Monday, March 10, 2008

It's Me Again Ethels

I am feeling empty. I am reading a book that tells me I should learn to live with this feeling. I should in fact seek out this feeling and "be" with it. Not run from it with activity or fill it up with food. Apparently learning to tolerate the empty space is the road to wisdom. No I am not Buddhist.

I fear the empty space because of the self loathing that rushes in on its coattails. I am instructed to learn to tolerate that feeling also. Tolerate self loathing? Very foreign thinking. I am usually instructed to chase self love. I am further instructed to verbalize the emptiness and self loathing. Whoa Nellie, this is a long way from affirmations. Mayn't I just dig the groove of self hate deeper?

Okay here goes, "I am an ungrateful fat lazy slob who is intermittently depressed and leads a pointless existence and is a drag on all those around me. I am selfish and take but do not give." I am instructed to repeat this as many times as needed?!!! As needed for what? Suicide?

I am going to give this a whirl. If I don't blog again for awhile break out the black dresses.

Love, from the ungrateful fat lazy slob who is intermittently depressed and leads a pointless existence and is a drag on all those around me. I will print it up on cards.


Annimal said...

Ungrateful, fat and lazy, slob
depressed obviously pointless existence.
Unfls Dope
Can I join the club?
WE can "be" with this feeling, intermittently, as needed.

Nory Roth said...

I am thinking about this.....feel a blog entry coming on....existential musings...hmmmm. Very thought provoking. I like the concept of "being" with feelings.

ar said...

I'm the same with empty space. When it stares me in the face, that is the time when I embrace the negatives in me with a PASSION, and YES they rush in with a vengeance. I think it takes up much more space to loathe than to love myself. Think I can join the club as an UNGRATEFUL, FAT and LAZY, SLOB, sometimes depressed with a very pointless existence and too scared and lacking in trust of people to be around them. On top of it I am judgmental and my self-loathing is no doubt reflected in my irritation with others. Me obviously being the greatest idiot of them all. I just never GET it! Millions of books, all the experts in the world. I think I can relate. :>)

Lori said...

I feel like this too and so we're all members of the same club. I would like to point that I don't regard you as lazy after reading all that you did to move into your house. I don't think you live a pointless existence -- Mark would miss you terribly -- you've taken a neighbor girl under your wing to help out a dog and you're kind and generous (you gave away a lot of your things). As for a drag -- I always enjoy reading what you have to say, even if you're having a bad day. I just don't comment all the time because I am a lazy, fat, slob with a big empty hole that says, "Feed me."

ar said...

Ditto all Lori's comments about the positive attributes. Along the lines of for every positive there is an equalling offsetting negative AND the other way round :>) I have been thinking about this posting all day long. Thought provoking and parked in a special place in the back of my mind. Positively! I don't know why but it felt as though there had been something very good about it, like coming out ... sorry, this must sound very weird, but it did something very good for me. Thanks Bea.

Annimal said...

I agree with AR (well said), while your post should have been depressing, it was somehow inspiring and hopeful to me. Does that make sense?
The way you write-just the bare truth, without enjoying the flagellation,always touches me.

Anne M. said...

Dear Ethel - your wonderful friend Beula is a wise woman with great insight and a delightful ability to see herself and the world around her.

"Being with your feelings" is a good thing to do as long as it doesn't swamp you.

And inquiring minds want to know - what book are you reading?

Anonymous said...

The idea behind this strategy is that the person repeating the self-loathing messages will realize how silly they are and stop fearing them.

I don't think this strategy is a good idea for everyone--some people find the litany reinforces itself and makes the feelings stronger.

A different take on this is to identify the feelings and then have a dialogue with them, rather than repeating them ritualistically.

Anonymous said...

A blog on 'normal eating' from the author of The Rules of "Normal" Eating, Karen Koenig.
Her latest blog.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, this is the most recent blog I wanted to share title Acknowledging Feelings.

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