Friday, January 30, 2009

It's My Birthday

And I'll cry if I want to. I am 52 today, but that is not why I am crying. I am damn glad to be 52. My mother died at 48. I am crying because Mark and I had another fight on my birthday. We had a fight because I finally was able to go to sleep at 4:10 a.m.. I had to get up at 6 a.m. I haven't slept more than 4-5 hours a night for weeks, months, years, or maybe millennia. On two hours of sleep I am willing to pick a fight with anyone. I first tried to argue with the cat but she ignored me. So I picked at Mark until he fought back. Sigh.

During last night's sojourn I watched the latest episode of Oprah. She had Suzanne Sommers on. The whole show was about bioidentical hormones. Imagine how healing this was for me sitting there at 3 a.m. in my sweat soaked night gown eating left over meatloaf. It was a gift from God. I was darn near convinced by the show's end that I needed bioidenticals but was still sort of scared off by the guest (traditional) Dr.'s opinion. Then came breakfast and the empty cheerio box fight. (You don't want to know) I need those hormones.

And...I have an appointment next Friday at 11:30 to find out about getting some. I will be armed with a boat load of questions and requirements. If this doctor can't or won't help me I will travel farther afield. I AM GOING TO GET SOME HELP. I don't care if the hormones kill me. At least I will have had six months of normal life. I think what really sold me was when this miserable woman they had on the show a couple of weeks ago showed up last night looking twenty years younger. When asked how she felt on the bioidenticals she said "like she had had an infusion of joy." Sign me up. In the past two years my sense of humor has dried up as much as my vag ... well, you know. The thing that has brought me through all my tribulations has been the ability to see the funny side of life. Currently I am as morose as a Mortician. Phooey on that.

I am up for hormonal testimonials if you would care to share them.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Masks, Part 1

Thanks all for the comments. Wendy, I too am enthused about Paul McKenna and agree with his methods of eating, but not yet. I think Intuitive Eating works if you are also receiving effective help with the emotions that cause overeating. Without the emotional support nothing changes and IE becomes just another failed program.

I have to write about the weather. It was 22 below on Monday and twenty four hours later it snowed another eight inches. How is that possible? We had a full week of reprieve from the snow because it never reached zero during the day and was way below during the night. Then poof, the temp went up and we got about six inches. Then down went the mercury and no snow and then back up and the afore mentioned eight inches. One of the berms beside our driveway is over ten feet tall. It blocks out the sun. Our clothes line is six or seven feet tall. When the snow touches the lines I am leaving home. The dog stepped across a five foot fence yesterday. I shoveled for three and a half hours. I wore my back brace and just went at it. We are all in survival mode here.

Speaking of emotions. Anyone watching Oprah and her fat shows? Usually her program drives me nuts, but these episodes have been very enlightening. "What is it you really want," she keeps asking the guests? What is it that food is replacing? Good questions, and very effective to a point.

In the short term I know I eat because I want to be entertained or because I am exhausted or because I am nervous. I think those are habitual patterns based on laziness and my love of quick fixes. What I really wanted yesterday after my marathon shoveling event was a hot bath and a nap, and to scream to the Heavens about the unfairness of all this damn snow. But the bathtub was dirty. I'd have had to scrub it out before bathing. And I had taken the sheets off the bed to wash them so the bed was unnappable. And snow is "so good for the farmers you know." So...I consumed a giant ham sandwich, two cups of hot chocolate and six cheese sticks. I eventually took a shower, had a fight with Mark, and put the clean sheets on the bed and went to bed at bedtime. The food met my immediate need but it sure wasn't what I really wanted....

On a grander scale I don't think the questions work as well. I looked at the big picture of my life and asked myself what I really wanted. After much soul searching I knew the answer. Not so big surprise, I found it to be unattainable. Then I had donuts. I think I am a typical fat person. For many of Us what we want most in life is unattainable and we eat to stave off this primal pain. We can't get the ungettable and we eat to shield ourselves from the irrevocable. We are unwilling to look loss squarely in the face and allow it to crush us. We refuse to mourn.

I have much more to say about this but it will take another post.

Take care of yourselves by doing and getting what you really want. Love Bea

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Hi Ho Trigger

I hit 200 pounds on Sunday. I guess if Oprah can confess it so can I.

I have been using my food plan like a diet. Big surprise, it is not working. I just can't stick to it. But then I never could stick to restrictive diets. I lost a lot of weight on this plan a couple of years ago and just loved it. So what is the problem now? It is too limited. Who can go the rest of their lives without eating sugar, flour, nuts, bananas, cherries, avocados or grapes. I guess I could maybe pass on the mangoes but how in the world can you live and never again eat corn or ham? Or chew gum?

I decided to come at my increasing girth from another angle. I am not going to bring my trigger foods into the house.

According to much of the reading I have done one bite of sugar sets off a chemical reaction in some of our bodies that cannot be ignored and a craving and binge are sure to follow. I think that generalization is hooey. I do know what for me sets off a binge cycle. And that is really all I need to know. My prime set up for a binge is having my trigger foods close to hand. During my Christmas hiatus I sat down and figured out what food I could not leave alone or stop eating once I started. Here is the list.

1. Popcorn. If start eating this I am ravenous for hours afterward.
2. Mints. I could eat bags of these. (And have.)
3. Jam and jelly. I eat it until the whole jar is gone. Also chutney.
4. Baked goods. Most anything baked sings a siren song to me. Desserts are out also.
5. Apple cider and Vegetable juice cocktail. I drink the entire jug of both.
6. Flavored yogurt. Can't leave it alone until it is all gone. Yes even the
low sugar low fat kind.
7. Dried fruit. Lord help us I can eat a whole container of prunes. I then have to spend whole days and nights outdoors.
8. Flavored almonds, i.e. dark chocolate, vanilla, sea salt or chili flavored. The plain ones I can leave in the cupboard until they go stale.
9. Pistachios and macadamia nuts.
10. Ice cream, ice milk, frozen yogurt and gelato. Especially gelato.
11. Leftovers...not for long. Also lunch meat. Especially liver wurst.
12. Pizza and pretzels.
13. Soup. Is this not weird? I cannot leave soup alone once I have made it. I am obligated to eat it until the whole pot is empty.
14. Lasagna. See above.
15. Scalloped potatoes. Not fried, not baked, not mashed, just scalloped.
16. Candy. See mints.
17. Cherries and grapes. Same fallout as with prunes.
18. Hamburger assister. Anything and noodles. And gravy. I could drink gravy.
19. Cheesecake and all soft cheeses and flavored cheese and cheddar.
And Yes,
20. My old nemesis Peanut M & M's.

It is a long list but not impossible to ban from my house. Did you notice what is NOT on the list.

1. Bananas. I have never sat down and ate an entire bunch of bananas in my life. Or mangoes.
2. Potato chips. I don't like them. Corn chips I can take or leave. But pretzels...Nellie bar the door. I can inhale them.
3. Cold cereal. I could be drowning in sugary poffs and would not open my mouth to swallow it. I don't like it.
4. Peanuts and walnuts and cashews are okay but I wouldn't cross the street to seek them out.
5. Store bought bread. I have a loaf in the fridge going moldy.
6. Corn, I have never binged on corn.
7. Balsamic vinegar. I do not drink the stuff. Or blue cheese dressing or mayonnaise.
8. Honey. I have to microwave my honey because it keeps crystallizing. Also molasses and maple syrup.
9. Most potatoes, except scalloped.
10. Meat, fish, shell fish and veg. I do not binge on any of theses.
I have quit early with this list because what I can eat without bingeing is much longer than what I can't eat.

I guess my point is that it is purely personal what foods trigger my cravings and binges. Sugar in whatever form it enters my blood stream does not inevitably push me over the edge into overeating. It is something else. I don't know why the above listed foods send me face down into them. I suspect they have emotional associations of pleasure in my past. Comfort food.

But that is another post.

Take care of yourselves. I am.

Love Bea

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Eating With The Enemy

It is one A.M. I can't sleep because of digestive upset. I had a can of refried beans and some Stan and Harry's Carmel Sutra ice cream for supper.

Much has happened since last I wrote.
1. We have received so much snow it should make God blush.
2. I threw my back out shoveling said snow and even now can't do much.
3. I pulled muscles in my shoulder and screwed up my neck shoveling snow and subsequently my right arm went numb and refused to function.
4. I backed into the preacher's wife at choir practise in an icy parking lot further injuring my shoulder and back to say nothing of what it did to the bumper of the car.
5. Snow slid off the roof of the house and snapped off the outside water spigot. It was 27 below that night. Thank God the water was shut off to the spigot.
6. The alternator broke on the old car because of the cold, stranding Mark on the road side. I couldn't drive to go get him because of my arm. It was only 20 below that day.
7. An icicle fell off the roof and stabbed the dog in the head requiring six stitches.
8. The county road crew came by and cited us for having snow berms that were blocking sight of the road. We now have berms on either side of the drive way that are four feet high and about six to ten feet wide. Took us hours of shoveling to level the piles down to this height.
9. The neighbor's dog has taken to walking up the snow pile beside their barn to stand on the roof and howl all night. I know how he feels.
10. It was 45 degrees here today. The garage flooded.

In between crises I have had enforced time on my hands to think, and I have learned some stuff. I am so bored with my life I could spit. I hate living in this picture post card isolation. I am addicted to the television. I can choose what I think about. Self hypnosis is effective in changing the effects of trauma. Like Oprah I need to put my self back on my "to do" list. What I want out of life has changed. (More on all of this later.)

I will be fifty-two at the end of this month. I pledge to spend the next year searching out and doing what I really want to do instead of substituting fake crap for real living. Amen and amen.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Not Dead

Happy New Year.

All is well here and I will soon return. Hope you all had a great Christmas.