First things first. This town is a scream. A friend referred to it as a "Northern Exposure" type town. Exactamundo. Mark saw an old guy in court yesterday about a fist fight at the Senior Center. The ring leader pleaded guilty, proudly. The Judge fined him, gave him a lecture about dignity, and then asked if he had a comment. Rambo senior grinned and allowed the fight was "stupid" but the "old SOB had it coming." I forgot to say the courtroom was packed with Senior Center attendees. Rambo got a standing ovation. This not being a usual occurrence in Circuit Court the Judge did not have his gavel to hand. He had to shout and bang his water glass to restore order. He of course sloshed water over everything at the Bench. A good time was had by all. I never did hear what started the fight.
The first time one of my aunts told me I was "nervous just like your mother" I almost slapped her. I knew this was not a compliment. My poor mother was "just a little over anxious at times" according to my aunts. As near as I can piece together she was schizophrenic. She was institutionalized for much of my childhood. You can see how the appellation "nervous" would rankle. But I am indeed nervous just like my mother. I am not nuts although it has been has been a close thing in times past. My high anxiety level has been the seat of a good many of my troubles. Obesity being the most noticeable.
I eat to calm myself. Hands up all those who can testify. Amen Jesus. Is the anxiety biological or psychological? Was I born with it or did I learn it? I have investigated this for years and frankly Scarlett I just don't give a damn anymore. After years of therapy and numerous meds and diets I am still anxious, and fat. I don't care what is causing it, I just want it to stop.
But it is not going to. It is me. I am indeed nervous just like my mother. Did I also mention she wrote poetry, painted, sang and was the valedictorian of her high school class. I am not broken, or malfunctioning or incapable, I am just very sensitive. I want armor to face the noisy, smelly, dangerous world. Food, drink, drugs and sex are initial good shields but have lousy consequences. The "Full Armor of God" comes to mind, but I have yet figured out how to put and keep it on. So what is my answer, do I hole-up in the house hating my isolation but afraid of being overwhelmed by public life?
No. I have courage. I keep forgetting about it. I need to rely on God's strength in my courage. I also need to rename anxiety. I will call it excitement. I need to admit my fears and hang the judgement. I am nervous just like my mother. Idiot aunts. I need to take "Baby Steps" until I come into full stride. I need to lighten up. I need to give my gifts, like my mother I am well blessed. I need to love others as myself.
I need to go back to the Senior Center and check on the yoga class. There might not be a fist fight going on this time.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea