It has been almost a month since last I posted.
I have had the flu. The cat was spayed and declawed. Other cat got sick. Husband had an out of town trial. I quit my church. Washing machine and dryer broke. Six hundred million feet of snow fell. The sun is shining today.
Therapy visit was tres beneficial. Emotional Deprivation Disorder results from lack of unconditional love in childhood. This lack of love stunts emotional growth. The body, intellect and to some degree the spirit mature, but many emotions remain immature. Ipso facto, you end up as an adult attempting to navigate the "grown-up" world with child like emotional reactions. The cure is unconditional love in the stunted areas. How does this work? Beats me. I am still in the process of going through my history.
Okay all for now. I am actually vacuuming and was shanghaied by the computer.
Love Bea
Friday, February 24, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Sunshine today. Still ten below on north side of the house. All is white with the world.
Have lost five pounds as of today. Will probably go up by tomorrow as Husband's birthday celebration is tonight and I will eat pasta and cake, his favorites. I am prepared for a temporary increase and do not intend to go off the deep end about it. I am in it (food plan) for the long haul this time.
Had a birthday myself recently. I am now 55 years old. Seems weird but I am grateful, my mother died at 48. I have begun to get the weirdest mail. I got an add from a "scooter store." If I bought one of these scooters, according to the promotion, I would be doing wheelies in the parking lot in a matter of minutes. I don't think so. I have also begun to get catalogs advertising catheters and shower chairs. Come on. I may be a bit creaky in the knees on cold mornings but I am not yet ready for all this senior paraphernalia. Since when did 55 get to be the cut off age for youth? Like Jean Brodie, I believe myself to still be in my prime. Apparently I am the only one.
My first counseling session is today. I am hoping to work on trust. I think this is my main issue. Mebbee not. We'll see.
All done for another week.
Love Bea
Have lost five pounds as of today. Will probably go up by tomorrow as Husband's birthday celebration is tonight and I will eat pasta and cake, his favorites. I am prepared for a temporary increase and do not intend to go off the deep end about it. I am in it (food plan) for the long haul this time.
Had a birthday myself recently. I am now 55 years old. Seems weird but I am grateful, my mother died at 48. I have begun to get the weirdest mail. I got an add from a "scooter store." If I bought one of these scooters, according to the promotion, I would be doing wheelies in the parking lot in a matter of minutes. I don't think so. I have also begun to get catalogs advertising catheters and shower chairs. Come on. I may be a bit creaky in the knees on cold mornings but I am not yet ready for all this senior paraphernalia. Since when did 55 get to be the cut off age for youth? Like Jean Brodie, I believe myself to still be in my prime. Apparently I am the only one.
My first counseling session is today. I am hoping to work on trust. I think this is my main issue. Mebbee not. We'll see.
All done for another week.
Love Bea
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Community
Morning all. Blog day is here. Is cold again this a.m.. More snow in the forecast. Has been foggy for the last couple of days. The inversion traps the fog in the valley and we live for a few days in old London. I sure miss the sun.
I love this laptop. I am sitting in my easy chair in the living room. I am beside a window trying to get some light. The birds are at the feeder eating me out of house and home. Last year I was stuck using Husband's computer upstairs. I had to wear gloves and hat to stay warm. Not so now. As with most old houses there is heat under the window. I have a cup of tea at my elbow and two dogs asleep on the floor at my feet. The cats are on the back of the sofa watching birds through the picture window at the other feeder. All in all, just a dandy situation.
Had a bad eating day Monday. Husband did not come home for lunch as planned. My routine was altered and so my external control was weakened. Don't know why I need routine to maintain control over my eating but it is so. I am grateful to recognize it. I went nuts. Ate a jar of salsa and half a bag of mints along with multiple cheese sandwiches. The binge lasted all afternoon until Husband returned home in the evening. I felt like a worm. A stuffed worm. Had a good cry, talked to God about my out of controlness and went early to bed.
I don't know why my inner control is so weak. I believe I can control people and situations in my life. I labor at controlling people and situations in my life. I can't control people and situations in my life. I don't believe I can control myself so I don't even try. I probably can control myself. I think I have things bassackwards.
I have set up rigid outer controls to make up for my lack of inner control. My "shoulds". Bells and bright lights need to be going off here. This is a huge insight for me. The outer controls, my routine and order, sort of work but are punishing to maintain. I would like to have order and peace inside and have it flow out on to my environment. I start counseling next Wednesday. Christian counseling. I am looking forward to some help.
"You have not because you ask not." Yup. That would be me. I am asking. It is scaring the crap out of me. Community is where I will receive healing for my broken places. I attended my third catechism class last eve. Will the Catholic Church be part of my new community? Don't know. Is a long stretch to give up sola scriptura and the sole authority of Christ. And all that confessing, how humiliating. Just what I need. Less isolation, even in my relationship with God.
Okay all done. Today is my day off. (A housewife does not get days off unless she takes them.) I am going to read and take hounds for a walk.
Pray for me as I will for thee. Love Lynn
I love this laptop. I am sitting in my easy chair in the living room. I am beside a window trying to get some light. The birds are at the feeder eating me out of house and home. Last year I was stuck using Husband's computer upstairs. I had to wear gloves and hat to stay warm. Not so now. As with most old houses there is heat under the window. I have a cup of tea at my elbow and two dogs asleep on the floor at my feet. The cats are on the back of the sofa watching birds through the picture window at the other feeder. All in all, just a dandy situation.
Had a bad eating day Monday. Husband did not come home for lunch as planned. My routine was altered and so my external control was weakened. Don't know why I need routine to maintain control over my eating but it is so. I am grateful to recognize it. I went nuts. Ate a jar of salsa and half a bag of mints along with multiple cheese sandwiches. The binge lasted all afternoon until Husband returned home in the evening. I felt like a worm. A stuffed worm. Had a good cry, talked to God about my out of controlness and went early to bed.
I don't know why my inner control is so weak. I believe I can control people and situations in my life. I labor at controlling people and situations in my life. I can't control people and situations in my life. I don't believe I can control myself so I don't even try. I probably can control myself. I think I have things bassackwards.
I have set up rigid outer controls to make up for my lack of inner control. My "shoulds". Bells and bright lights need to be going off here. This is a huge insight for me. The outer controls, my routine and order, sort of work but are punishing to maintain. I would like to have order and peace inside and have it flow out on to my environment. I start counseling next Wednesday. Christian counseling. I am looking forward to some help.
"You have not because you ask not." Yup. That would be me. I am asking. It is scaring the crap out of me. Community is where I will receive healing for my broken places. I attended my third catechism class last eve. Will the Catholic Church be part of my new community? Don't know. Is a long stretch to give up sola scriptura and the sole authority of Christ. And all that confessing, how humiliating. Just what I need. Less isolation, even in my relationship with God.
Okay all done. Today is my day off. (A housewife does not get days off unless she takes them.) I am going to read and take hounds for a walk.
Pray for me as I will for thee. Love Lynn
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sea Change
There is a lake somewhere in Africa or India that turns over once a year. All the debris from the bottom is washed up into the light of day. Something like that is happening to me.
I have lost three pounds. Not much for two weeks of more controlled eating. It is taking me a long time to get back into the swing of things. A "clean" kitchen and pantry do not happen overnight. I am using up the items I bought that are not so beneficial for me. As these run out I buy the healthy stuff. (Once again I am delighted to realize meat and veg are cheaper than processed food.) I don't care that I am off to a slow start. This is not so much about weight loss this time. It is about surrendering my desire to have what I want when I want it. I have spent years gratifying most of my desires. The fact that my desires are modest does not mitigate my out of controlness. With money also. Just because we are not dead broke does not excuse my buying stuff I should not be buying. I want a better life. I can envision the life I want. I have a promise from God for a better life, IF I DO MY PART. I am going to do my part. I am going to be out of debt (minimal prob) and thinner (maximal prob). I am asking God for help every step of the way.
I am a person who likes order. I have felt bad about this desire even while realizing it is a God given part of my personality. Hard to live an out of control life while loving order. Makes me hate myself. I finally get it. God is not a god of chaos. My need for order is a blessed state. I can pursue order to my heart's content. Order not perfectionism. Order leaves margin for error. Mine and other people's. Perfectionism brooks no failure anytime, anyplace or in anyone.
Back to doing my part. I am making change one baby step (thanks Vickie) at a time. Order is motivated baby steps. Perfectionism is turning the world upside down for overwhelming immediate change.
First Baby Step: I pray daily for patience and perseverance. I have outlined my weak areas. I pray in the mornings for God to strengthen me in these specific areas. That is it for now
Animals are fine. Abby new cat is getting cuter and cuter. Weather is cold. Way below zero most mornings. Has warmed up and is snowing. Is that better? Not sure. Husband has cabin fever. Mee too. Okay off to the races. See you next week.
Lynn
I have lost three pounds. Not much for two weeks of more controlled eating. It is taking me a long time to get back into the swing of things. A "clean" kitchen and pantry do not happen overnight. I am using up the items I bought that are not so beneficial for me. As these run out I buy the healthy stuff. (Once again I am delighted to realize meat and veg are cheaper than processed food.) I don't care that I am off to a slow start. This is not so much about weight loss this time. It is about surrendering my desire to have what I want when I want it. I have spent years gratifying most of my desires. The fact that my desires are modest does not mitigate my out of controlness. With money also. Just because we are not dead broke does not excuse my buying stuff I should not be buying. I want a better life. I can envision the life I want. I have a promise from God for a better life, IF I DO MY PART. I am going to do my part. I am going to be out of debt (minimal prob) and thinner (maximal prob). I am asking God for help every step of the way.
I am a person who likes order. I have felt bad about this desire even while realizing it is a God given part of my personality. Hard to live an out of control life while loving order. Makes me hate myself. I finally get it. God is not a god of chaos. My need for order is a blessed state. I can pursue order to my heart's content. Order not perfectionism. Order leaves margin for error. Mine and other people's. Perfectionism brooks no failure anytime, anyplace or in anyone.
Back to doing my part. I am making change one baby step (thanks Vickie) at a time. Order is motivated baby steps. Perfectionism is turning the world upside down for overwhelming immediate change.
First Baby Step: I pray daily for patience and perseverance. I have outlined my weak areas. I pray in the mornings for God to strengthen me in these specific areas. That is it for now
Animals are fine. Abby new cat is getting cuter and cuter. Weather is cold. Way below zero most mornings. Has warmed up and is snowing. Is that better? Not sure. Husband has cabin fever. Mee too. Okay off to the races. See you next week.
Lynn
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Lost In The Fog
The second week of the new year. Who would have thunk it?
Major trauma and drama at our church. Some of us are struggling with the preaching of the idea of Universal Salvation in our fairly traditional setting. A few people have quit over the issue. I attend because my husband is still fighting the good fight. I get my spiritual sustenance elsewhere. I attended a catechism class with a friend last eve. Very enlightening. Very humbling. I know a moderate amount of Catholic theology from a scholastic setting. I found a much different kettle of fish from the faithful themselves. I will be going back.
New kitten is not preggers. She has a massive case of intestinal parasites. Worms. Gad. This cat is costing us a fortune. She is cute and we are all still terrified of her. She bites and scratches if she does not get her way. She has a particular hate on for Jonah. Poor little dog is getting neurotic.
Still snow and still overcast. Has been in the 30's, a miracle for this time of year. I am enjoying it.
I am back on my food plan. (I have gained back 30 pounds.) I am beginning to feel better as the grogginess of two years of relapse is rolling off me. I got a mini-tramp for Christmas so am jumping around in the mornings. Way more fun than the dreaded tread mill. Nice to look forward to salads again instead of resenting them. I guess if you get sick enough the cure looks like privilege instead of punishment.
Okay done until next week. Love Lynn
Major trauma and drama at our church. Some of us are struggling with the preaching of the idea of Universal Salvation in our fairly traditional setting. A few people have quit over the issue. I attend because my husband is still fighting the good fight. I get my spiritual sustenance elsewhere. I attended a catechism class with a friend last eve. Very enlightening. Very humbling. I know a moderate amount of Catholic theology from a scholastic setting. I found a much different kettle of fish from the faithful themselves. I will be going back.
New kitten is not preggers. She has a massive case of intestinal parasites. Worms. Gad. This cat is costing us a fortune. She is cute and we are all still terrified of her. She bites and scratches if she does not get her way. She has a particular hate on for Jonah. Poor little dog is getting neurotic.
Still snow and still overcast. Has been in the 30's, a miracle for this time of year. I am enjoying it.
I am back on my food plan. (I have gained back 30 pounds.) I am beginning to feel better as the grogginess of two years of relapse is rolling off me. I got a mini-tramp for Christmas so am jumping around in the mornings. Way more fun than the dreaded tread mill. Nice to look forward to salads again instead of resenting them. I guess if you get sick enough the cure looks like privilege instead of punishment.
Okay done until next week. Love Lynn
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Happy New Year
Christmas is done. Yeah. I have a problem with Christmas. I sort of figured out what it was this year.
At Christmas time I feel judged and wanting.
1. My cooking. It is not good or plentiful enough. I feel obligated to bake and take confections to one and all. It takes me several batches of bread, cookies or candy to get an acceptable one to give as a gift. So I end up tired and frustrated, with a gob of rejects I then feel obligated to eat since I spent money and time on them.
2. My correspondence. I know and love a bunch of folks. I feel obligated to send a card to everyone with a personal note attached. I hate to correspond. I feel guilty for hating to correspond. I put off doing the cards until the last minute so I stress about them the whole season. I finally do them in one mad rush and end up tired and frustrated.
3. Gifts. I hate buying gifts. They cost money we don't have and I go into debt to purchase them. I never know what to get. I always feel like I have made a mistake with the gift or feel guilty for not sending one. Since I do not want to buy the gifts I put off purchasing them and add to the mad rush at the end. Frequently the gifts are late which shames me.
4. Decorating the house. First I have to clean everything. Baseboards, curtains, the lot. The cleaning takes days. Days I am also trying to cook, shop, correspond and entertain. When I get the cleaning done then we go get a tree and that whole process gets started. I do not enjoy decorating the tree. I feel guilty about this. I add decorations to our small house to make it festive. Except to me it does not look festive. I looks cluttered up with red and green stuff.
5. Entertaining. See 1 and 4. I about kill myself getting the food and the house perfect. By the time the guests arrive I hate them and can't wait for them to leave. I feel guilty about this also.
6. Parties. I do not fit into my good clothes. I feel fat, and panicked about the comparisons to the other thin women. Small talk wears me out even though I am good at it. I feel like I am on stage in tight clothing and uncomfortable shoes.
7. Food. OMG. Why do we make and serve so much food at Christmas. I am living on Gas-x and Rolaids. I can't not eat it, and feel bad about myself continually.
8. Christmas Cheer. I am angry and sad at this time of the year and am expected to smile all the time. I feel guilty because I resent it, the smiling.
9. Church. Gad. By the time we have a potluck to, decorate the church, wrap presents for the needy, celebrate the church's Christmas party, deliver presents and food to the needy, rehearse the Christmas play, celebrate the Choir Christmas party, go carolling, have the Sunday School class party, have the Christmas pageant, have the Christmas eve service and have the Christmas day service, I am about potlucked out. We still have to have another one to go to take down the decorations. See number 1. I feel really bad about not enjoying all of these opportunities to serve God.
10. Faith. I feel wanting because I gripe about Christmas. I should enjoy it. It is my Lord's Birthday.
What I learned. My low self-esteem and compensating perfectionism ruin Christmas for me. Until I have a better opinion of myself I need to keep Christmas simple. Next year by golly I am going to enjoy Christmas.
Happy New Year. Lynn
At Christmas time I feel judged and wanting.
1. My cooking. It is not good or plentiful enough. I feel obligated to bake and take confections to one and all. It takes me several batches of bread, cookies or candy to get an acceptable one to give as a gift. So I end up tired and frustrated, with a gob of rejects I then feel obligated to eat since I spent money and time on them.
2. My correspondence. I know and love a bunch of folks. I feel obligated to send a card to everyone with a personal note attached. I hate to correspond. I feel guilty for hating to correspond. I put off doing the cards until the last minute so I stress about them the whole season. I finally do them in one mad rush and end up tired and frustrated.
3. Gifts. I hate buying gifts. They cost money we don't have and I go into debt to purchase them. I never know what to get. I always feel like I have made a mistake with the gift or feel guilty for not sending one. Since I do not want to buy the gifts I put off purchasing them and add to the mad rush at the end. Frequently the gifts are late which shames me.
4. Decorating the house. First I have to clean everything. Baseboards, curtains, the lot. The cleaning takes days. Days I am also trying to cook, shop, correspond and entertain. When I get the cleaning done then we go get a tree and that whole process gets started. I do not enjoy decorating the tree. I feel guilty about this. I add decorations to our small house to make it festive. Except to me it does not look festive. I looks cluttered up with red and green stuff.
5. Entertaining. See 1 and 4. I about kill myself getting the food and the house perfect. By the time the guests arrive I hate them and can't wait for them to leave. I feel guilty about this also.
6. Parties. I do not fit into my good clothes. I feel fat, and panicked about the comparisons to the other thin women. Small talk wears me out even though I am good at it. I feel like I am on stage in tight clothing and uncomfortable shoes.
7. Food. OMG. Why do we make and serve so much food at Christmas. I am living on Gas-x and Rolaids. I can't not eat it, and feel bad about myself continually.
8. Christmas Cheer. I am angry and sad at this time of the year and am expected to smile all the time. I feel guilty because I resent it, the smiling.
9. Church. Gad. By the time we have a potluck to, decorate the church, wrap presents for the needy, celebrate the church's Christmas party, deliver presents and food to the needy, rehearse the Christmas play, celebrate the Choir Christmas party, go carolling, have the Sunday School class party, have the Christmas pageant, have the Christmas eve service and have the Christmas day service, I am about potlucked out. We still have to have another one to go to take down the decorations. See number 1. I feel really bad about not enjoying all of these opportunities to serve God.
10. Faith. I feel wanting because I gripe about Christmas. I should enjoy it. It is my Lord's Birthday.
What I learned. My low self-esteem and compensating perfectionism ruin Christmas for me. Until I have a better opinion of myself I need to keep Christmas simple. Next year by golly I am going to enjoy Christmas.
Happy New Year. Lynn
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
No Good Deed
I did not want another cat. The darn little thing just scratched me, again. My face this time. My lip is bleeding and swelling up. Phooey. She is afraid of everything. So is new dog. He is so stressed out about the new cat he chewed a corner off the baseboard. I just stood and cried when I found it. I have company coming for dinner on Friday and wanted the house to look nice. It smells of cat and dog pee and now a prominent baseboard corner is gone. These animals are overwhelming me.
Their fear has made me think about my own fears, and God. How many times has God attempted to help me and make my life better and I have misunderstood His intentions and reacted from fear? Countless I am guessing. These animals have no faith in me. They do not trust me so they react in self protective ways when I try to help them. Just like me. I did not learn to trust as a child and I continue to always respond to new situations and people in a self protective mode. I act like this in spite of a strong belief in God and His love. And there's the rub. I suddenly perceive a difference between belief and faith. Belief comes from my intellect. Trust comes from my heart. And my heart is still damaged. I long and look for a time when I will react from pure trust. Until then I will continue to walk out my belief in sometime fear. I hope when in future I scratch some innocent person they and I will recognize fear at work and make allowances.
Counseling is expensive. Our insurance may cover it after the deductible is met. It is December and our money is ALL spoken for this month. We have a high deductible. I do not want to put more money on the credit card. I am torn. What is more sensible, what is more faithful? Beats me. So I wait.
Take care. Love Lynn
Their fear has made me think about my own fears, and God. How many times has God attempted to help me and make my life better and I have misunderstood His intentions and reacted from fear? Countless I am guessing. These animals have no faith in me. They do not trust me so they react in self protective ways when I try to help them. Just like me. I did not learn to trust as a child and I continue to always respond to new situations and people in a self protective mode. I act like this in spite of a strong belief in God and His love. And there's the rub. I suddenly perceive a difference between belief and faith. Belief comes from my intellect. Trust comes from my heart. And my heart is still damaged. I long and look for a time when I will react from pure trust. Until then I will continue to walk out my belief in sometime fear. I hope when in future I scratch some innocent person they and I will recognize fear at work and make allowances.
Counseling is expensive. Our insurance may cover it after the deductible is met. It is December and our money is ALL spoken for this month. We have a high deductible. I do not want to put more money on the credit card. I am torn. What is more sensible, what is more faithful? Beats me. So I wait.
Take care. Love Lynn
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