I did not want another cat. The darn little thing just scratched me, again. My face this time. My lip is bleeding and swelling up. Phooey. She is afraid of everything. So is new dog. He is so stressed out about the new cat he chewed a corner off the baseboard. I just stood and cried when I found it. I have company coming for dinner on Friday and wanted the house to look nice. It smells of cat and dog pee and now a prominent baseboard corner is gone. These animals are overwhelming me.
Their fear has made me think about my own fears, and God. How many times has God attempted to help me and make my life better and I have misunderstood His intentions and reacted from fear? Countless I am guessing. These animals have no faith in me. They do not trust me so they react in self protective ways when I try to help them. Just like me. I did not learn to trust as a child and I continue to always respond to new situations and people in a self protective mode. I act like this in spite of a strong belief in God and His love. And there's the rub. I suddenly perceive a difference between belief and faith. Belief comes from my intellect. Trust comes from my heart. And my heart is still damaged. I long and look for a time when I will react from pure trust. Until then I will continue to walk out my belief in sometime fear. I hope when in future I scratch some innocent person they and I will recognize fear at work and make allowances.
Counseling is expensive. Our insurance may cover it after the deductible is met. It is December and our money is ALL spoken for this month. We have a high deductible. I do not want to put more money on the credit card. I am torn. What is more sensible, what is more faithful? Beats me. So I wait.
Take care. Love Lynn