Good grief, fifteen replies and only two people who read what I wrote. Ain't the Internet wonderful.
I am learning about self will power. I have been very muddled about this attribute. Mainly muddled because I believed I did not possess it. Or at least I did not possess it as a positive force. I believed I was willful. As in, "I will do what I want to do when I want to do it." That drive I have in spades. I thought of will power as a gift of God given to Saints and thin women. Obviously I was not gifted. I have changed my mind, for good.
I have free will. I can do what I want when I want to to it. I have choice. I can choose for good or bad. But...I have to do battle to choose for good. Doing bad is hardly choice at all. I have to fight for positive outcome will power. Most of my skirmishes are with me. I am truly at odds with myself. The enemy within? Not necessarily. Does one war upon a youngster? No, it just feels like it. Try saying no to a teenager who wants something you the adult deem harmful. Gad it is all out frontal assault, if it is not sniper fire or sabotage. I have not been willing to suffer battle fatigue so as to outgun my unruly childish/sinful self. No more. I can't win if I do not fight.
Why was I never willing to engage the enemy? Because I thought I'd lose. Train a child to be a victim and unless Grace intervenes you will always have a loser. Even if the person she is losing to is herself.
Grace has intervened for me. I am doing battle. New learning, I am not alone in my fight. If I am willing to set out sword raised, God comes to my aid. Grace, I get Grace. Who knew? Not me. I have never been willing to arrive at the battle line let alone contemplate engaging in the fight. Guess where I found my weapon of choice . In my mouth. "NO," is a sharp two edged sword.
This morning was tough for me. A family member is ill and I am bearing the brunt of the problem. It was snowing. The cat threw up in the unmade bed. We have a prowler. You know, life. The way I cope with life is to overeat. But, I vowed to God to give up sugar for Lent and my learning. I stood in front of the frigde contemplating its frugal contents. (It's Lent) Could I binge on apples? I was going in for the kill applewise when my still small voice said, "no." In the blink of an eye I thought, "you are not going to be able to fight this urge," and the phone rang. A friend said, "Stop what you are doing I'm coming over." I stopped. Grace.
I am finally willing to fight for myself by fighting with myself. Go figure.
Take care. Love Bea
