This post is courtesy of Vickie, Nory, Cindy and Frances. All these folks' recent blogs added to a big burst of insight for me.
I am self abusive. No I don't cut my self or pull out my eyebrows but I abuse my self all the same. My abuse is to my soul. This then translates into abuse (ignoring needs) of my physical self. I abuse my soul by hating it.
I consider my soul to be my mind, my will and my emotions. The following are the ways I go about hating my soul.
I can't stand the way I think. I perseverate on things. Round and round they run in my head. Why did I do this? Why did I say that? Why didn't I do or say this or that? Why am I compulsive? Why am I guilt ridden? I jump to conclusions and am impulsive. I think about me way, way to much. I am fearful and depressive. I am a black and white thinker. I analyze everything.
I don't respect my willpower. My almost super human ability to get things done and my inability to get any thing done. I can't control what or how I eat. I overvalue will power.
I am frequently attacked by my emotions. They blind side me with a club. I feel my way through life. Most of my actions are based on how I feel. And yet I try to avoid feeling because it is so painful. I am drug from pillar to post by my emotions. I do not believe I can control my emotions. I can shut off my emotions.
All of the above result in physical abuse of my poor body that is just trying the best way it knows how to cope with the struggles in my soul.
And...I have seen a light at the end of the tunnel. "Grace for today." Not for tomorrow or next week, just God given Grace for today. How many thousands of times have I heard this preached in my life? God only knows. I live mostly in the future with my To Do and To Worry About lists. Frequently I blanch and buckle under the weight of both lists.
Insight, insight. I am given Grace (strength, wisdom, humor, determination, peace) only for the current twenty four hours. No wonder I am overwhelmed and hate my self. I am living my life out in front of God's blessings. That means folks I am missing the blessings, and to quote Mentor Mary, "I am continually borrowing trouble."
When I live only one day at a time I feel peaceful, centered and happy. This peace stays with me even if the day turns sour . This is how God intended us to live. And (Giant Insight) if my soul is at peace I DON'T ABUSE MY PHYSICAL SELF.
So, what is the upshot of all that learning? I crave the peaceful feeling more than I crave cheesecake. And that's a bunch. I have begun asking for Grace for only this day and then I focus on today. I am also becoming alert for God's blessings in my life. When I get overwhelmed all I see is trouble and I miss my blessings. I am making my To Do list short. Three things that I can get done today. I am trying to think about what I am thinking about. If a thought cycles through my brain more than a couple to times I try to write it down so I can look at it and see if it is even rationale. You'd be surprised how many of my recurring thoughts are not. (Maybe you wouldn't) I am trying to run my feelings to ground and name them. Then I try to figure out where they originated. I am doing one thing at once. I focus on what I am doing. I let myself not think ahead. Most importantly, in the early morning I pray for God to direct my steps for the day and then trust that whatever happens (or doesn't happen) during the day is in the will of God.
God help me to understand that I am not in control, and never was.
Take care. Love Bea