Thursday, March 24, 2011

Snowed Under

It only snowed six inches here on Tuesday. I'm grateful. Ten miles north of us it snowed two feet!

One and a half more weeks and I will be able to type on my own computer in the warmth. I can't find my gloves and my hands are freezing. How Husband survives up here I will never know.

Well...I guess it is no surprise. I am officially obese. I have returned to surviving on carbs, guilt and Gas-X. It is hard to be real fat again. Hard. Husband wants to go on a trip for our twentieth anniversary. In a week and a half. He wants to go to a hot springs resort. God help me. The only way I can get a swimsuit in time is to take the two smaller ones I own and sew them together. I have two pairs of jeans that fit and two sweatshirts and two blouses. These I wear to church and shopping. At home I live in sweatpants and His old shirts. I wear my snow boots over the sweat pants and my too snug old coat over the shirts to shovel snow and get the mail. How on God's (somewhere) green earth am I going to go on vacation for a week???? Mark sprung this on me today at lunch. He was so happy to make me happy. And I have and will ruin his happiness, again. Man is this hard to write.

My food problem has impacted our whole married life. I bawled on our wedding day because I looked like a whale in a cream colored dress. I died of shame inside on our honeymoon when a person had to be left behind on the hot air balloon ride to make room for me. So many places we did not go and things we did not do because I was too fat. Husband was understanding, but disappointed. And now twenty years later my fat continues to limit our lives.

Or not. I am praying for fat person courage. You know the kind, you suck it up, smile and just move forward into life through the wall of judgements. I can do it. I have done it before. I'll beg or borrow a swimsuit and some more clothes. I will go and do and smile.

It is hard to lie down in this bed I made of cheesecake and peanut butter.

Bea

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Ethel,

Yes you have gained some weight back. But not ALL of it and DON'T you dare throw in the towel, by listening to the negative voice in your head telling you are a total failure. Over the last twenty years you have hiked on trails with a starting elevation of 10,000 feet, you snowmobiled 60 miles when many others didn't and quit. Enjoy an anniversary with the man who unconditionally loves you. How about trying to love yourself likewise? A gratefully enjoy him and yourself together, it is a very unique and special gift to have.
Love you, Bea

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