Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Happy New Year

Christmas is done. Yeah. I have a problem with Christmas. I sort of figured out what it was this year.

At Christmas time I feel judged and wanting.

1. My cooking. It is not good or plentiful enough. I feel obligated to bake and take confections to one and all. It takes me several batches of bread, cookies or candy to get an acceptable one to give as a gift. So I end up tired and frustrated, with a gob of rejects I then feel obligated to eat since I spent money and time on them.

2. My correspondence. I know and love a bunch of folks. I feel obligated to send a card to everyone with a personal note attached. I hate to correspond. I feel guilty for hating to correspond. I put off doing the cards until the last minute so I stress about them the whole season. I finally do them in one mad rush and end up tired and frustrated.

3. Gifts. I hate buying gifts. They cost money we don't have and I go into debt to purchase them. I never know what to get. I always feel like I have made a mistake with the gift or feel guilty for not sending one. Since I do not want to buy the gifts I put off purchasing them and add to the mad rush at the end. Frequently the gifts are late which shames me.

4. Decorating the house. First I have to clean everything. Baseboards, curtains, the lot. The cleaning takes days. Days I am also trying to cook, shop, correspond and entertain. When I get the cleaning done then we go get a tree and that whole process gets started. I do not enjoy decorating the tree. I feel guilty about this. I add decorations to our small house to make it festive. Except to me it does not look festive. I looks cluttered up with red and green stuff.

5. Entertaining. See 1 and 4. I about kill myself getting the food and the house perfect. By the time the guests arrive I hate them and can't wait for them to leave. I feel guilty about this also.

6. Parties. I do not fit into my good clothes. I feel fat, and panicked about the comparisons to the other thin women. Small talk wears me out even though I am good at it. I feel like I am on stage in tight clothing and uncomfortable shoes.

7. Food. OMG. Why do we make and serve so much food at Christmas. I am living on Gas-x and Rolaids. I can't not eat it, and feel bad about myself continually.

8. Christmas Cheer. I am angry and sad at this time of the year and am expected to smile all the time. I feel guilty because I resent it, the smiling.

9. Church. Gad. By the time we have a potluck to, decorate the church, wrap presents for the needy, celebrate the church's Christmas party, deliver presents and food to the needy, rehearse the Christmas play, celebrate the Choir Christmas party, go carolling, have the Sunday School class party, have the Christmas pageant, have the Christmas eve service and have the Christmas day service, I am about potlucked out. We still have to have another one to go to take down the decorations. See number 1. I feel really bad about not enjoying all of these opportunities to serve God.

10. Faith. I feel wanting because I gripe about Christmas. I should enjoy it. It is my Lord's Birthday.

What I learned. My low self-esteem and compensating perfectionism ruin Christmas for me. Until I have a better opinion of myself I need to keep Christmas simple. Next year by golly I am going to enjoy Christmas.

Happy New Year. Lynn

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

No Good Deed

I did not want another cat. The darn little thing just scratched me, again. My face this time. My lip is bleeding and swelling up. Phooey. She is afraid of everything. So is new dog. He is so stressed out about the new cat he chewed a corner off the baseboard. I just stood and cried when I found it. I have company coming for dinner on Friday and wanted the house to look nice. It smells of cat and dog pee and now a prominent baseboard corner is gone. These animals are overwhelming me.

Their fear has made me think about my own fears, and God. How many times has God attempted to help me and make my life better and I have misunderstood His intentions and reacted from fear? Countless I am guessing. These animals have no faith in me. They do not trust me so they react in self protective ways when I try to help them. Just like me. I did not learn to trust as a child and I continue to always respond to new situations and people in a self protective mode. I act like this in spite of a strong belief in God and His love. And there's the rub. I suddenly perceive a difference between belief and faith. Belief comes from my intellect. Trust comes from my heart. And my heart is still damaged. I long and look for a time when I will react from pure trust. Until then I will continue to walk out my belief in sometime fear. I hope when in future I scratch some innocent person they and I will recognize fear at work and make allowances.

Counseling is expensive. Our insurance may cover it after the deductible is met. It is December and our money is ALL spoken for this month. We have a high deductible. I do not want to put more money on the credit card. I am torn. What is more sensible, what is more faithful? Beats me. So I wait.

Take care. Love Lynn

Friday, December 9, 2011


Didn't know anyone was still out there. I will be more circumspect in my use of names.

Thanks Cindy and Anon., just thanks.

Well I am going to get Skye counseling. Catholic Skye counseling. I am grateful for another miracle.

I have been watching "Women of Grace" on ETWN the Catholic television network. It is a great show, full of valuable Christian information. The shows over the past week have been about hoarding. One of the guests was a counselor named Allison Somethingorother. She talked about affirmation therapy in relation to hoarding. I am not a hoarder but I NEEDED to hear about this affirmation therapy. This type of therapy was developed by Conrad Barr (name may be wrongish). The minute Allison started talking about it I knew it was for me. So....

Allison has developed a web site called On this web site you can find Catholic therapists in your area. I am not Catholic. In fact my church of origin taught that all Catholics were going to hell because they were not "saved" in the method approved of by our church. I am no longer an indoctrinated twelve year old and know this teaching to be hooey. Still, I remain very Protestant. I say all that to explain the miracle. I went to the web site and typed in Wyoming. Nothing. Big surprise. I typed in "no restrictions" and poof a whole list of people popped up. Guess who was on the list, with a telephone number? I dialed the number and a voice said "This is Allison." I damn near fell off my chair.

Why did I call? Impulse? Mebbee, I am calling it God. Why did Allison answer? God. She never answers the phone. Was a fluke she answered. Anyhoo, I am working on getting our insurance sorted out so I can do Skye counseling. I am looking forward to finding the rest of the puzzle pieces to my story. Ain't God great? I watch someone on the tube and thirty minutes later I am talking to her. By-the by, the program was a rerun. She taped it a year ago.

We got new carpet in the living room and bedroom. Just in time for new dog Jonah and new cat Abigail. Both long rescue stories. Anyone want a cat? You'd be surprised at the aggressive answers I am getting in response to that question.

Thanks for still reading. Love Lynn

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Not Funny

Since no one is still reading this I am going to use it as a diary of sorts.

Sad to have lost my following.  My own fault as usual.  I should have kept up with people.

It was a heck of a lot of work to keep trying to be Erma Bombeck.  My life just ain't that funny.  Okay some of it is funny.  The whole episode with Trish and Barbara plying me with "Live" water and phyto-greens while sticking magnets all over me was funny.  Seven hundred dollars for an air filter was hilarious.

The whole church thing is not funny.  Universal salvation is not funny.  Steve and his post-modern religious speak is not funny.  Children not being taught true Christianity is not funny.  A church filled with people who believe spreading the gospel means only handing canned goods is not funny.  Me not teaching Sunday School is not funny.  Me thinking about becoming a Catholic is hilarious.

Weighing a million pounds is not funny.  Feeling bad physically is not funny.  Having no clothes that fit is not funny.  Identity as fat slob is not funny.

The new dog is not funny.  His fear is palpable.  When chastised he slinks, falls down and or pees.  He is afraid of brooms, shovels, rugs, loud noises, the cat, me, Mollie, Joe, the television, the phone, his bed, being petted and table legs.  Poor little dude.  I despise his former owner.

Gad am I tired of Mormonland.  No fat people for starters.  Everyone is striving to be perfect.  Sort of funny. 

No more.

Friday, August 19, 2011

A New Day

I have been struggling to blog. This is unusual as normally I can crash a server with my words. I log on and then sit and stare at the screen. What up?

In the past on this blog I was unequally upbeat and downbeat. I wanted to be cheerful and full of fun but when I put fingers to keyboard out poured my insecurities and problems. I know this is the reason many people blog, but it no longer works for me. I am sick of griping about my life. Presto changeo, Pollyanna? No on your tintype. I am way to much of a melancholic for that much of a transformation. I do intend to reflect on my blessings. Even if those blessings are wrapped in pain. I think this is an assignment from God.

Here goes. Husband and I almost came to emotional blows. Through an elaborate series of stupid events he put almost $1000 on a credit card this week. I had just paid the darn thing off. I was angry, really angry and scared. I was loaded for bear and ready to inflict serious damage on our marriage. Before opening my mouth I decided to pray and let God do something with it. (God knows I can't) Well...after praying I opened my mouth and said..., "I have to apologize for spending a small fortune on my weight problem over the past twenty years." You could have knocked me over with a small twinkly type snack cake. I had not planned on saying that at all. Things went from bad to better. Through Divine intervention we began to confront some core issues in our lives and marriage. I am grateful.

That's the blessing for this week. It was a doozy.

Take care, Love Bea

P.S. How do you like my new color scheme. Soothing I thought.

P. S. S. I have industrial strength daises and hollyhocks in my flowerbed. Can they be dug up and divided?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Religion and Laundry

This post is going to be heavy on Christian beliefs so be warned.

Binding prayer is on old time Evangelical protection prayer. Protection from what? Protection from satan and other evil spirits. I believe avoidance is one of my besetting imps. So I pray, "In Jesus name I bind the spirit of avoidance. I send the spirit of avoidance to the foot of the Cross and pray the blood of Jesus over this spirit. Amen."

Universal salvation or Universalism is the belief that because God loves us we will all go to Heaven without any action on our part. I don't believe it.

This theology is new to me. Apparently is has invaded many Christian denominations while we weren't looking. Some of us in our church are struggling with this issue. This heresy has the potential to be very divisive here and other places where it has taken hold. Makes me tired. If is ain't one thing it is something else. If you want more info let me know.

We are thinking of going traveling in the near future. I have been researching lodges on line and may I just say, phooey. I am sick of wading through search engines to find suitable accommodations. Takes forever. I finally got phone numbers and just called. Wayyyy faster. I have been email absent for five or six months. Good grief. I may have to change my email address. What mess. My in-box is maxed out. I have not missed email at all. I am also trying to figure out what to do with my Face book page. I don't understand it. A friend has promised to help me. Just so you will know, I am not important enough to have all these venues for instant access.

I am going to quit typing now and hang out another load of clothes. I love hanging out laundry. I stand in the yard and look out at the mountains and thank God for the non-technical details of my life. The pigs' days are numbered. Fair is coming up soon. The neighbors are currently outside herding them around with long show sticks. The ducks are following along behind. Very cute.

Off to hunt for clothes pins. Bye Bea

Monday, July 25, 2011


I am sitting in my recliner typing this entry. Very cool.

Clothes are drying on the line, ribs are cooking in crock pot and dog is napping. I am at loose ends. I was so excited to finally get back to my blog...and I have nothing to say. My life is ordinary and calm. When I was losing weight I had something to write about. The agony and ecstasy of weight loss. As a "regainer" who has no intention of ever going on another diet, I am at a loss for words.

In my time off from this blog I learned a few things. I don't believe in the addiction model for weight loss. I can know when I am full and choose to stop eating. Exercise is key for maintaining an active metabolism. Breakfast is key for same. No sugar and no flour forever is just silly. Portion control is the most important factor in maintaining a stable weight. Sugary treats as daily fair make me feel drug out and depressed. If I get full I can stop eating and save the rest for later. Satisfaction is attainable. Cooking ahead makes me crazy. Better if I prepare one meal at a time. Focusing on food and fat the whole darn time taps into my control issues. Better to let life just unfold.

See, I told you, I have nothing much to say...about food.

Now if anyone wanted to hear what I think about Universal Salvation THAT I could talk about.

Hosta la veesta Babies, Bea.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I am outside on the deck. Incredible.

I am fine. Husband is fine. Dog is fine. Cat is self congratulatory. Summer is grand. I am being besieged by humming birds as I am wearing a black and red flannel shirt. I am freezing to death out here but I refuse to go inside. I have waited years to be able to type outdoors and by darn I am going to do it.

I wish I had good news on the fat front. But no. I weigh 200 lbs. I have been avoiding doing anything about it. In fact I have been avoiding many things for many years.

I bought this computer in April. I have put off getting a wifi connection for four months because I knew it would be a hassle, I don't like to ask for help and I was afraid in trying to set it up I would some how permanently damage my new computer. Dumb really. I deprived my self of the pleasure of typing outdoors in the cold and mosquitoes because I didn't like to trouble anyone.

I am praying a new type of prayer. It is called "binding prayer." As a result of some family difficulties I was made aware of my avoidance problem. I prayed the binding prayer about avoidance and was given the courage to get some stuff done. One of the stuffs was getting my computer hooked up. Today I called and got a wifi connection. It was every bit as difficult as imagined it would be. Too involved to get into but believe me when I tell you getting electronic service in this mountain valley is a nightmare. I had to stand up to the phone company rep and demand service. I got service, in person, and a free router to boot. I am so proud of myself I could sing.

Okay I have to stop. I am frozen. Was 38 degrees this morning and I think it will be cold again tonight. I am grateful for the good sleeping weather even if flannel sheets and wool blanket are ridiculous in July. The pigs are grunting next door. I think they are cold too.

Bye. I am taking my computer indoors.

Love Bea

Monday, April 11, 2011


More cheerful now. Still snowing. The neighbors got pigs yesterday. (Lets the smells begin.) I am going traveling. First time I have gone anywhere alone since I got married. I am looking forward to it. Have new computer but no wifi connection. Have new over the oven microwave. Life is good. Bye Bea

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Snowed Under

It only snowed six inches here on Tuesday. I'm grateful. Ten miles north of us it snowed two feet!

One and a half more weeks and I will be able to type on my own computer in the warmth. I can't find my gloves and my hands are freezing. How Husband survives up here I will never know.

Well...I guess it is no surprise. I am officially obese. I have returned to surviving on carbs, guilt and Gas-X. It is hard to be real fat again. Hard. Husband wants to go on a trip for our twentieth anniversary. In a week and a half. He wants to go to a hot springs resort. God help me. The only way I can get a swimsuit in time is to take the two smaller ones I own and sew them together. I have two pairs of jeans that fit and two sweatshirts and two blouses. These I wear to church and shopping. At home I live in sweatpants and His old shirts. I wear my snow boots over the sweat pants and my too snug old coat over the shirts to shovel snow and get the mail. How on God's (somewhere) green earth am I going to go on vacation for a week???? Mark sprung this on me today at lunch. He was so happy to make me happy. And I have and will ruin his happiness, again. Man is this hard to write.

My food problem has impacted our whole married life. I bawled on our wedding day because I looked like a whale in a cream colored dress. I died of shame inside on our honeymoon when a person had to be left behind on the hot air balloon ride to make room for me. So many places we did not go and things we did not do because I was too fat. Husband was understanding, but disappointed. And now twenty years later my fat continues to limit our lives.

Or not. I am praying for fat person courage. You know the kind, you suck it up, smile and just move forward into life through the wall of judgements. I can do it. I have done it before. I'll beg or borrow a swimsuit and some more clothes. I will go and do and smile.

It is hard to lie down in this bed I made of cheesecake and peanut butter.


Monday, March 7, 2011

Computer Promise

If anyone is still out there I am on my way back to blogging.

I am getting a new laptop next month!! Yeah and thank the Lord. It is currently on lay-a-way at Radio Shack. If I had known about lay-a-way I would have purchased a computer years ago. Oh well, live and learn.

I am a mess. Very fat (205) and very snowed in. I'll bet we have four feet on the flat with five foot berms, in the back yard. A couple of weekends ago I rode 66 miles on a snow mobile. It almost killed me. I now have bragging rights as a real Star Valley person.

Husband is fine, dog is sweeter each day and cat continues snotty. My winter isolation is over.

Love Bea