Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Gad I'm Fat

Self mixed more paint. I dumped some beige paint in with the flesh colored paint. Now I have a lighter flesh color. sigh I am telling my self it is orange mocha. I am not painting the room again.

I eat and eat. It is the only joy I seem to be getting out of life lately. A cruel joy to then make me so miserable. It is the money. I am worried about being broke. I can't stand to think about the prospect so I eat so as not to think or feel. Or to feel better.

The more time the remodel and moving takes the more money it costs. Mark says we have prayed about this and put it in God's hands and that is where we should leave it. In other words, "Don't worry about it." Well...that works for him. He has faith like the mustard seed. It can and has moved mountains. I have faith like...what, mist? I should, could be enjoying this process. I normally love to decorate and remodel. I enjoy taking what I have and doing the best I can with it. (Thanks Joyce) But the slow pace of this move is killing me. I am conscious of the monetary cost of every passing moment. Then I get overwhelmed and move even slower. And I feel guilty and scared. And I eat.

I am choosing to change. This is the day the Lord hath made and I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. I have been praying about my weak as water faith. Asking God to help me have stronger faith. This morning I received an answer. He said, "What do you think I am doing?" Faith is like a muscle, if it is not used it is weak. In my fairly problem free life of late I have not had to use my faith muscles. I or we could solve all our problems without aide. I got out of the habit of exercising any faith at all. It should come as no surprise that my faith muscles, weak in the best (worst) of times, have dwindled to almost nothing.

So...I will cooperate with this new faith workout plan.

First off, I am choosing to change my way of speaking. I am going to say only positive things about the remodel and the move. "I now have a wonderful warm colored orange mocha bedroom, with cream colored ceiling and trim. And I didn't have to spend any more money on paint." "I am grateful I have to go to the washateria to do laundry. Gives me time to sit and rest and read." "I am grateful to have a long time to consider the move. Makes me more determined than ever to let go of some of this stuff." "I am glad to be doing a lot of the remodel work by myself, since I believe it is my self I am actually working on." "God allowed us to get this house against all odds, and he will provide the money for us to remodel and move."

Second, I am choosing to be grateful. For everything. Mark is dealing with awful disgusting stuff at work. I am grateful our lives are protected from all that drama and trauma. They didn't used to be. We well remember the pit from whence we were dug.

Third, I am choosing joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I will sing when I don't feel like it. I will listen to uplifting (to me) music and t.v.. I will further develop my Erma Bombeck eye on life. I too can find humor in the new neighbor moving the lawn in a parka, gloves and what appeared to be Hawaiian print swimming trunks. He did not look happy.

Fourth, I will do one thing at a time. I will take one day at a time. I will concentrate on what I am doing and not dilute my present efforts by piling up future projects in my head. I will prioritize, with God's help. Perfect is time consuming. Good, and done, is done.

Fifth, I will take my greed for food to God again. Currently I don't just want something tasty and filling to eat, I want gobs of it. Mark, a normal eater, is hungry after all this manual labor and wants more food than we have been eating. So I guess it is normal I too should be hungry. But I can't stop after eating my fill. Again I am using food to give me peace of mind and soul. I am using food to fill the God shaped hole. Pray for me as I will for thee.

I love my new smaller house. I am longing to fix it up and make it comfortable and beautiful. But first I have to clean it and fix its major structural problems. Then and only then can I move in and begin to decorate. All this takes time.

Off to the "washateria." The sun is shining and I can hang the clothes on the line. Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

Monday, September 24, 2007

Snow, Flesh and the Devil

Well it's snowing. Can you beat it? All this mess I am in and now I have to cope with the snow. Thank God we got that carport up. Winter clothes are snug. Was eight pounds thinner last year at this time. (sigh)

Got the downstairs bedroom painted. "Acapulco Tan" it said on the can. As I was painting I kept thinking I recognized the color but I couldn't think from where. When I got all done the room looked like the inside of a mud hut, with a cream colored ceiling and trim. Was way too dark. And after all that flipping work. And it was a really odd color. Mark as usual nailed the problem on the head when he saw the completed room. "Why did you paint it this creepy flesh color" he asked? Yep. That was it. My new dream bedroom is the same color as the flesh colored crayon in the old crayola boxes. Pinky, orangey, tan...with cream colored ceiling and trim. I cried, and then laughed, got hysterical in fact. Every time I repeated "creepy flesh color" another paroxysm of hysteria would hit me. Mark finally got worried and said we need to quit and go home. I said, "we are home." He hauled me out of the house still wiping my eyes and guffawing.

I am more philosophical this morning. We were not supposed to buy this house and God intends for us to go broke. (I am kidding, I think.) We are not going to get into this house until the end of October. I will have to borrow money from friends/relatives to pay the house payment and rent for another month and for moving expenses. I have been fighting to get finished in such a way as to not spend so much money, but it can't be done. We are worn out. We are going to need paid help. At least to move. Who ever heard of moving without going into debt anyway?

We did take time out while buying the flesh colored paint to go and visit Mollie Bea. She is living on a ranchette with fourteen other dogs. They eat and sleep (in their own padded dog crates) in a heated barn and run around a huge fenced yard. She looks marvelous. Almost all the sap has worn off her coat which is now a shiny clean black. She has gained weight and looks like a dog instead of a skeleton. I wondered if she would remember me. She did. "Raptures" is what the dog lady said. She (Mollie, not the dog lady) sat on my feet when she wasn't licking me. She also sat on Mark's feet and licked him. He says he has reservations about us having this dog. But he was also making plans for a dog run and a dog bed. The cats are going to hate me. I hope we will all be fine.

I am freezing up here typing. Can't find my fingerless gloves. The upstairs in the new house has better heat I think. It will be a blessing. My poor hands are about done in. Am going with Mark again today on his hundred mile commute. I am going to buy more paint. A nice light beige.

I hope my winter coat still fits. Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

Friday, September 21, 2007

Thank You All

I am going to take the little t.v. over to the house and watch/listen to old videos. May even take DVD player over and watch DVD's. Crock pot is also darn good idea for supper. I have two, why did I not think of using them? Tired I guess. Lean Cuisine for lunch with veggies, genius. (We have been having sandwiches but I don't want all that bread.) Cheese sticks and apples for snacks.

Not much help to be had. Hunting season you know. Everyone vanishes into the hills for the months of September and October. Women in church friendly but leading their own busy lives. When packing time comes I will ask for volunteers.

Rest and sleep, not much to be had. Slept from midnight until 3am last night. I need hormones. Was not going to take them because I believe they might kill me (heart attack) but at this point I would relish looking rested in the casket. No time to get to doctor to get the darn things. My right hand goes numb when I look down. Is from all the painting. My neck is about shot. Did go and get a massage, with hot rocks. Heaven. Massage therapist told me to quit talking and "receive." So I did. I need to find my barley neck heating pad.

Back to rewards. If I suffer I am entitled to whatever I need to blot out/mitigate the suffering. It is this kind of addictive thinking that has me in its thrall. Food has again taken on magical properties. I look forward to it curing my ills. And I am here to tell you ice cream does not get the knots out of my neck. I have been trying this treatment to no avail. But while I am eating, I do forget about the knots. This is the payoff. While I am eating I forget my pain. And I believe I deserve to not be in pain. I should not have to suffer. And if I do suffer I am owed compensation. Where do you suppose I came up with this thinking? Owed, I am owed that pint of carmel-sutra. Like there is some cosmic suffering scale and when my side becomes weighted down with care it is my job to balance out the other side with food.

I am not owed food as a cure all for my pain. Pain comes. My job is to lean on God and learn to handle the pain. I am not owed pain relief. If anyone knows what I mean let me know. I am writing it but I don't really get it. Weird, I have to write in order to see what I think.

Have now to go 30 miles and get more paint. Store here has run out. Basement is almost complete. Closets are almost all done. Plumbing is done. Spackling and caulking almost all done. Husband home early and we are going to enjoy paint shopping drive.

Thank you again for your concern and your brilliant ideas. Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


"Shock and exhaustion" is what Cindy said. Yep. And fear. How am I ever going to get all this done? And how will I pay for it? I have been praying for strength and more money and help. Maybe I should be praying for peace. I can not even describe how tired I am.

"Shock" what a great word. That is what is basically the matter with me. I love my "routes" and nothing is normal. I am in shock. Like a bomb exploded in my living room. I feel like I have been attacked. (I know this is over reaction and I am not dying.) Mark keeps telling me not to worry and then blithely goes off to work. I resent this mightily. I not only bought the house and made all the arrangements for remodeling supplies, I am also working like a hired man in the remodeling process. I also have to keep the current house running, i.e. food, laundry, bills. I knew Mark could not take time off from work when we started this process, but I am feeling very abandoned none the less. Night sweats are killing me. I sleep maybe four hours a night. I painted for nine hours yesterday, on four hours sleep. I can barely type.

My only reward for all this work and stress is food. I know there are more rewards out there but when I get tired I can't think of any. I tried for a hot bath last night but the water heater had quit again. Had to push the reset button and wait an hour for a tepid shower. I ate an entire jar of raspberry jam in the interim. I want sugar and salt. We eat a good breakfast and it is down hill from there. Lunch is on the run and supper is at 8-9pm and is fast food. What I really want is order. None to be had for the next couple of months. I can't even do the laundry as the blankety blank power in the laundry room has quit again. I will be glad to get out of this rented house and into my own snug little home. Please God don't let me eat a house before I can change houses.

If any of you know how to reward yourselves with out using food or money or big chunks of time let me know.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

Monday, September 17, 2007

Dig It

This will be quick.

We leveled out a driveway by hand. Pick axe and shovels. All I really needed was a striped suit and a ball and chain. Mark kept singing about "Old Lazarus coming down." I was supposed to use the pick axe to the cadence of the tune. Only he didn't know the whole song. He sang those four words over and over. After about the zillionth refrain it was not the ground I wanted to hit with that axe.

We were leveling the ground for a metal carport. Company called and said carport would arrive at 6am on Saturday. The call came in at 4:15 pm on Thursday. Mark had to work all day Friday. No digging company available on such short notice. Bought pick axe on Thursday eve. I began to dig on Friday morning. Mark dug after work. We dug almost all night. Rocky hard ground.

Carport arrived Sunday at 6pm.

If any of this sounds funny I am not telling it right.

Take care of yourselves. Love, broken and bent Bea.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Fence Off

Wyoming is a "fence out" state. It is assumed livestock and wild things will wander at will. It is the land owner's responsibility to "fence out" unwanted animal intruders. It's the law.

Wyomingites are savvy about land and water law. There are not many of us (natives) and somewhere down the line most of us lived on a farm or ranch where you had to know about land and water law. So maybe it's bred in the bone. The County Attny's. office gets lots of calls about water and animals and the law. They love these calls.

Yesterday was a bumper day for livestock calls. Two mundane calls about horses eating flowers. People here tie their horses along the road side to eat the tall grass and weeds. Is cheaper and easier than mowing. Unfortunately if the rope is too long the horses munch their way into other peoples yards and eat flowers. Everyday stuff. Not so with the turkeys and the rabbits.

The "fowl" call was placed by an irate homeowner who resented having to pay to feed the neighbors herd of turkeys. Seems the neighbors release this pack of poultry every evening to flock into her yard and eat all her dog food and poop on the lawn. This has been going on for months in spite of repeated calls and entreaties by the dog food provider. The turkeys are eating a bag of dog food a week. The lawn is thriving but the walkways are "befowled." The angry homeowner had researched the issue and knew the county ordinance about the permitted number of poultry per acre. She wasn't sure as she couldn't tell all the turkeys apart but she thought they exceeded the legal limit. She had had it with these expensive pests and wanted something done now.

The lepidine call came hard on the heels of the fowl call. Another homeowner was frustrated because the neighbors rabbits were getting out of their pens and coming into her yard and eating all her new trees. It was bad enough when they killed the cheap $45 ones but now they had begun to chow down on the pricey Aspens. She called the neighbors to complain and was told to "just shoot them." The rabbits not the neighbors. She proceeded to use a pellet gun on the escapees but it didn't do anything except "make them jump up in the air." She guessed she was not strong enough to pump the air rifle up sufficiently. She said she could sit out every evening at twilight with a twenty-two but she resented having to do this. She felt is was someone else's responsibility to shoot the bunnies. The County should shoot them.

Chicken wire. Both lovely frustrated ladies were encouraged to more effectively fence their property. Page after page of county ordinances were recited by both women to Mark so as to invalidate this answer. The state "fence out" statute was news to them both. It did not fall on receptive ears. Mark alerted the deputies to be prepared for some sort of contretemps in each case. Elderly ladies with small budgets and beautiful yards will not give in so easily.

Take care of your yards. Love Bea

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


9/11. My agonies about moving are relative. I am glad to be alive. I am glad my loved ones are alive. This is the day that the Lord hath made and I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

P.S. Thanx Lori and Cindy for moving tips. Renting dumpster is genius. Anyone else have any tips? I'll take them.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Fixer Upper

Like me. Mentor Mary frequently compares our houses to our selves. Foundation as our basic beliefs, basement as stuff from the past, main floor as current events, upstairs as higher learning, attic as spiritual life and roof as the covering over it all - God. Bathroom is about cleaning up and out our stuff, bedroom about rest and sexual concerns, kitchen about nourishing ourselves, family room and study are self evident and garage is about our ability to move. I have been spending time in the basement and on the main floor of our new home. Every load of grime I hall out of the basement feels like soulish progress. We are doing a lot of fix up to my bathroom. We are doing not just cosmetic but structural changes all round. The house is basically sound, but it is old and neglected and in need of some loving maintenance. Like me.

I will be happy to get to the paint, the pretty part. But I am curiously fulfilled doing the strengthening work i.e. plumbing, patching, tiling, building, and cleaning. I needed this fixer upper.

Soon comes the scary task. Packing and getting rid of stuff. I DO NOT want to haul a bunch of worn out and/or unused junk into this new house. I am praying for guidance and strength in my downsizing. (Curious choice of word "downsizing" in relation to my house/body don't you think?) Must muse on this.

Back to home repairs.

Take care of your houses. Love Bea

Friday, September 7, 2007

Tempted and Tried

There is some old Eagles or Don Hennley song with the line,"this is the last useless evening I will ever spend." I have come to the same point with food.

I had forgotten what compulsive eating was really like. I have eaten crap for occasional meals and binges over the past year but have always quit after a meal or binge or two. Not so during week before, and Labor Day weekend. I consciously ate everything I used to eat and in the amounts I used to eat. After seven days of this kind of eating I was sick as a dog and crazy. Here is the list of the food induced ailments.

1. Flatulent enough to float.
2. Clogged up to my eyeballs.
3. Painful acid reflux that no amount of Pepsid would cure.
4. Yeast infection requiring two one dose Monistat cures.
5. Acne.
6. Cravings from hell.
7. A screaming fit in a lumber yard.
8. Crying jag that lasted for two days.
9. Lethargy like I was wading through molasses in snowshoes.
10. Panic attack. I haven't had one of these in years.
11. Herpes attack to go along with the yeast infection.
12. Sleeping like the dead alternating with prowling around at night like a nervous burglar.
13. Water logged enough my wedding ring wouldn't fit.

Scared the pea wadding out of me. Especially the emotional stuff. I have been suicidal but never "nuts" like Mom was nuts. Never completely out of control. I came close in the middle of the sheet rock section of that lumber yard. Screaming mad I was. I don't scream without much internal preparation. It is work for me to have to scream. But scream I did. I have been possessed by the spirit of sugar invited rage.

I am better now. No overt sugar for the last couple of days. I had a short season in Hell. I don't want to go back. Even if I never lose another damn pound I am finally well and truly GRATEFUL for the healthy way I have learned to eat, and this is how I will continue.

I thought my food plan was limiting and boring and time consuming, and sometimes it is, but compared to the other way of living it is a BLESSING. I had lost sight of that.

Okay enough said. I am now going out and look for self stick tile. Supper is cooked and waiting. Meals are planned and semi done for the weekend. Thank God I am better.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

Tuesday, September 4, 2007


This post is going to cover a lot of territory.

First, we spent all holiday working on the house. Now I know why they call it Labor Day. Many things to be done before we can move in. Mark cannot take time off so it is up to me to get stuff done. My brain and body are about fried. I don't think we will get repairs done and be able to move in by the end of the month. I hope we can stay here until the middle of October. Fiasco with the water heater. Mark left me bailing in a flooding basement while he drove into town to get the broken part. I thought I was a gonner when the water heater CAME ON. I thought Mark had shut off the electricity. The shut off valve did not work for the water main which is why the flood. I envisioned being electrocuted. Got very wet. That's all. Problem is now solved and basement floor is really clean.

Second, I have been eating like old times. Pizza and ice cream and donuts for most of weekend. I am swollen up like a poison toad. I have begun in the past two weeks to dream about food again. I dream about eating it and how good it tastes. Anyone else do that? I did this when I first started on the food plan. Very odd. Last night I dreamed I was at some national weight loss convention and was being given an award. Thing is, I had gained 10 pounds and my clothes were strangling me. I felt just awful. I woke up feeling fat and awful, and water logged.

I have not bought the idea of sugar as addictive. I think I am changing my mind. I think that is what the eating dreams are about. My body and brain are processing the new sugar overload just as a year ago they processed the sugar withdrawal. Cravings at night have been hideous. I don't think I can handle sugar. And sure not alone. In all the house stuff my prayer life has been on hold. Not good. I need help to cope. Today I prioritized my life again. God first, sugar abstinent eating second and every other darn thing after numbers one and two. This will not be easy in the panic of home repairs and moving. Pray for me.

Third, is there a difference between passion and lust? (Cleaning and spackling and painting give a person time to think.) I believe I have often mistaken them. I want passion in my life. Lust just gets me into trouble. I think lust may be insatiable and passion can be fulfilled. That statement feels liberating. My sugar cravings are insatiable. I get filled up on healthy food. I hate insatiable. I want to be delivered from it. I think only God can do it. I have lived my life controlled by lust, at least in concept if not in deed. Okay so there have been a few deeds. I do not want to be ruled by lust. I begin to get a clearer picture of the sin of gluttony.

That's all. The posts and comments may be few and far between in the next month. I am dead heat busy. Or not. This writing thing has become as integral as breathing. I am grateful to be given words and a venue to express them.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea