Wednesday, February 13, 2013


Good grief, fifteen replies and only two people who read what I wrote.  Ain't the Internet wonderful.

I am learning about self will power.  I have been very muddled about this attribute.  Mainly muddled because I believed I did not possess it.  Or at least I did not possess it as a positive force.  I believed I was willful.  As in, "I will do what I want to do when I want to do it."  That drive I have in spades.  I thought of will power as a gift of God given to Saints and thin women.  Obviously I was not gifted.  I have changed my mind, for good.

I have free will.  I can do what I want when I want to to it.  I have choice.  I can choose for good or bad.  But...I have to do battle to choose for good.  Doing bad is hardly choice at all.  I have to fight for positive outcome will power.  Most of my skirmishes are with me.  I am truly at odds with myself.  The enemy within?  Not necessarily.  Does one war upon a youngster?  No, it just feels like it.  Try saying no to a teenager who wants something you the adult deem harmful.  Gad it is all out frontal assault, if it is not sniper fire or sabotage.  I have not been willing to suffer battle fatigue so as to outgun my unruly childish/sinful self.  No more.  I can't win if I do not fight.

Why was I never willing to engage the enemy?  Because I thought I'd lose.  Train a child to be a victim and unless Grace intervenes you will always have a loser.  Even if the person she is losing to is herself. 

Grace has intervened for me.  I am doing battle.  New learning, I am not alone in my fight.  If I am willing to set out sword raised, God comes to my aid.  Grace, I get Grace.  Who knew?  Not me.  I have never been willing to arrive at the battle line let alone contemplate engaging in the fight.  Guess where I found my weapon of choice .  In my mouth.  "NO," is a sharp two edged sword. 

This morning was tough for me.  A family member is ill and I am bearing the brunt of the problem.  It was snowing.  The cat threw up in the unmade bed.  We have a prowler.  You know, life.  The way I cope with life is to overeat.  But, I vowed to God to give up sugar for Lent and my learning.  I stood in front of the frigde contemplating its frugal contents.  (It's Lent)  Could I binge on apples?  I was going in for the kill applewise when my still small voice said, "no."  In the blink of an eye I thought, "you are not going to be able to fight this urge,"  and the phone rang.  A friend said, "Stop what you are doing I'm coming over."  I stopped.  Grace. 

I am finally willing to fight for myself by fighting with myself.  Go figure. 

Take care.  Love Bea

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Self Gratification

Lent is coming.  I am so relieved.

I will get to give up television for a month and a half.  I willl experience much during this time, and I will have no t.v. to clutter up what I am experiencing. It is like waking up from a long drugged sleep when I quit watching television.  I notice for the first time in months what is going on around me.  I get the house cleaned, the bills organized and paid and friends called or emailed.  I plan and shop for our meals.  I exercise.  I read after supper and go to bed early.  I suddenly have room in my life to live. 

That stupid black box sucks up me and gives nothing back.  I do realize that my television is like a gun, it is the user who is the problem.  I avoid real life by watching fake life.  I substitute passive reception for active learning.  I am not the first one to recognize the connection between tube viewing and eating.  I take in and get or give nothing back.  It is all about me.  Self gratification with diminishing returns.  Except my weight that does not diminish.

I am fine.  I am snowed under.  A foot of snow fell this week.  Oh well, this too shall melt. 

I will be writing more...often.

love bea