Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Home Again

Thank God.

All is not well with our friend. He came through the ten hour, six by-pass surgery fairly well and went home to recover. He was readmitted last eve with a raging septic infection. The hospital is seven hours over a mountain range from here. Mark can't go this time so it looks like I am on my own. And I am dog tired.

We got home late last Sat night. Sunday morning we got up and went to the early service at church. Then we went to lunch with friends, and then we came home and crashed. I did laundry and cleaned house like a woman possessed on Monday. Mark's mother and sister arrived for their previously scheduled visit on Tuesday. I had not had time to purchase groc or cook so we ate out allot. We had multitudinous in depth conversations about Mark's mixed up family life. Very wearing. We also shopped and hiked and watched fireworks. They left Saturday morning. I washed bedding and towels on Saturday and tried to stuff the rollaway and blow up beds back into the attic. We went to church early on Sunday and then over to friends so Mark could get a much needed haircut. Then we went home and crashed. Monday I did more laundry and paid bills. Tuesday I mowed at the lawn. Today I haven't done a damn thing and it is already ten thirty. I guess I did get the towels washed and hung on the line. And make breakfast and clean the cat boxes and pick up dog poop.

What I want to do is sit down and cry. Anybody with me? I am feeling very sorry for myself. I am tired, we are broke and we have used up a bunch of Mark's valuable time off. And now I may have to leave again. Poop.

I recently heard a sermon about "Life's Interruptions' and how to cope with them. Praying for strength and mercy "just for today" was the answer. This I am doing. I also am praying for anger relief as I am damn mad about the interruptions. Very embarrassing. I feel like a creep for wanting to stay home and get my own life on track before I go help someone else. Crab grass and dust and late bills are nothing compared to friendship and family. In my heart of hearts I know this. And I am still pissed off.

Pray for me as I will for thee. I hope you all are doing well. Love Bea.


Cindy154 said...

OK here is where you and me are so alike, but reading you made me realize it about me. You said "Today I haven't done a damn thing and it is already ten thirty. I guess I did get the towels washed and hung on the line. And make breakfast and clean the cat boxes and pick up dog poop." In reality, you had done quite a bit of stuff - but you felt like you had done nothing. I'd be exhausted if I were you. When I read you saying you had not done a damn thing I thought "great, she needs a day of doing nothing" I hope you get to do nothing for at least part of a day. Rest is important. And crying helps me rest. I am with you on that. Crying is not necessarily feeling sorry for yourself, but rather comforting yourself or allowing God to comfort you. Liquid prayer. Oh, NSV = non scale victory. I just did not want to write it over and over in my post.

Nory Roth said...

Oh honey! I feel so sorry for you and all of the emotional angst you have been going through for the past several weeks. Sometimes it feels like it's not just raining, you're being water-boarded! I am currently reading a book by Pima Chodron called When Things Fall Apart. It talks about how to remain at peace on a spiritual level despite whatever is happening around you. Sending my thoughts and prayers your way and for your friend as well.

Annimal said...

OK, here's a big shoulder. Now, realize that your friend needed you and the dust bunnies can wait. It's time to start trying out that big ole "no" coming out of your mouth and settle down to the essentials of life. First and foremost, please try an act of kindness and forgive yourself of self-imposed unworthiness.
Now, put the rest into perspective, get the rest you need and love yourself.

Vickie said...

I hear you say that you HAVE friends that call you in an emergency. Is this because you are a nurse - call Lynn - she'll take care of it?

I used to go through this (much smaller scale) with sewing. Old quilt problem? Call Vickie - she'll take care of it. As I realized that this would take up my life if I let it - I got/had a phone number ready and would refer them to a person that fixed problems for a fee.

Effective. It is not saying NO - it is saying "this person will help you."

You do not even have to have a number - you can list agencies or sources.

I think you will be more comfortable 'brainstorming' with them than saying too bad, soo sad - can't help.

AND Would you call them (these same friends) in an emergency?

That is a very telling question - because would you expect them to drop everything and come stay with you? Because if you would - and they would reciprocate - then you are just tired and worn out and need to give yourself a chance to rest up.

But if you would not call them - or they would not come - then it might be your "nurse" self - thinking it is your JOB.

I have to say - that I have no one that would call me for anything - at this point in my life (other than immediate family). And I don't know whether this is good or bad - but it feels good most of the time.

I am VERY removed from everyone but my family.

And the flip side - Nor do I have anyone that I call - except those that live at my house or my mother's - to come help me.

I had surgery myself in March - and NO one knew - except one yoga instructor that I knew would worry/wonder where I was (I never miss class) and I wasn't asking her for anything.

The only people that I interact with are people in class - that don't even know my last name or phone number. . . and after class I take care of myself.

Annimal said...

Vickie, your comment took guts and you said what I thought, but couldn't write. I would really like to hear Lynn's answer as my first thought was that if caring for this friend was anything other than an obligation then the loss of vacation, housework, drive wouldn't have been the focus of the post.
My husband and children are the ONLY people I would drop everything for and run. Everyone else gets prayers for competent hospital staff and a speedy recovery.

Nory Roth said...

I also heartily agree with Vickie. I love when someone else can write what I think, and in such a concise way. Good questions to ask yourself, and good questions to ask myself in the future! Thank you.

I would also like to hear what you think about this!

L.G. said...

You have done a lot of stuff and on a empty gas tank so to speak. (Not enough sleep, not enough restfulness, private time, etc.)

I agree with everyone who said that what Vickie wrote took guts. It's something for you to consider but I also suspect you are a very kindhearted person. Sometimes we get into a trap being so kind and wanting to do for others what we secretly want for ourselves (in this case, someone to take care of you).

I hope you get some rest. As for the crying, sometimes that makes me feel better or at least move on to the next thing I should be doing.

Remember, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Love you!