Friday, January 29, 2010

A Bright New Shiny Day

I went to my first Support group last eve. It is where I need to be. I am them and they are me. I am not alone.

This will be short as we are going traveling this weekend. I plan to turn 53 sitting in a hot springs stewing my aching bones. Back to the Group. Thanks be to God I was ready to handle all I learned there. If I had not had the revelation of being "right in Christ" I could not have stood it. "In Christ" I am becoming a new creation and old things are passing away. But, I have hit and drug bottom several times during my life. I have been ashamed of my willingness to drop down into the mire, and then my seeming inability to lift myself out of said muck. I have felt contaminated at my core. "In Christ" I no longer feel contaminated, but, last night I found out I am set apart because of my familiarity with degradation and despair. I need the company and support of other people who have come to the end of themselves and found God to be their only strength. I have been toting a burden I didn't even know I was carrying for a long, long time. With God's help and the care of others' I see a way clear to putting it down.

Amen Love Bea

Thursday, January 21, 2010

More New Directions

Why does the cat throw up every time I start to do yoga? I am listening to the music and breathing and breathing and getting calm and, blammo... yowling, retching and whoops-daisy-up comes breakfast. Then I have to stop, go and get the carpet cleaner, and the paper towels, and spend ten minutes cleaning up everything. Ruins the moment. Oh, and when I am doing the camel thing the dog gets underneath me and licks my face. Makes me almost want to take up jogging.

A rough bunch of days since my last post. Bad dreams, lethargy, food cravings from hell, self pity and massive amounts of anger. I have been in a bad way.

But something happened to me this morning. I will attempt to explain but may not succeed. My spiritual vocabulary is not large. When I awaken in the mornings I feel fine for about two seconds. Then the assault starts. Every fault I possess and their consequences cycle through my mind. At the top of the list is the fat thing. I feel like a thousand pound weight (no pun) has been dropped on me and I think "what is the use of fighting." But fight I do. I say "This is the day the Lord hath made I will rejoice and be glad in it" and I launch myself into my day. If not with gladness, then at least with massive movement. Since owning my sugar addiction the assault has been multiplied ten fold and I have been unable to launch myself into anything. I have grudgingly drug myself from spot to spot. My desire has been to fade into weary nothingness. Last week I earnestly sought help, received it and then did not have enough oomph to avail myself of it. But...The Help came and found me.

I decided last week to walk on the treadmill every morning. Of course I did not get it done every morning so I gave up. Only this morning I didn't. I got up and got on the darn thing. It was so boring I went and got my CD player and headphones. I didn't want to take the time to find new music so I decided to listen to what was in there. Of course it was Joyce Meyer. I was disgusted. I did not feel like listening to her preach at me and make me feel guilty. But I was too lazy to change the CD so I listened. She was preaching about being "the righteousness of God in Christ." I have heard this sermon theme enough times to quote it chapter and verse. I never understood what she or the Bible meant. This morning I finally got it.

Some of the folks in my childhood taught me I was a befouled being who would cause a lot less bother if she were just dead. Then the church got a'holt of me and told me I was a worthless sinner who deserved hell. I imprinted the idea I was a befouled sinner who should keep out of every one's way until she most likely went to hell. OK so now I buy a book that offers me the joyous opportunity to re-acknowledge "I am a sugar addict and my life spirals out of control because of it." Right. I am a befouled sinner who needs to stop bothering people to get her needs met, prepare for hell and accept the fact that she is an incurable addict to top it off. Gad, who wouldn't feel a tad down at the mouth in the mornings?

My intellect did/does not think I am contaminated or going to hell. It was my soul that believed the lie. Until this morning. Grace allowed me to see my true condition. In Christ I have been made "right." Fixed, cured, cleaned. The I of me is fresh as the morning. I am truly becoming a new creature. This revelation makes all the difference. I am right. I have an addiction. I am not my sins or my faults or my addictions. I, I, I, am right.

How will all of this play out? Beats me. I am way less freaked out and downtrodden about it all. I will ask the God of my understanding to "please help me to do your will" and then do the best I can to listen carefully. I have an addiction to sugar. I will need always to be abstinent. I need the support of others like me. I still need to finish withdrawal and get abstinent. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention withdrawal? Seems I keep forgetting about it entirely. Surprise, surprise. Most of the awful stuff I have gone through this past week could be attributed to what??? Withdrawal. I think I will ask the God of my new understanding for some help with that.

Take care. Love, love, love Bea

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Addiction, My Shield and Buckler

I don't usually post two days in a row but I learned something yesterday and I want to make sure I understand it and don't forget it.

See yesterday's blog as to the efforts I am making toward recovery. One of the efforts was to go and get my darn hair cut and colored. This I did. My beautician is also my massage therapist. She is multifaceted. As we were sitting and visiting while my hair processed we talked about living life. Sheri does a lot of stuff. She is way involved with her family, her spiritual journey, and physical journeys. She is a great traveler and has been all over the world. Our conversation wandered far and wide as usual because I am intensely interested in her experiences in foreign climes, both physical and spiritual. I told her how brave I thought she was. This label seemed to stump her. "Brave? What does being brave have to do with it?" Now I was stumped. "Well, being willing to take all the risks involved with doing something totally new."
"What risk" she said "I want to live my life to the full. It is a God given privilege to be able to savor all the different experiences it can offer. I am motivated by the opportunity to feel and learn. Why else are we here?" Why indeed.

I most emphatically am not motivated by first hand opportunities to feel and learn. In fact I want to be shielded from opportunities to feel/learn. And this is addiction in a nutshell. The addict wants to be once removed from life. We do not want to experience it raw. We want to know it from behind a buffer. For us each new day only offers new opportunities to be hurt. We strive for the muffled life. My muffler happens to come with powdered sugar. Yours might come with olives or needles or a charge card.

Her response continued. "Do you really want a colorless life with nothing new happening.?"
"You betcha. I want a life I can control." By now she was up and taking the papers off my head. She stopped in her tracks and looked me full in the face.
"Do you really think you can control anything that happens to you?" She was incredulous. "We control very little of what happens to us. All we can control is our response to it."
The synapses in my brain shorted out and I just sat there. What did she mean I couldn't control what happened to me? I am my own worst enemy. Of course I control what happens to me. I have made my life shit. If I had made and did make better choices my life would better. I am completely responsible for everything that has gone wrong in my life.
She patted my hand, "You sound like my teenagers" she said.

What the hell??????

I was and am lost. I have been thinking about all she said since she said it. I don't understand what she meant. And that is addiction. The inability to comprehend/accept the difference between a self controlled life and a God controlled life.

Is this surrender? Response-able only? Is it really that simple? I give up my belief I can control anything?

If I can't control anything is the muffler pointless?

Please God help me to grasp and apply what I heard. Amen

Love Bea

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

New Directions

I got up and walked on the treadmill this morning. First time in a long time I have walked other than from fridge to sofa. We were trying to walk outside but at -36 degrees it was just too cold.

I have been for a massage and received much help. Thank-God for Sheri. Without her I'd have been eating the carpet by now. I have also been to see the Chiropractor. Turns out my back trouble is more than just too much snow shoveling. My right hip is out of whack due to tight hamstrings. I was adjusted and given some yoga like exercises to do. (Boy do I miss Yoga Jan.) I am sore this morning but hope to be feeling better soon. I have an appointment to talk to the Pilate's lady to see if I can do the exercises and not go broke doing it. Keep your fingers crossed as I would really like to learn these exercises. I have an appointment in half an hour to get my hair cut and colored. Things are looking up.

I chickened out of going to see the therapist. I am not ready to accept a psychological diagnosis of some sort and become part of the case load at our small counseling center. They do not treat or counsel about eating disorders here. I would have to go to Jackson for that help. May be just my pride stopping me. If so I will get over it and make an appointment. I will get to see my proposed therapist in action at a lecture she is giving on the 23rd. I probably won't do anything until after that.

I am not ready to start an overeating support group. I NEED support right now. I do not want to expend my meagre energies setting up anything. I did put a bug in the ear of the counseling center. I also fired up our pastor about the need for this kind of group. Maybe when I get abstinent I will be willing to put more effort into initiating the thing.

And about that abstinence. I know how I want to go about it this time. I am putting a support system in place for my food and emotional/spiritual help. I am not going to try to go it alone this time. I am optimistic about the outcome. I will let you know when all is ready to go. OK, now off to get rid of this brownish hair.

Take care. Love Bea

Thursday, January 7, 2010

It is the Chicken

Boy I don't even know where to start. At the beginning is always best.

"Am I depressed because I am fat, or fat because I am depressed?" I am depressed because I am addicted to food.

Through another of those oddball coincidences (I call them grace) I came into the possession of a book called "Addiction and Grace" by Gerald May. The book forced me to look my addiction in the face. Why do I keep forgetting I am addicted to food? Part of the addiction process he says. Why do I keep thinking I can handle this on my own? Part of the addiction process he says. I am back to square one with my attachment to finding fullness. First part of square one is finding some help. I truly can't help myself with this problem. (Yes I could adopt another food plan but it is destined to fail. He calls this "attempting to reform your addiction" as opposed to being willing to seek a "transformed life.") I called the counseling center and have an appointment to talk to someone about compulsive eating on Tuesday at 9am. I also called our pastor.

My food addiction is more than a just psychological/physical problem. In the main it is a spiritual problem. I need some spiritual support. And not just me and God. I don't hear Him well enough to to be able to avail myself of the help he is always singing to me. I told the pastor I wanted to start an Overeaters Anonymous group at our church. I told him of my addiction and lack of support. He commissioned me to figure out how to start a group. Said he was all for it and would put it in the budget. Asked me if I thought we could get it up and running by February! Gad. Or should I say, God.

I searched online for OA and Food Addicts info. There is so much it will take me a while to sort through it all. Why have I tried to go it alone for so long? Is a mystery.

I am not depressed any more. I am scared spitless. I feel secure in the confines of my addiction. Letting go of my attachment to food is risky as death for me. Here is where the Grace comes in. God give me the courage and strength to take the risks to step into a "transformed" life. Amen

Take care. Love Bea

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Chicken or the Egg

Consider the chocolate covered peanut. Brittle outer candy coated shell, soft inner rich sumptuous layer and finally the firm center core. As God is my witness I am that nut.

Told dear sister-in-law yesterday that I am depressed because I am fat. She countered very firmly, "No you are fat because you are depressed." Great, one more thing to think about.

Hope you all had a nice Christmas. I did. Can you believe it? Christmas morning I got out of bed and the depression fell off of me onto the floor. I stepped smartly over it and went to open my presents. I felt great all day and have felt fineish for the past few days. I even rearranged the living room.

What the heck is happening to me? I am worn out from emoting. I am also worn out with the food battle. Those of us with a food problem should be able to go into hibernation for the months of November and December. Maybe I am just exhausted and depressed from the exertion of fighting off fudge. Hey I made a joke. Progress.

But seriously, am I hopeless because I am fat or fat because I am hopeless? I have always assumed the former. I think I have a food problem by which I feel helplessly engulfed, and that depresses me. Any thoughts?

Take care and thanks. Just thanks. Love Bea