Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tired or Depressed?

Hell of a way to start a Thanksgiving blog ain't it? Let's get this straight upfront, I recognize and count my blessings. I am a well blessed woman. Thank You God. And God bless Us everyone.

We got back Sunday evening from a 1082 mile round trip..trip. We visited Mentor Mary and Heart Surgery Friends. Mark attended a CLE course (free). I shopped at Wally World. The dog moped.

On Monday I did laundry and cleaned house. I then spent three hours at an evening church committee meeting. Tuesday I spent three hours at another church (morning) meeting and then shopped for groceries and made a pie. Today I am supposed to be cooking for Thanksgiving. And you know what? I ain't a gonna do it. I'll cook the damn dinner on Friday. Thank God we are invited out tomorrow. I just need to make another pie.

I couldn't sleep last noc. I was attacked by my mind. Racing thoughts, twitching, sweating, the whole nine yards. I got up...and ate the pie I now have to replace. A whole pie. Amazing. Then came the backlash. I was plagued by visions of plunging knives into my bulging flesh. In an effort to right myself I decided to pace the deck. (Was freezing cold out there in my nightgown and robe I might add.) I also gave my craving a voice. Whoa Nellie.

Ever seen a two year old's temper tantrum? That is what came out of me. I hollered (quietly) for fifteen minutes. Much of it consisted of sobbing "I want it" and "Now." Eventually I was totally spent. Then I noticed the quiet, and the stars. Cold crisp wonder. The Big Dipper and Orion's Belt and the Milky way were there for the touching. I was at peace. And filled with gratitude. And I no longer wanted to eat, ever.

What did I learn? 1) I am tired. Having seventeen bodies to dinner one week and then going 1000 miles a week later was TOO MUCH. I do not adapt that quickly anymore. May hap I never did. 2) Sitting in front of the television to relax and rest up only makes me feel worse. 3) Movement makes me feel better. 4) Giving the craving a voice may be a useful tool in the future. 5) I am afraid the dog will want to get up at 1pm every morning and go for a walk.

I know this is a weird Holiday post but I had to let off more steam. Thanks for reading.

Happy Thanksgiving. Love Lynn

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Black and White

I hate stupid shades of grey. Not having absolutes makes me depressed. Take losing weight for instance. (That last sentence was supposed to be ironic.) I want to make up my mind, plan, statement, whatever and have a stopping and a starting point. I want to draw a line in the sand and then build a concrete wall on it. I want to be sure of a thing. I hate wandering around in a land of constantly shifting barriers.

I know where the longing for absolutes comes from. I know it is common to to women of my background. And you know what? Knowing is not all it is cracked up to be. And of limited practical value.

How do y'all cope with the living in rainbow land? ("Rainbow land" is more cheerful than shades of grey I thought.) It seems I can't respect myself unless I am functioning in black and white. It seems I can't be at peace unless I am functioning in black and white. It seems as though I can't think unless it is in black and white. How do most folks live in a world of shifting sand? I am sure I don't know.

Okay, after that depressing little diatribe I will cheer up a tad and tell you how the dinner went. Dinner was fine, I was a mess. I ended up with thirteen adults and four kids. We had enough food and drink. That was good. We had enough chairs to eat dinner. That was good. Guests had fun fellowship I think. That was good. I was mad as hell the whole time. That was bad. Gad am I a putz. I wasted a nice evening with friends seething inside about being taken advantage of. Since I invited all these people I am not sure who I thought was taking advantage of me. I want to enjoy people in my home so I invite them over, and then I promptly begin to hate them. What is my deal anyway?

Good bye cruel world from your fat depressed friend, Lynn.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


Fourteen people are due here at 6pm tomorrow night. I am cleaning like mad. I have the upstairs done and will soon have the kitchen done. Bathrooms I will do later this evening. Living room and bedroom I will do tomorrow along with setting the table. Will be lovely to have the house clean from top to bottom before the holidays get here. We are doing pot luck so my cooking is at a minimum. I am using paper everything. I finally got the living room curtains done and the laundry room shampooed. Yeah for me.

I am stressed so am eating. I am eating nuts. I have begun to hate nuts. I want peppermint candy. Do you think you can get addicted to peppermint? I even dreamed about it last night. Very odd. Peppermint tea helps with the craving but is sure not as good as those red and white starlight mints. I am totally off chocolate. Finally got on the scale. I gained three pounds. Good grief. I don't have time to hate myself today so I guess the three pounds will just have to remain three pounds.

Mentor Mary is holding her own. Her children and all her church family have rallied round. They ended up having two funerals, and a memorial service at the high-school. Fifteen year old Donna was well loved.

More next week if I survive the dinner party. How I am going to fit fourteen people in our kitchen is the question. Mark said the men could stand around in the mud room holding their plates and talk hunting and football. He said this sort of wistfully. Men are just odd.

Take care. Love Lynn

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Out of the Loop

Thanks guys for all of your comments about my friend's surgery. I feel a little less like an envious creep now.

Has been a hard week all around. A friend was laid off her job after working at the same hospital for twenty years. She was summarily let go and then escorted out of the building by a security guard. I thought this stuff only happened in the movies.

Mentor Mary's granddaughter was killed in a car accident on Thursday. Mary is coping but is in great pain. She said, " At 82 I am no stranger to tragedy, and it hurts the same each and every time." Please pray for her and for friend Kim.

Both of these events make being fat seem like a cake walk. No pun intended.

I am still reading and learning about feeling my feelings. Sitting with them and not eating is hard. I have figured out where my "overwhelmedness" comes from. I can now recognize my chest swelling on the inside when the feeling takes me over. All to do with the past of course. Just knowing that overwhelmed feeling is an unprocessed childhood reaction has been a God send. When I begin to feel it I can choose to sit down and look through my memories and see what surfaces. Has been real interesting what has come up. When I remember stuff then comes the hard part. I have to sit still and let the memories and all the accompanying emotions wash over me. If I can stand the emotions (and not eat) I eventually sort of pop thru on the other side of them. This feels like a miracle. Finally feeling the old buried stuff...diffuses it. I can then look at the "stuff" as a fifty-one year old woman and decide how I want to feel about it. I do not have to keep reacting like a child. I have allot of work ahead of me but I am eager to get to it.

Take care of yourselves. And I mean that. Love Lynn