Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I don't usually post two days in a row but I have to get this down on paper, or pixels, lest I forget. See yesterday's post for saga of Mark's job.

I was sitting on the couch today at 10:30 feeling guilty and eating bread and butter sandwiches. I felt guilty because it was 10:30 and I hadn't yet done anything.

Digression---I got up today at 5:30. I let dog out. I dressed, washed face, brushed teeth. I started coffee. I set up ironing board. I fed dog and cat. Mark got up. I ironed shirt and slacks for Mark. I turned on radio and listened to weather. I made cup of tea. Mark read his Bible and then showered. I cooked breakfast (oatmeal, eggs, grapefruit) while drinking tea and listening to local sports and birthday requests. Stripped sheets off bed and put them in the washer. Mark dressed and we sat down to eat. Finished eating and did Bible reading together. Mark put on coat and tie and left for work. I put on boots and went outside to drag huge black trash trolley to side of road. Went indoors and gathered up trash and ran it outside. Too late. Trash truck drove by and did not pick up trash. Again. Called trash people and argued with them about trash guy missing us every week. Trash girl was rude and said someone would be by to pick it up in the afternoon. Went inside and put on coat. Dog and I went outside to pooper scooper and feed birds. Came indoors fixed second cup of tea and sat down to do my devotions. Did devotions and then watched my preacher lady on television for 45 minutes. Got up from chair and transferred laundry to dryer. Noticed time. Felt horrible lazy and sat down on couch and gave in to tears and despair and bread. Felt guilty for not getting anything done.

As I was sitting there in my guilt, sniffing and eating my bread and butter, I chanced to tune into my thinking as my vision circled the room. My glance first fell on the television. I felt guilty for watching Joyce in the mornings. I felt guilty because there was a light layer of dust on the t.v.. I looked at the clock above the t.v., it was late and I wasn't doing anything. I looked at the walls. I hadn't washed them since we painted them three years ago. My eyes traveled to my desk. More dust. Inside a welter of unfiled stuff and indecision about what to discard. Also guilt about not sticking to budget better. Calendar came into view next. Gad, the days I have wasted doing nothing useful. Door next. The door has some scuff marks on it. Mirror next. Permanent streaks on mirror from years of spaying Windex on it instead of on rag first when cleaning. Mark's chair next, chair cover needs washed and side table needs dusted. Coat closet. Full of way to much stuff. Needs cleaned out. Front door. Needs screw tightened in doorknob. Green chair. Towel in chair seat is covered in cat hair. Window. Drapes need washed. Window is filthy after winter. My chair. Way to many books on side table. More dust. Magazine on the floor. Floor needs vacuumed. Sofa in front of picture window. Drapes need attention. Window is dirty. Cushions need cleaned. Cat hair on back of sofa where cat is sleeping in sun. Fat woman eating bread sitting on sofa feeling guilty about every damn thing in the room. I forgot the sleeping dog. Felt guilty I had not taken Mollie out for a run yet. (I did not feel guilty about the cat. She is living like a queen.)

My whole life has been based on feeling guilty for not measuring up. As the guilt piles up I feel overwhelmed and out of control. I hate feeling overwhelmed and out of control so I eat to ease the feeling. I then spiral deeper into guilt/despair for the eating and eventually become inert. Then I sleep.

Woke up at 2:00 pm. Prayed for deliverance from guilt. Prayed hard. I am not going to live like this. I am just not having it. I am not going to feel guilty for every f**king thing I do or do not do. Conviction comes from God. Guilt and condemnation do not. If I sin, I feel convicted, I say sorry, I make amends if possible, and I move on. If I feel guilty it is just tricks of the puny one and I stay stuck. NO MORE STUCK.

Take care. Love Bea

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Faith Less

Okay I can take a joke as well as the next guy, but eight inches is just silly. It was five below last Tuesday and today it's snowing. I'm so over winter.

Life goes along apace. One job interview down, a couple more to go.

If we have to move again it will really tell what I am made of faith wise. I demonstrated minimal faith during the last two moves. The move up here to our mountain paradise rental house happened so fast I didn't have time to panic and over control. Plus we sold our house at home and made money so I wasn't worried sick about finances. When we bought this house and moved I was exhausted and pissed off but not too fearful. This time will different.

Our house is worth $50,000 less than when we bought it three years ago. Fifty thousand dollars. I am having trouble even getting my mind around this fact. The market is flooded with for sale homes much nicer than ours. We have done a lot to this house but it is still ninety years old and small. I fear ain't no one out there a gonna want a vacation home with oodles of charm but no dishwasher. We are trying to figure out what to do about the house if Mark gets one of the jobs. None of the options are appealing. This is where the faith comes in.

If we move we will have to do a U-Haul move as we can't afford a mover. We used up all our savings fixing up the house. Traveling to and from interviews and house hunting is expensive. If we found a place then there are all the down payments and first and last months rent. I have been figuring out how to cash in our IRA and life insurance. I don't know where we will get the money to move otherwise. This is where the faith come in.

Mark has much experience at his job and in the past this has been a huge asset. Not any more. Experienced attorneys are first in line for all the jobs going. The weirdness at his current job seems to be resolving, but now the county is slashing the budget. His position may well go half time in June. If he doesn't find a job by then we will be in a world of hurt. This is where the faith come in.

I have been reading the want adds. I could apply to be a car hop, or work at Sub-way. Part time of course. I was gong to call about the car hop job and was told the summer fast food jobs are reserved for local teenagers and kids home from college for the summer. This is where the faith comes in.

I hate not being in control of my life. Scares the crap out of me. But there is not one darn thing I can do to change my circumstances. I can't fix the housing market. I can't fix the unpleasantness at Mark's job. I can't fix the county finances. I can't make someone hire Mark. I can't make someone hire me full time at more than minimum wage (which isn't enough to pay the bills). I can't get our savings back out of this house. I can't make it quit flipping snowing. I HAVE to rely on God.

So I am. Love Bea

Friday, April 2, 2010


This post is of no great consequence but I just had to say something to somebody.

I have a friend who had gastric bypass surgery almost two years ago. I have talked to her off and on during that time. Of course I always ask how much weight she is losing. She will not tell me. Says it is none of my business. True enough. Well yesterday she told me.

She has lost 207 pounds. She weighs 122 pounds. She is 53 years old.

Just think about that for a minute. Two hundred and seven pounds. She has lost more than I weigh and I am fat. In less than two years she has done this. How is this possible? I was and still am stunned. How can you be 53 and weigh 122 pounds? She weighs less than her daughter.

I asked how she felt about losing all of that weight. "Fine" she said. I said she must feel like a new woman, and younger. "No" she said. What is it like to go through the world in such a radically smaller body I asked? "My knees don't hurt." Surely you must be having some sort of emotional reaction to it all I said. "Not really" she said. Well I ask you, is this possible?

Yes I am jealous. We might as well get that said right up front. I am also so happy for her I can hardly convey it. I love her and she was trapped by her weight and it was killing her. She has now been given and accepted a new lease on life. So why isn't she acting like a condemned woman who has been pardoned? I sure would be. I would be shaking my skinny booty all over town. I have some theories about this.

Remember Star Jones and how weird she acted after she lost all her weight? Like she was standing naked and vulnerable before the world and the only way she could protect herself was by downplaying the weight loss. Maybe this is what is happening to my friend. Maybe it is all still too new and she hasn't yet figured out how to be thin. Or maybe she is still the same person who has never dealt with her emotions. Or maybe (and this is painful to admit) she knows how jealous I am and fears I can't be supportive. What ever it is, it was like running into a brick wall, and it hurt.

I guess the post had more consequence that I first thought.

Happy Easter to all of you. Up from the grave He arose!

Love Bea