Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Happy New Year

Christmas is done. Yeah. I have a problem with Christmas. I sort of figured out what it was this year.

At Christmas time I feel judged and wanting.

1. My cooking. It is not good or plentiful enough. I feel obligated to bake and take confections to one and all. It takes me several batches of bread, cookies or candy to get an acceptable one to give as a gift. So I end up tired and frustrated, with a gob of rejects I then feel obligated to eat since I spent money and time on them.

2. My correspondence. I know and love a bunch of folks. I feel obligated to send a card to everyone with a personal note attached. I hate to correspond. I feel guilty for hating to correspond. I put off doing the cards until the last minute so I stress about them the whole season. I finally do them in one mad rush and end up tired and frustrated.

3. Gifts. I hate buying gifts. They cost money we don't have and I go into debt to purchase them. I never know what to get. I always feel like I have made a mistake with the gift or feel guilty for not sending one. Since I do not want to buy the gifts I put off purchasing them and add to the mad rush at the end. Frequently the gifts are late which shames me.

4. Decorating the house. First I have to clean everything. Baseboards, curtains, the lot. The cleaning takes days. Days I am also trying to cook, shop, correspond and entertain. When I get the cleaning done then we go get a tree and that whole process gets started. I do not enjoy decorating the tree. I feel guilty about this. I add decorations to our small house to make it festive. Except to me it does not look festive. I looks cluttered up with red and green stuff.

5. Entertaining. See 1 and 4. I about kill myself getting the food and the house perfect. By the time the guests arrive I hate them and can't wait for them to leave. I feel guilty about this also.

6. Parties. I do not fit into my good clothes. I feel fat, and panicked about the comparisons to the other thin women. Small talk wears me out even though I am good at it. I feel like I am on stage in tight clothing and uncomfortable shoes.

7. Food. OMG. Why do we make and serve so much food at Christmas. I am living on Gas-x and Rolaids. I can't not eat it, and feel bad about myself continually.

8. Christmas Cheer. I am angry and sad at this time of the year and am expected to smile all the time. I feel guilty because I resent it, the smiling.

9. Church. Gad. By the time we have a potluck to, decorate the church, wrap presents for the needy, celebrate the church's Christmas party, deliver presents and food to the needy, rehearse the Christmas play, celebrate the Choir Christmas party, go carolling, have the Sunday School class party, have the Christmas pageant, have the Christmas eve service and have the Christmas day service, I am about potlucked out. We still have to have another one to go to take down the decorations. See number 1. I feel really bad about not enjoying all of these opportunities to serve God.

10. Faith. I feel wanting because I gripe about Christmas. I should enjoy it. It is my Lord's Birthday.

What I learned. My low self-esteem and compensating perfectionism ruin Christmas for me. Until I have a better opinion of myself I need to keep Christmas simple. Next year by golly I am going to enjoy Christmas.

Happy New Year. Lynn

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

No Good Deed

I did not want another cat. The darn little thing just scratched me, again. My face this time. My lip is bleeding and swelling up. Phooey. She is afraid of everything. So is new dog. He is so stressed out about the new cat he chewed a corner off the baseboard. I just stood and cried when I found it. I have company coming for dinner on Friday and wanted the house to look nice. It smells of cat and dog pee and now a prominent baseboard corner is gone. These animals are overwhelming me.

Their fear has made me think about my own fears, and God. How many times has God attempted to help me and make my life better and I have misunderstood His intentions and reacted from fear? Countless I am guessing. These animals have no faith in me. They do not trust me so they react in self protective ways when I try to help them. Just like me. I did not learn to trust as a child and I continue to always respond to new situations and people in a self protective mode. I act like this in spite of a strong belief in God and His love. And there's the rub. I suddenly perceive a difference between belief and faith. Belief comes from my intellect. Trust comes from my heart. And my heart is still damaged. I long and look for a time when I will react from pure trust. Until then I will continue to walk out my belief in sometime fear. I hope when in future I scratch some innocent person they and I will recognize fear at work and make allowances.

Counseling is expensive. Our insurance may cover it after the deductible is met. It is December and our money is ALL spoken for this month. We have a high deductible. I do not want to put more money on the credit card. I am torn. What is more sensible, what is more faithful? Beats me. So I wait.

Take care. Love Lynn

Friday, December 9, 2011


Didn't know anyone was still out there. I will be more circumspect in my use of names.

Thanks Cindy and Anon., just thanks.

Well I am going to get Skye counseling. Catholic Skye counseling. I am grateful for another miracle.

I have been watching "Women of Grace" on ETWN the Catholic television network. It is a great show, full of valuable Christian information. The shows over the past week have been about hoarding. One of the guests was a counselor named Allison Somethingorother. She talked about affirmation therapy in relation to hoarding. I am not a hoarder but I NEEDED to hear about this affirmation therapy. This type of therapy was developed by Conrad Barr (name may be wrongish). The minute Allison started talking about it I knew it was for me. So....

Allison has developed a web site called On this web site you can find Catholic therapists in your area. I am not Catholic. In fact my church of origin taught that all Catholics were going to hell because they were not "saved" in the method approved of by our church. I am no longer an indoctrinated twelve year old and know this teaching to be hooey. Still, I remain very Protestant. I say all that to explain the miracle. I went to the web site and typed in Wyoming. Nothing. Big surprise. I typed in "no restrictions" and poof a whole list of people popped up. Guess who was on the list, with a telephone number? I dialed the number and a voice said "This is Allison." I damn near fell off my chair.

Why did I call? Impulse? Mebbee, I am calling it God. Why did Allison answer? God. She never answers the phone. Was a fluke she answered. Anyhoo, I am working on getting our insurance sorted out so I can do Skye counseling. I am looking forward to finding the rest of the puzzle pieces to my story. Ain't God great? I watch someone on the tube and thirty minutes later I am talking to her. By-the by, the program was a rerun. She taped it a year ago.

We got new carpet in the living room and bedroom. Just in time for new dog Jonah and new cat Abigail. Both long rescue stories. Anyone want a cat? You'd be surprised at the aggressive answers I am getting in response to that question.

Thanks for still reading. Love Lynn