Thursday, June 25, 2009

Recovery 101

Food will not cure the flu. How many times am I going to have to say this to you people?

I am much recovered. Lolling around wishing to die just made me feel worse. And eat more. I began to feel like myself when I got up and replanted my dog dug up barrels. Hope to eventually have radishes, lettuce, peas and cucumbers. Went to the store and bought stuff for window boxes and big barrel out front and also got those planted. Restained the deck!!!!!! Yeah. One of the summer projects done. Also washed a couple of windows and killed some dandelions from hell. Movement is good.

I need to remember that sitting around does not make me well, it just makes me depressed. I guess I live to accomplish stuff. When I do nothing my self esteem tanks. Mark made me rest on the sofa for a few hours. No reading, no watching t.v., no talking on the phone, and I wasn't sleepy. I was just supposed to recline there and enjoy the view. Fat chance. Yes it's a pun. I was ravenous immediately. Enforced idleness just kills me. I can only rest good if I have 1001 things to do and am putting them all off. Either way, I eat.

Had my second yoga class. I learned something. Man am I stiff. Almost rigid. I don't suppose that comes as a surprise to anyone. I see that this yoga stuff could do as much for my mind as it does for my body. I am rigid. I got rules for everything and I do not roll with the punches. I have my plan and if it is foiled I sort of shut down for a while. Friend Kim's husband-to-be says he needs time to mourn Plan A before he can move on to Plan B. Exactly. I can do spontaneous if I am relaxed, but I can't change horses in mid stream if I am focused or tense. Makes me crazy. And no plans at all are worse than mis-managed mounts. To have no plans is like being dead. I want to loosen up.

So this yoga thing, I am terrible at it. I crack and pop and fall over a lot. But, I think it will eventually make me more flexible.

Did you know that Harbor Boulevard in Anaheim is littered with little shoes? I could not figure it out. I thought it was some sort of very avaunt guard landscaping thing. Or maybe some perverted child abuse thing. Wrong. Harbor Blvd. leads straight into Disneyland. I watched a tired family shuffling down the sidewalk back toward the hotel late one evening. Mom was pushing a soundly sleeping baby in a stroller and Dad was carrying two tired toddlers. As he slowly walked along both of the kids fell asleep...and then their shoes fell off. A California mystery solved.

Next time: How a $45 facial ends up costing $235 and, gives the facialee raging athlete's foot. Another California mystery.

Take care. Love Bea

Friday, June 19, 2009

Swine Flu

Because I am sick and eating like a pig. Be sure to read the last post.

I sat by a teenage girl on the plane. She coughed all over me from Santa Ana to Salt Lake. Car trip home was a nightmare. Poured with rain the whole entire drive. Getting up that canyon out of Salt Lake driving blind was awful. We were both exhausted when we left CA and about dead by the time we got home.

We arrived here at 6pm. Had rained here every day we were gone. Lawn was a foot tall. House smelled like cat pee. I don't know why. Cats and dog had been in dog jail for a week. I immediately began doing laundry so Mark could leave again at 6am for a three day trial. Took us all eve to get unpacked and him repacked. We went to bed about 11pm. Neither one of us could sleep. I am having hot flashes from hell. We got up at 5am and he left at 6am to drive 115 miles. I felt so bad for him. He looked haggard. The trial started at 8:30.

I slept in a chair after he left until eight. I then got up, showered and drove 30 miles to get the animals. Still pouring rain of course. Cost almost $400 to board them for a week. Mollie was wild. Like when we first got her. She jumped on me and scratched the heck out of my chest. Cats were more laid back. Ignored me completely. We all got good and wet loading up. Mollie whined and the cats meowed the whole way home. I cried.

Upon arrival and after more crazy running around Mollie finally settled down. Socks hid in the basement and Whomper pooped on the kitchen floor. I put in another load of laundry and sat back down in my chair. I woke up two hours later. I was ringy and removed, like I was functioning at slow motion under water. I switched the laundry around and in this condition I loaded the dog and drove to the post office to get the mail. Brought it home in a box. I put it down on the kitchen table (where most of it still resides) and went back to the chair to sleep. Woke up later and drove thirty miles to take care of a friend's cat. They are also on vacation. After cat duty I went to the grocery store. Are alarm bells ringing in your heads? I bought cookies, ice cream, pizza, frozen dinners, bagels and strawberries. I drove thirty miles home and after another laundry rotation, began to eat. I ate a whole plastic thing of pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. That turned out to be ten cookies the size of muffins. Then I had half of a quart of ice cream. A friend called and asked me if I would help her move the next day. I said yes. The dog and I then went to bed. Mark woke me up to tell me how the first day of the trial had been. I vaguely recall talking to him. I woke up with nasty hot flashes off and on all night. Had terrible dreams about taking a shower with a bunch of horses in a box car. Gad.

Got up next morning at 9:30. Dog was nuts. She ran around the yard for half an hour solid. Ate bagels and strawberries for breakfast and showered. Still felt weird, and exhausted. Loaded up dog and drove thirty miles to friend's house. Friend's big house. U-Haul and our minister's wife's car were parked outside. No other cars. This was a surprise as a whole crew of men were supposed to be there. They never arrived. Three women over forty, one tired husband and a six year old moved and loaded furniture all day. I was a blithering idiot. I packed and carried and talked in a fog. I left at about 5:30 pm. I then drove to vacation friend's house and fed the cat. Then I drove home. I ate a whole big pizza, a bagel and the rest of the half gallon of ice cream. I passed out in the chair. Mark woke me up later and I talked to him. The dog and I went to bed. I slept in my clothes.

Got up at 6:30 to shower to be at the church for my first yoga class at 8am. I arrived first to set up stuff. I moved a couple of rows of pewchairs and set up the music. Yoga Jan and friend PW (preacher's wife) showed up. PW was as sore as me. She should have been incapacitated as she and the tired husband moved most of the furniture. Jan lead us in a wonderfully painful session. I stretched muscles I didn't even know I had. The relaxation thing at the end was priceless. I am looking forward to next week. We moved the pews back into place and all left. I drove to friend's house to help finish up with the moving and clean. We worked until about 1pm and then quit. She fed me a ham sandwich and then on my own I ate four of her brownies. Her little son really hated me for that. I drove to vacation friend's house and fed the cat. Mark called and said the jury had come back sooner than anticipated and he would be home in a couple of hours. I drove home and made the bed and did more laundry and did the dishes. The damn cats had pooped and peed on the the kitchen floor again. I cleaned that up and laid down on the couch to because I couldn't stand up. Mark woke me up when he got home. I couldn't talk and was so dizzy I couldn't get up. I cried some more. He made me some tea and tucked me in and I slept for the rest of the afternoon and evening. I ate a whole roll of those refrigerator biscuits when I woke up and then went back to bed.

Happy end of story. I slept all day yesterday. Mark went to store and got some real food (soup and juice and jello) and that made me feel better. He figured out why the cats were defecating in the kitchen and the house smelled of cat pee. I had forgotten to clean their boxes. Oh well. He took the dog out to play. He mowed the lawn. I am better today. I am not as ringy and my throat hurts less. I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds though. All those carbs have blown me up like a balloon. I have to take a shower and drive over to feed the vacation cat and that is all I am going to do today. Gad what a weird week.

Am I glad to be home? Mebbee. Love Bea Oh, and that athlete's foot I got while getting the facial is clearing up nicely. Later.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

There and Back Again

It is 3am and I am sick as a dog. Hot flashes, throat hurts and muscle aches all over. Have been thinking about my trip and the fallout from it. How valuable is each moment of our existence?

I did not want to make this trip. I went because Mark wanted me to go and I did not want to disappoint him. I made him pay every step of the way. I am not proud of that. He was a dear and I was a bitch. Phooey. This trip stripped me to the bone.

Long minutes spent waiting for Mark in the lobby of the Marriott with no plans, no reading material, and no food allowed me to face myself. It is a self I am not too fond of. Heck, let's call a tuning fork a road grader, I am miserable. I hate regrets. And I am looking into a bucket load of them. Not regret for the grand missteps in my life, those I look back on with some pride. Took a lot of risk to be that stupid. No the regrets that are currently plaguing me are the little foxes. They are spoiling the vines of my life. The "yeses" when I want to say "no," the "noes" that should be yes, the inaction that could be movement, the action that could be rest. (Just let the dog outside and I could hear the neighbor's pigs snoring. Is very quiet here.) My Marriott meditations showed me a life of much self induced misery.

I have thought about and written out my life priorities before but not as real attainable goals. They were more pie in the sky wishy sort of vague longings. I did not really believe I could do anything about making my dreams come true. God determined my fate and I was just sort of along for the ride. Wrong. This trip has made me see that unless I gather up my courage and energy my life might just fade into pointless oblivion. Yes I believe if I died I would go to Heaven, but I don't want to waste the time I have been given in the present waiting for future Grace. And dear friends I have been wasting my precious minutes hours and days in fear and pointless endeavor.

Life is about loving one another. It is about driving 47 miles in rush hour traffic to meet someone you have never met. It is about cutting your nervous tired husband some slack. It is about not eating so much sugar you pass out. It is about coping with dog and cat dirt because of the joy they bring to you. It is about helping a friend move 24 hours after you have returned from a trip because you love her. It is about being grateful to God that you were up at 3am to hear the pigs snoring.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

P.S. Helen post away. As long as you don't post that picture where look like I should be wearing a stocking cap lined with tin foil I will be okay.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


Drove a million miles to meet us in Friday night traffic, and I am grateful. Was a treat to see one of my blog buddies face to face. In the wilds of Wyoming it is sometimes hard to believe you all exist. Not so hard to believe here in paradise. Miracles are possible.

I am down today. I am tired today. I want to go home today. I miss my dog, cats and my isolated home today. I am well and truly out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't change a thing.

Meeting Helen was an eye opener for me. She is as kind and attractive as she seems online. She is also accomplished, cultured, savvy and brave. Her life has been, and is full of interesting people, places and experiences. I envy her internal freedom. I asked her where this ability to go out and meet life came from. I am not sure I received a direct explanation. I did get an indirect explanation. She was talking about attending Burning Man every year and how freeing was that experience. She spoke of a lack of boundaries and free form creativity. Called to something deep within me, which I squelch at every opportunity. I was taught that that upwelling of limitless thinking was sinful in the extreme. I am not talking about the abandonment of boundaries, that is for emerging teenagers and criminals, I am talking about the embodiment of...hope I guess. No one around me believed hope was a good thing. It was silly and dangerous. Hope was limited to a few privileged people who had the resources to dream. Po people don't dream big.

I think the message of Christianity is to dream big. I think that has always been the message of Christ. Limitless Heaven is offered to earth bound sinners. The mystics understood and understand the message. And some of the Helen's. And maybe someday, some of the Lynn's.

Turns out my funny colored clothes are the poor woman's version of "resort ware." I did not know about resort ware. Apparently you wear it at resorts. Anaheim is not a resort and everyone here seems to be dressed for a military funeral. Black, brown, grey and muddy colors are the order of day. Mark says the way he finds me in the crowds is by looking for my pastel colored jacket.

We are going on a beach tour this afternoon. We are going home tomorrow. I am glad I came but it will take me a while to regain my footing. But maybe it will be new footing.

See you at home. Love Bea

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I'm Here

This will be quick as I am freezing to death in the hotel's computer room. They could hang meat in here.

I have talked to the "famous" Helen. She and I conversed whilst I was sitting outside at Bubba Gumps eating shrimp. Helen says this could have killed me. Taking to her was fun. Way fun. We will make contact Friday for dinner. I can't wait.

I am trying to figure out how to use the bus and Amtrak systems. Not as easy as advertised. We used ART (Anaheim Transport System) last evening. I spit on their system. We sat sitting for a total of two hours waiting for them to pick up and deliver us. I almost froze to death. Where is the darn sunshine? I thought it never rained in southern California.

The trip thru Salt Lake was a nightmare. Poured with rain, road construction out the wazoo and we got lost. Mentor Mary says a trip is not complete unless you get lost in Salt Lake City. We are batting a thousand. Plane trip was fun with the exception of the security check. The snake line took us forty minutes. The revolving door scan deal was a trip. Finding a place to put my shoes back on was exciting. I almost had to sit on some one's knee. Our concourse was outside and our plane was small. WE GOT TO SIT TOGETHER. Mark felt bad and fixed the seats just before we left. Hurrah. We sat behind two little girls. One was terrified and screamed and sobbed for the first fifteen minutes of the trip. The other girl was quiet as the grave until we left the ground whereupon she exclaimed in an awestruck voice "we are in the air." Made me cry. How did we earth bound creatures get so blase as to relax in out plane easy chairs and visit while we are leaving the ground? Is a mystery.

Okay I have to walk to the convention center and meet Mark for lunch. Looks like we will get to have lunch together every day. Yea. I need my fingerless gloves.

I will keep you posted as to my adventures. Knowing you all are out there reading has spurred me on to have some. Take care.

Love Bea.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Comfort Zone

I guess I am going. I decided today. A little late I know as we leave on Monday. This damn trip has become I place I hope never to re-visit.

Mark and I are speaking again. After almost twenty years of marriage it was a painful procedure for us to confront the vast differences in our priorities. I value security and Mark values adventure. I want to own, Mark wants to rent. I want dog and cats, Mark wants a pet rock. I want a minivan and Mark wants a sports car. I want to camp, Mark wants to stay in hotels. I want to save, Mark is not afraid of debt. I want a computer for work, Mark wants it to play games. I am a planner and Mark wants to fly by the seat of his pants. I am detail oriented and Mark thinks in broad strokes. I am an adult and Mark is a child...with a real bitchy Mommy.

Like most married couples we are fairly opposite in personality. I believe God put us together to rub the rough edges off one another. After the past week we are both much smoother.

I talked much to Mentor Mary about the trip. She acknowledged my fear of going into debt in perilous economic times. She acknowledged my anger at having to choose between the trip and much needed necessities, i.e. glasses and dental work. She acknowledged my frustration at Mark's unwillingness to let go of something he wants. After I had vented for hours she gently asked me, "Honey how much do you value being vulnerable?" Crap, crap, crap. Phooey. She had me.

I value being vulnerable. I just refuse to do it. And that is why I eat. I am a fear based prudent prig. But I don't want to be. I want to be an adventurer too. Mark is a County Prosecutor who wins his cases. He is not irresponsible in his work life. At home he lets me take care of absolutely everything because it is easier to not cross me. I control with an iron fist. Lest in any way I should be vulnerable. He is not a spendthrift and yes we can pay off any debt we incur. Yes he has had lessons to learn here also, but I cannot learn his lessons. I can only learn mine. And my lesson about this f*#^ing trip is to let go of control and be vulnerable.

So I'm going. I will sit by myself on the airplane. I will stay in an off brand hotel. I will wear funny clothes because they fit. I will eat alone. I will spend some money so Mark can see some of the things I have already seen. I will call Helen even if she is way thinner than me. I will have a dad gummed adventure. I will be vulnerable.

Take care and I will be back in a week. Love Bea