Thursday, August 27, 2009

Fake Dieter

I am a mess right now so hold onto your socks.

My heart is cracking. Our current church, Lutheran, just chose to ordain gay clergy. Our former church, Episcopalian, chose to ordain gay clergy. We left the Episcopal church because we do not believe in gay CLERGY. Yes I think homosexual behavior is a sin. I also believe gluttony is a sin. I go to church every Sunday. Church is the place you take your sin because you cannot cope with it on your own. It broke my heart to leave the Episcopal church and our church family. I may soon need to survive another broken heart, don't know yet. Pray for me and Husband.

I was going to write a funny about Mark and turkey. Maybe I still will. I am ambling my way back toward my food plan. Part of the plan is four ounces of protein at each meal. No problem with lunch and supper, but I get awful sick of eggs for breakfast. So I have been making lean hamburger patties, salmon, little pork chops and...turkey burgers. I have tried every turkey burger on the market as well as making my own. All of them taste from bad to worse, and smell h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. So this morning I had a new brand of burger and decided to prekill the taste with a nice blend of herbs. I liberally sprinkled the herbs on the patties and flopped them on the grill. Within three minutes Mark came streaking into the kitchen from the shower. "No more damn turkey before 11:30 a.m.," he bellowed. "I don't want turkey burgers, or turkey breasts, or turkey meatballs, or turkey giblets or turkey legs for breakfast. What do you have against pigs? Why can't we just have bacon and ham and sausage like normal people?" Why indeed?

I started this blog a couple of years ago when I was losing weight. In the past three years I have quit losing and have regained fifteen pounds. Should I still pretend to be blogging about weight loss? I weigh 195 and seem to be mentally, emotionally and physically stuck there. I read the Fat Crack book, and sighed. I don't want to work that hard at my food. I read all of your success stories and feel like a fake dieter and a big ole failure. I am thinking of quitting the blog because I have nothing to add to the weight loss conversation. Does is matter if I quit writing about losing weight?

What do you all eat protein wise for breakfast? No chicken or soy protein (veggie burger) suggestions. They were sampled and vetoed along with the tuna patties.

Take care. Love Bea

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Addicted To Emotional Comfort

The book "How To Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything" by Albert Ellis has been around since 1988. Ellis is the founder of RET, Rational Emotive Therapy. This school of psychotherapy loosely falls under the behavior modification classification. It is based on our ability to see and debunk our 'irrational" core beliefs and thereby change our "irrational" behavior.

For example, when I get extremely anxious I binge. My core belief is that I really "can't stand" suffering my off the charts anxiety (low frustration tolerance) and that I "have to have" the food to calm me down (fill in the empty spaces between the synapses). As all bingers know, that is a fairly cut and dried description of the ragged bleeding feelings that drive us to eat non-stop. Using RET to combat overeating is basically asking yourself a series of rational logical questions. The first of which may be, "Can I stand it? Am I standing it?"

I tried it. Turns out I knew full well I could "stand it." If someone had come to the door my binge would have shut down like I had been doused with cold water. I just didn't want to stand it. I wanted to get rid of the emotions, I wanted to feel the ahhhhh release, I wanted to relax and sleep. I did and do not want to feel my negative emotions.

I have never wanted to cope with my anxiety/frustration. Mark says my favorite saying is, "Why does everything have to be so damn difficult?" I did not realize I even said that. I eat because of low frustration tolerance.

Another of my core beliefs is that I am "owed." God or the universe "owes" me an easy life. What hubris. What irrational hubris. I didn't realize I believed this ridiculous thing. Since I am owed it is "unfair" when something bad happens to me. And I "just can't stand it." And I feel frustrated and anxious, and don't want to feel that way. And I eat to blot out the emotions. Round robin.

I only touched the tip of the information in this book. It is full of great stuff and has been a wake up call for me. If I choose to use the strategies of RET my life will change. It has already changed. Turns out the statement, "I can stand it," is VERY empowering. Addictions can be conquered.

I am sorry I am not reading more. I come up here once a week (maybe) to post and read. Seems like my time is filled up with other things and I do not think of this (blog) as a priority. I am rethinking this.

Take care. Love Bea

P.S. Yoga Fran says I am her most improved student. I can finally do the bow and last time I almost touched my socks while attempting the camel. I am a whiz at the plank.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Good gravy what a month I had and am having.

I deep cleaned every square inch of my house and yard in preparation for guests. Then had two sets of guests. I have been to every fair and social gathering out there, and still have more to attend. I have purchased and cooked and eaten until I never want to see food again. (Alas, if only it were so.) I have shopped until I dropped and driven hundreds of miles to do so. I have spent money like it grew on trees. I have done so much laundry my washer is on permanent speed dial. I am having a good time but I am pooped.

I haven't had many insights lately because you have to be present to yourself for info to seep into the soul. I have been on autopilot. Cheerful autopilot, but still oblivious to almost everything but the next needful task. On one of these marathon shopping expeditions I did buy a book that is bringing me up short. "How To Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Absolutely Anything," has some uniquely useful thoughts. I know I have "minimal impulse control" but I did not know I also had "low frustration tolerance." These two conditions together are lethal for an addictive personality, or else they are the components of an addictive personality. I haven't got far enough into the book to know yet. I thought I had a high anxiety tolerance. Turns out being able to function effectively while anxious and under pressure is NOT low frustration tolerance. In fact tolerating this much misery for extended periods of time makes the condition worse!!! Low frustration tolerance is the inability to self soothe, I think. I have to read more about it to make sure. The condition is exquisitely painful and will be avoided at all costs. Addicts use their substance of choice to numb the pain of the anxiety. I'll bet this is another one of those things like impulse control that is normally taught in childhood. Bugger.... But I guess if Moll Dog's can learn impulse control, so can I.

I am going to do some research about this low anxiety tolerance thing. If any of you know about it please let me know.

Take care of yourselves and think of me as I smile sweetly at about a thousand more parties.

Love Bea