Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Morning all. Blog day is here. Is cold again this a.m.. More snow in the forecast. Has been foggy for the last couple of days. The inversion traps the fog in the valley and we live for a few days in old London. I sure miss the sun.

I love this laptop. I am sitting in my easy chair in the living room. I am beside a window trying to get some light. The birds are at the feeder eating me out of house and home. Last year I was stuck using Husband's computer upstairs. I had to wear gloves and hat to stay warm. Not so now. As with most old houses there is heat under the window. I have a cup of tea at my elbow and two dogs asleep on the floor at my feet. The cats are on the back of the sofa watching birds through the picture window at the other feeder. All in all, just a dandy situation.

Had a bad eating day Monday. Husband did not come home for lunch as planned. My routine was altered and so my external control was weakened. Don't know why I need routine to maintain control over my eating but it is so. I am grateful to recognize it. I went nuts. Ate a jar of salsa and half a bag of mints along with multiple cheese sandwiches. The binge lasted all afternoon until Husband returned home in the evening. I felt like a worm. A stuffed worm. Had a good cry, talked to God about my out of controlness and went early to bed.

I don't know why my inner control is so weak. I believe I can control people and situations in my life. I labor at controlling people and situations in my life. I can't control people and situations in my life. I don't believe I can control myself so I don't even try. I probably can control myself. I think I have things bassackwards.

I have set up rigid outer controls to make up for my lack of inner control. My "shoulds". Bells and bright lights need to be going off here. This is a huge insight for me. The outer controls, my routine and order, sort of work but are punishing to maintain. I would like to have order and peace inside and have it flow out on to my environment. I start counseling next Wednesday. Christian counseling. I am looking forward to some help.

"You have not because you ask not." Yup. That would be me. I am asking. It is scaring the crap out of me. Community is where I will receive healing for my broken places. I attended my third catechism class last eve. Will the Catholic Church be part of my new community? Don't know. Is a long stretch to give up sola scriptura and the sole authority of Christ. And all that confessing, how humiliating. Just what I need. Less isolation, even in my relationship with God.

Okay all done. Today is my day off. (A housewife does not get days off unless she takes them.) I am going to read and take hounds for a walk.

Pray for me as I will for thee. Love Lynn

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Sea Change

There is a lake somewhere in Africa or India that turns over once a year. All the debris from the bottom is washed up into the light of day. Something like that is happening to me.

I have lost three pounds. Not much for two weeks of more controlled eating. It is taking me a long time to get back into the swing of things. A "clean" kitchen and pantry do not happen overnight. I am using up the items I bought that are not so beneficial for me. As these run out I buy the healthy stuff. (Once again I am delighted to realize meat and veg are cheaper than processed food.) I don't care that I am off to a slow start. This is not so much about weight loss this time. It is about surrendering my desire to have what I want when I want it. I have spent years gratifying most of my desires. The fact that my desires are modest does not mitigate my out of controlness. With money also. Just because we are not dead broke does not excuse my buying stuff I should not be buying. I want a better life. I can envision the life I want. I have a promise from God for a better life, IF I DO MY PART. I am going to do my part. I am going to be out of debt (minimal prob) and thinner (maximal prob). I am asking God for help every step of the way.

I am a person who likes order. I have felt bad about this desire even while realizing it is a God given part of my personality. Hard to live an out of control life while loving order. Makes me hate myself. I finally get it. God is not a god of chaos. My need for order is a blessed state. I can pursue order to my heart's content. Order not perfectionism. Order leaves margin for error. Mine and other people's. Perfectionism brooks no failure anytime, anyplace or in anyone.

Back to doing my part. I am making change one baby step (thanks Vickie) at a time. Order is motivated baby steps. Perfectionism is turning the world upside down for overwhelming immediate change.

First Baby Step: I pray daily for patience and perseverance. I have outlined my weak areas. I pray in the mornings for God to strengthen me in these specific areas. That is it for now

Animals are fine. Abby new cat is getting cuter and cuter. Weather is cold. Way below zero most mornings. Has warmed up and is snowing. Is that better? Not sure. Husband has cabin fever. Mee too. Okay off to the races. See you next week.


Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Lost In The Fog

The second week of the new year. Who would have thunk it?

Major trauma and drama at our church. Some of us are struggling with the preaching of the idea of Universal Salvation in our fairly traditional setting. A few people have quit over the issue. I attend because my husband is still fighting the good fight. I get my spiritual sustenance elsewhere. I attended a catechism class with a friend last eve. Very enlightening. Very humbling. I know a moderate amount of Catholic theology from a scholastic setting. I found a much different kettle of fish from the faithful themselves. I will be going back.

New kitten is not preggers. She has a massive case of intestinal parasites. Worms. Gad. This cat is costing us a fortune. She is cute and we are all still terrified of her. She bites and scratches if she does not get her way. She has a particular hate on for Jonah. Poor little dog is getting neurotic.

Still snow and still overcast. Has been in the 30's, a miracle for this time of year. I am enjoying it.

I am back on my food plan. (I have gained back 30 pounds.) I am beginning to feel better as the grogginess of two years of relapse is rolling off me. I got a mini-tramp for Christmas so am jumping around in the mornings. Way more fun than the dreaded tread mill. Nice to look forward to salads again instead of resenting them. I guess if you get sick enough the cure looks like privilege instead of punishment.

Okay done until next week. Love Lynn