It is snowing.
What the heck does a father actually do? I am at a loss in trying to write this post. I know enough about mothers to choke a horse, but I don't know anything about fathers. I expected to open up this can of worms and find, well, worms. Instead I find nothing. I am searching my mind and emotions about fatherhood and am coming up with a blank.
Until I was sixteen I thought my mother's ex-husband was my father. On my sixteenth birthday one of my aunts told me The Truth. It seems my mother had "taken up" with a man several years after she was divorced, and I was the result. My aunt even told me the man's name. I thought she was lying or had got her facts mixed. Nope. Turns out she was right.
A few weeks after I learned The Truth my adopted mother took me to visit this man. We arrived at his run down ranch unannounced. (Bad plan) We stood beside the car as she introduced herself and me. He backed up and started saying that she couldn't prove anything and that his father had paid Mom off a long time ago. Adopted mother told him we didn't want anything but that he might like to know about his daughter. He didn't. We drove off and I never saw him again. The same aunt who told me The Truth later sent me his obituary. Turns out he was wealthy and died without heirs. She encouraged me to try to go after his money even if I didn't have any proof of paternity. I was in my early twenties and could have cared less. But I did have the proof. I still have it.
A few days after my mother died I was in the house alone and was going through some of her stuff. I was twelve. I found the package that contained the letter from his father's lawyer saying that if Mom would deny paternity he (father) would pay for my birth and some sort of operation I needed. Mom's reply was also in there. It could beak a heart of stone. She says how cute I am and that she doesn't want money or marriage, just his name on the birth certificate..............My original birth certificate says "Unknown" after father's name.
The men in the foster home and relatives' homes were abusive or non-entities. My adoptive mother was widowed when she adopted me. I got not a clue about fathers.
I keep trying to find a father in God but this has proved to be heavy sledding. It is hard to translate "Our Father in Heaven" into something more...mortal, I guess. But I persevere.
So back to the beginning. What do fathers do? This inquiring mind really would like to know.
Take care of yourselves. Happy Father's Day. Love Bea