In our little community church I am a rock star. I was the second keynote speaker at our women's retreat. In the morning I talked about the Western Christian tradition of meditation. In the afternoon I led two guided meditations. I was a hit. Only it wasn't me. Yes I studied for two weeks. Yes this is a subject about which I am very knowledgeable. Yes I have some little ability as a public speaker. But...when I got up to speak nothing came out like I had planned it. I don't even remember half of what I said. I opened my mouth and out it flowed. I think I gave a sermon. People laughed and then they cried. It was amazing, for all of us.
I have been asking God to use me. I never expected He would latch onto my gift of gab. Yes, I am a talker. Always have been. I have thought of it as a curse. Like my fat. The plump woman who could not keep her mouth shut. Believe me when I tell you I say some of the dumbest things known to woman kind. And people listen to and believe me. They always have. I have frequently felt like a big ole fakey manipulator. I know I can be persuasive. I thought using this gift was LYING. And sometimes it has been. I can't just leave the obvious alone. I have to jazz it up a bit. I love adjectives and adverbs. They contain the color of life. I long to present life with more pathos, gravity, excitement and humor than it actually contains. I have been told this gift was LYING. And sometimes it has been. When I talk or write I always try to have a governor on my mind/mouth. It is frustrating.
When I got up to talk something happened to me. The governor came off. I was free. Soaringly, leapingly free. All the superlatives in my mind and mouth were/are not enough to describe God. Telling people about God's love and having them listen to and believe me felt TRUE. Suddenly I was completely what God created me to be. In that moment I came to myself. In God. I was not self conscious. I was God conscious. What gracious liberty I was given. I am grateful. So grateful.
If you have been reading for a while you know what a burden my self is to me. It is too fat. It is too timid. It is too arrogant. It is too undisciplined. It is too judgemental. It is too self depreciating (tee-hee). I have longed to be shed of it. Food for me offered/s the release. I know this is not what God has in mind when the Bible talks about "dying unto self." We are meant to love ourselves as we love others so dying unto self cannot mean abandoning my self with addictions. I think I had a taste of what it means to die unto self. My willingness to be used by God lit up my God conscious enough to fade out my self conscious. I realize I have just described what happens during meditation. Amazing.
Okay back down to earth. I am having trouble with the praise I am receiving. Five women surrounded me in a restaurant yesterday with praises. I didn't know how to respond. I know it wasn't me. God came through me. So I said that. It is all I can say.
Take care, Love Lynn