Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Second Abstinence

This is a hard blog to write. I am going to quit blogging for a while. I will still be reading.

I love to blog but I think instead of relieving my food problem/depression it is actually making it worse. I get on here and reveal stuff I wish I had kept to myself. Then I feel bad. Then I eat. Some of the stuff I am spilling out here I need to hold inside and examine before letting it go public. I am tired of writing about my wretched condition. Seeing the words in print just seems to reinforce my sorry state.

I have also been relapsing big time. I have gained 20 pounds. It depresses me to go online and read everyone else's ongoing success stories when I feel so unsuccessful. I guess misery needs company.

I hit bottom with a thud on Saturday. I have been sugar abstinent since Monday. I will start flour abstinence next Monday. I want to be abstinent. No whining about the loss of the pleasure of sweets. No anger at not being able to eat like other people. No resentment about the prep time it takes to eat abstinently. Just relief that there is help for me and I know how to implement it.

I need an on the ground support system. I have gone it mostly alone up to now because that is part of the disease process, and there is no addictive eating anything in the wilds of Wyoming. I am researching my options for help.

Thank you all for YOUR support over the past couple of years. It has meant the world to me. See you in the new year.

Take care. Love Lynn


Annimal said...

If it helps at all--you, have helped ME immensely. Your raw courage to bear your soul and humanness in a forum for all to read, judge, and comment.
You've helped me to be a better writer, to see that other people feel often as I do, and funny, I don't judge you nearly as hard as I judge myself.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm not so bad after all.
For me it's easy to write about successes and come across as 99.9% perfect. What I don't write is the days where I am consumed by food, doubt, anger.
You have the ability to write about those days and I applaud you for that.
I admire you for that.
Do what you need to do to get healthy.
I'll be here when you get back and I'll miss you terribly in the meantime.
and seriously--anytime you can get to Billings or Red Lodge, lunch is on ME!

LG said...

What success? Your 20 pounds is MY 20 pounds.

You always have helped me. You're such a fantastic writer. No one is ever perfect (and I almost misspelled that, by the way).

Everything that Annimal said, I agree with 100%.

But I understand you wanting to quit for a while. I think my own self is pretty damn boring and I'm not very successful with weight and/or exercise myself at this moment in time. If you think it will help you, please take care of yourself. But check in with us because I'll miss you.

Anonymous said...

I understand completely and support you in doing whatever you feel you need. Sometimes blogging is a joy and a way to let stuff out, and other times it just makes us vulnerable and consumed by looking at the things that bring us down.

Know that I like, respect, and enjoy you exactly where you are right now, and will keep you in my prayers as we go into the new year. Be good to you, 'kay?

Resolute said...

I can relate Bea. I can understand your need for privacy so that you can bond exclusively with YOU! Even though it may not feel that way, it usually takes desperate feelings like these to get yourself focussed. My best wishes to you, will pray for you. Remember you deserve to be loved by yourself and sometimes it has to come from desperate moments like these to take charge, to make peace and to "truck on" regardless. It goes without saying that you are much loved by everyone that has had the privilege to read your blog.