Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Update Time

As is my wont during the Holiday season I have been dragging bottom. When I drag bottom I want to isolate. Thank God I have friends who won't allow me to slink off into oblivion. I HATE their "interference" and "nosiness" but boy do I need it.

I hit 201 pounds a week ago. Scary, very scary. I feel like I can't control my eating. I know I can. My answer is the food plan outlined in Kay Sheperd's books. I am again slowly moving toward an abstinent food life. I am soooo grateful for the information I know. I hate hating myself. If I eat abstinently then I feel good. Good physically, mentally and spiritually. I am again at the surrender point. Wanting what I want when I want it only leads to destruction. To be truly full and content I need to limit my eating. And my spending and my tv watching and my other undisciplined behaviours.

Thanksgiving Day was pretty good. We went to friends' and I overate but not too bad. The real killer was last week's church Greening and Christmas party. I knew I shouldn't go. My Christmas clothes were too tight and I felt like a slob. I knew I was too vulnerable. But it was my "duty" to attend. (This condition of being "dutified" is common to Us all. I have had this condition since childhood. Since I have spent a goodly portion of my life in church the condition has played out allot in that venue. I am always at odds with myself over what I "should" do and what I want to do. Since God is involved the weight of the "shoulds" is heavy.) So I went. I had problems from the get go. I won't go into all of it but the evening came to a close with me telling off the pastor. Gad. I am an ass.

God has given me some revelations in the days since the party.

1. God does not see me as I see myself or as the culture sees me. He loves me unconditionally and desires my companionship above my service.
2. I cannot respect/love myself and be out of control.
3. I will not progress in any other area of my life until I completely embrace and address my food addictions.
4. Recovery is not selfish. It is God honoring at my highest.

1. I went back on the hormones. I slapped a patch on my butt two days ago. I hope to be sleeping more in the nights to come. I hope to soon be flashing less. I hope to pick less doctrinal fights with the pastor.

2. I increased my Vit D to 4000 units per day. I got out my sunlight lamp and put it by my chair.

3. I am resigning myself to shoveling snow for an hour per day. I am looking at it as my exercise program instead of resenting it.

4. I am working my way back to the food plan. Each day I get more of the sugar and flour out of my diet and house. I found my food scale and am using it. I am using the measuring cups.

5. I put my bathroom scale in the closet.

6. I bought some new larger size clothing.

7. I am reaching out to friends and being vulnerable.

8. I am refusing to feel guilty about not measuring up to my standards of what a Christian should be.

9. I am reading my Bible daily with an eye for revelation.

10. I am praying so as to be "with" God.

Amen and the end.

Love Lynn


Vickie said...

I smiled at your 'having' to go and then telling off the pastor. There is funny in that.

In fact I smiled at much of what you wrote. Because it is familiar to me (in relating myself) and because there is humor in the truth.

Not saying you should internet surf. But it seems that perhaps it would help to write/account for yourself. Blogging is an excellent way to listen to yourself, IF one does not 'hide/avoid' their life away reading others blogs.

debby said...

Ha! I picked up on the same 'funny' that Vickie did. Oh I have been so close. Told them off (in my mind) in so many clever ways. Fortunately was able to keep myself in a different room (or town) when the 'inspiration' struck.

Your determination is inspirational.

MsTrixx said...

Peace on earth and to you too, Bea. You are moving in a positive direction and that is all that god or anyone asks or wishes. Keep on keepin'on.....it beats the alternative.

Vickie said...

Merry Christmas!

Vickie said...

Happy New Year!

Annimal said...

Good to hear from you. Happy 2011 to you.

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Vickie said...

you are over due for you monthly update!!!

since we are living in very snowy land ourselves - assuming snow shoveling, trying to keep warm, and frozen water lines are the name of the game where you are.

Cindy...154 said...

hopeing to hear more soon..

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Vickie said...

two months as of today, how are things going?

mumtotwo said...

everything ok?

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