Wednesday, March 12, 2008

BREAKTHROUGH

Thank you all for your comments. I laughed and cried over them. Who knew there were so many ungrateful fat lazy slobs out there? I feel honored to be in such august company.

I have been repeating my new UFLS mantra many times per day. Each time I begin to almost unconsciously beat myself up, I switch to the conscious UFLS version. I stop, let the self loathing wash over me and then say out loud, "Yes indeed you didn't get the taxes done today because you watched too much t.v. and you are an UFLS who does not deserve to live." It makes me laugh each and every time. It is so absurd.

I had not realized how often I castigate my self. With almost every action my reaction is to criticize myself. Ain't that awful? No wonder I feel like crap most of the time. This morning I was getting ready to take Dog-dog for a walk when my tummy caught my attention. The familiar felling of self hatred started at the sight of my bulging belly. I stopped, looked at my stomach and said, "You eat like a pig and you are an UFLS and I am just going to stand here and hate you." Mark asked what I was doing so I told him. He said, "Well just so long as you still have time to walk the dog I guess it's okay." I am still laughing.

I used to have panic attacks. I did everything to stop them with no success. One late night I finally decided, "OK, I can't fight the fear anymore, I am just going to stand here and let it kill me. " I then stood still and waited to die. After fifteen minutes I wasn't dead so I went back to bed and went to sleep. It was the beginning of the end for the panic attacks. UFLS must be part of that same whole.

It must be the conscious intent. In consciously looking at my self hatred I am defanging (is this a word?) it. I see it as irrational and...absurd. I feel like I may have been given the key to my prison. What would it be like to be in the world without self hatred? What sweet relief for starters. I can't yet even begin to understand the enormity of what this might mean.

As for the empty space. I can't sit with it. Drives me bats. I will have to go at this in small bursts. I tried to sit unoccupied for ten minutes last eve. I was ravenous before the time was up. I need to learn to meditate. I would love to have a quiet soul...without a cheesecake first.

I am reading,"Change Your Mind, Change Your Body" by Ann Kearney-Cooke. I found it at a second hand book store. Was published in 2004. A nifty little book.

Ethel's this is a big darn deal for me. I hope it also helps some of you. Love Bea

5 comments:

Nory Roth said...

I LOVED your comment about panic attacks!! Truly, what does not kill us makes us stronger. Your insight into that one area seems to make sense for other areas too! Oh to live in my own head without the incriminating voice of self loathing.....

ar said...

UFLS ... I love it. It is really helping me Bea. And I am laughing too, you can't imagine. What an enormous relief! Wow! Think you have some material for a book here don't you? How can one fear an abyss if you jump in it?

Cindy164 said...

I want one of those cards. On mine I will need to add "with deviant work habits, and poor interpersonal skills" Long story
thanks, getting caught up on your posts has been very uplifting!!!

Anonymous said...

Yay! It's working for you! So glad.

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