Thursday, September 25, 2008

Safe in Yellowstone

We are leaving for a couple of days in the Park. I found a cabin with a kitchen and a view. It is in our price range. I am determined not to make a huge production out of this trip. If I don't get some things done before we leave and if I forget some things, SO BE IT. I want to be relaxed not crazy in the time leading up to our vacationette. I am only vaguely planning this trip. I was going to drag along all the food for my food plan. Changed my mind. I will eat as best as possible and that will be good enough. I am really looking forward to being in Yellowstone. I always feel very safe in there.

Comes the second half of this post. I eat to feel safe. No big surprise, right? Was to me. I eat to feel, not emotionally safe, but physically safe. When I am eating I do not feel physically vulnerable. I suppose I have a long term case of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. In WWI they called it "Shell Shock" and in WWII "Battle Fatigue." All three titles feel applicable. A veteran and I compared symptoms. In his words, "You got 'em all sister." Difference between us is that he is got help for this specific problem and I never did. ...Anyhoo, when I am eating I feel protected.

(Damn, my hands are so cold I had to put on my gloves. Dog spent until noon yesterday licking the frozen water in her outside dish.)

Do you think part of maturation is coming to terms with our physical vulnerability? As in being aware that we are never really physically safe? Having been a nurse I think I am fairly comfortable with accidents, sickness, aging...and death from the afore mentioned. What I can't get a handle on is violence. I remain petrified of being attacked. Mark calls me Wild Bill Beula because in restaurants and else where I always want to sit with my back to the wall. I tell him it is so my hips won't show (and this is also true). What the heck am I afraid of? That some crazed waitress or church usher is going to cold cock me? I am always aware of the potential physical danger in every situation. Is this just prudent caution acquired over years of being alive, or am nuts?

On a lighter note. I have had a massage and two sessions of yoga. The massage was wondrous as usual. Patty (I am having trouble remembering what I called her last time) talked to me about spinning energy into my chakras. She said many of them were frozen and energy was not moving through my chakra system. She had me visualize my chakra system and then visualize movement at each individual chakra. Was very enlightening. Lo and behold, when I envisioned movement between my shoulder blades the pain in my neck went away. I want to form a habit of visualizing my chakra system and movement at each chakra at night before I go to sleep. I keep forgetting.

Yoga Fran said I would get more fluid as time goes on. Right now I crack and pot just bending over to put my mat on the floor. The best exercise so far is something she calls "angel wings." This exercise has alleviated the pain between my shoulders. It is also the only one I can half way do. I love yoga. The breathing is all. Amazing how much further I can stretch when I breathe out and "creep forward by millimeters." Yoga Fran is sweet, encouraging and at 60 plus, graceful as a gazelle. She is also very tall and has recently lost 30 pounds. She has more to go. This yoga is for every body.

I had a bunch to say today. Oh yeah, I am enjoying my meals again. I love brown rice with buttermilk and cinnamon for breakfast. And papayas.

Take care of yourselves. I am working toward taking care of me. Love Bea.


Vickie said...

have a fabulous, relaxing time. yoga is empowerment.
it is cold there already???

LG said...

Have a great time in Yellowstone.

Have you considered getting gloves with the fingertips cut off?

I don't think you're nuts for wanting to be in a safe place out in public. I think it gives you some control which you want and as far as quirks go, that's a minor one. If you spend too much time reading the news or cable, it's easy to see the world as a scary place. I also think most of us have this illusion that we are safe. I'm sitting here typing this at work and I feel like I'm safe (except for maybe my boss coming in and hurting my feelings). It's an illusion because who knows? You just may be more aware of how quickly things can go wrong. You're working on yourself and that's all you can do. So have fun!

Nory Roth said...

Ahhh, yoga....massage....meditation. Sounds like a little slice of heaven! Hope you have a wonderful trip. I cannot BELIEVE it's cold enough where you are to freeze the dog's water already!!!

Annimal said...

I do think maturation is about confronting our fears and coming to realize that we live inside our heads and true happiness is overcoming our minds. How many worries actually come to fruition? Of the few that do, how many are we actually done in by? I think we forget or underestimate our own power.
Yoga is beautiful for helping find your own power. It's about improving what you already have-your body and mind. No tricks, no equipment, No competition, No other person needed.
Have a superb time in Yellowstone. It's the most perfect time of the year. so gorgeous in color, temperate in climate and limited visitors. Yumm...

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