always feel like I have to break through walls to accomplish this goal. Is a mystery.

I am now going back to the cottage and put my feet up, read a book and have a cup of tea.

Happy vacating, Love Bea.

P.s. I will be 51 tomorrow. I am being taken out to lunch and dinner. The other choir members got me a cake. I am going to enjoy it all.