Christmas "Crap"

I said that the other week. In loud ringing tones I said, "I can't wait until all this Christmas crap is over." I meant it. In spades. Turns out I am one of the people who gets depressed at Christmas. Not just a little blue but full out clinically depressed. Who knew? Not me.

I thought I was a person who was irritated by, but basically enjoyed the Holiday Season. Took a bout of immobility and my husband's fear to open my eyes. I have been going down hill for a while now. After Socks died I felt better. Why you ask? I had a reason to cry. But you can't sit around on your duff crying all the time and get any work done. So I got up to get back to work. Only I couldn't. You all know this condition so I won't describe it. Seven days ago I finally got up.

Husband and I were having a cold breakfast. I couldn't dredge up enough oomph to do more than put cold cereal and milk on the table. Mark said something, I don't remember what, and I lashed out at him. He, bless him, just sighed and said, "You get like this every Christmas. I wish I would get used to it." Shocked the jingle bells right out of me. "What do you mean 'Every Christmas'" I inquired in dulcet tones. "Every Christmas you get more depressed" he said. "Every Christmas?" "Yup, every Christmas for twenty years." "And what do you mean by 'more?'"

I got out my journals. Yup, every Christmas for twenty years. I apparently hate Christmas. I thought I was just stressed getting it all done. Turns out it goes much deeper than that. The journals outline the slow gentle spiral downward to my present condition, with a sharp decline noted each Christmas. In a nutshell this is what I am learning.
1. Striving for the "perfect" Christmas kills my spirit.
2. No family/friends close to hand kills.
3. Regret kills.
4. Spending money on crap kills.
5. The food fest kills.
6. Guilt kills.
7. Envy kills.
8. Not having a Christmas sweater that fits kills.
9. Fear kills.
10. Denial kills.
I am dubbing my current contingent of major depressive symptoms the Holiday Panic Flu.

I feel some better. Just knowing I am sick has helped. I have stopped scourging myself for not "doing" Christmas "right" and have begun to drink hot nourishing drinks and take healthy naps. I also take tears as needed.

Mark took the past week off to take care for me. That scared and helped me. I hadn't taken to a corner with a blanket over my head like my mother but I was close. I have had to fight off depression all my life and have been fairly successful, but since we moved up here I seem to be losing the battle. I am no longer able to hide my "shameful, weak, irresponsible" condition as well. At this Season of Cheer people are beginning to suspect. (smile)

I have resisted learning about depression. I research everything else like a fiend but know next to nothing about depression. I bought a book. If my pride will allow it I will read the darn thing. Yes I know, I probably need medication. But not yet. Maybe I can cure myself. Fat chance. Ho Ho Ha Ha. You get it.

Thanks for listening. Stop trying to be Martha Stewart and appreciate your blessings. Merry Christmas. Love Lynn

Mouse Hunt

This is going to be short as I am supposed to be up here ordering a shirt from Cabella's for Mark.

I miss Socks something fierce. We have a mouse. It must have moved in the day after she died. It is in the kitchen wall behind the stove. I HATE MICE. I grew up with them in our hundred year old house and I can't stand the filthy little beasts. Socks loved mice. We never had one in the eleven years she was with us. Whomper Dinky could care less about them. I put her in front of the stove to at least put the fear of God in the mouse, and she will listen for a minute and then walk off. I am going to have to trap it. Of course I have no traps. It is the first of the month so we are flush again for awhile and the first thing on my shopping list is traps. I hope I can find some of those cardboard live traps. I don't like the old fashioned snap ones. But, if that is all I can find in our hardware store that is what I am buying.

Beautiful weather here. Cold as snot, but beautiful. We went for a hike Thanksgiving day. Was wonderful. The snow was getting pretty deep so we stopped after a couple of miles and just admired the view. We hiked up and down a canyon with a stream beside us. Thank God for my hiking stick. I slipped on the path and it was the only thing that saved me from sliding straight down hill into the water. I think of my self as a sedentary coward. I wonder why?

Okay back to ordering Christmas presents. Thank you all for your condolence messages and stories about the deaths of your own pets. I needed them. It is comforting to know other people know how bad I feel.

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. Now comes the mad race to Christmas. Happy running.

Love Lynn