Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Black and White

I hate stupid shades of grey. Not having absolutes makes me depressed. Take losing weight for instance. (That last sentence was supposed to be ironic.) I want to make up my mind, plan, statement, whatever and have a stopping and a starting point. I want to draw a line in the sand and then build a concrete wall on it. I want to be sure of a thing. I hate wandering around in a land of constantly shifting barriers.

I know where the longing for absolutes comes from. I know it is common to to women of my background. And you know what? Knowing is not all it is cracked up to be. And of limited practical value.

How do y'all cope with the living in rainbow land? ("Rainbow land" is more cheerful than shades of grey I thought.) It seems I can't respect myself unless I am functioning in black and white. It seems I can't be at peace unless I am functioning in black and white. It seems as though I can't think unless it is in black and white. How do most folks live in a world of shifting sand? I am sure I don't know.

Okay, after that depressing little diatribe I will cheer up a tad and tell you how the dinner went. Dinner was fine, I was a mess. I ended up with thirteen adults and four kids. We had enough food and drink. That was good. We had enough chairs to eat dinner. That was good. Guests had fun fellowship I think. That was good. I was mad as hell the whole time. That was bad. Gad am I a putz. I wasted a nice evening with friends seething inside about being taken advantage of. Since I invited all these people I am not sure who I thought was taking advantage of me. I want to enjoy people in my home so I invite them over, and then I promptly begin to hate them. What is my deal anyway?

Good bye cruel world from your fat depressed friend, Lynn.


denise said...

I just love it when others speak up about things I don't understand about myself! I too recently invited friends over (albeit only 3 of them - but that's a lot for me as I'm no entertainer) only to find that when they were there I found them a little annoying.

For no good reason! These are all people I like, we all got along and chatted easily through the night, but I just couldn't 'get into it' for some reason and was glad when everyne left.

I just don't understand myself sometimes, that's for sure! But then if I did, I might be even more worried, 'cause I think I might be a little nuts! At least it's good to know I'm not the only one.

denise said...

And let me clarify...I didn't mean to say I'm not the only one who's nuts - I meant that I'm not the only one who's had the same situation with dinner guests...


LG said...

I know I want a party. I like the IDEA of a party and having friends over. Then I get wrapped into the perfection mode and making sure that every little ding-dong thing is just right and finally, by the time they get there, I'm sick of the entire thing and them.

Maybe the best parties are those we just do as we leave a movie, the church or anything else -- very improptu.

Annimal said...

Wow, your post hit me over the head--I do exactly the same thing. (we really need to meet)
I do love to entertain, but then like LG put it the "perfection" mode steps in and I am a mess. I make tons of food, and I am a very good cook, but I'm usually so exhausted from all the flurry that I never eat. My husband has come to recognize this and he'll bring me a plate of food. (God bless him)
Part of it is:
#1 letting others take
responsibility for their own lives. If they come to my house and don't enjoy themselves, that's THEIR fault
#2 I don't have a Home/Garden show house. I have a real house. It needs new wallpaper, new flooring, scrubbing with a fire hose, etc...yes, the day I win the lottery and can hire it done.
#3 I harbor resentment if I am not lavishly praised enough for the meal. If you are eating-you'd better be raving or here's the door.
You wore yourself out with scrubbing the house top to bottom, I will bet you agonized over the menu as to who will like what and what about food allergies, and special diets, too much salt? Too underdone?
I'm tired thinking about it and I want all your guests out of MY head! (LOL)
Thanks for being so real. Allows me to forgive myself.

Helen said...

I am not real fond of the gray in life either, but there's no getting away from living in it!! ;-)

While I love love LOVE parties and I don't actually feel angry at people who come to mine, I do get frustrated a lot of times that I don't get to spend ANY quality time with attendees because I'm always playing hostess.

Anonymous said...

I find I more get angry when they won't leave!! I mean I am tired all this effortlessness was exhausting!!!

Cindy...154 said...

I was just thinking about shades of grey only in my dating relationships with men. I want black and white, but I am learning that it is ok for things not to be absolute. I don't know anymore than that though. I have that feeling of being used at times and then realize that it was my idea to begin with -- hee hee. So I totally relate.I am glad your party went well. It is a lot of work to entertain. Thanks!!!

Nory Roth said...

A thought just popped into my head....were you actually expecting children to attend your party??? I could completely understand your rage if guests who were not invited just showed up!! When my husband and I got married, we specifically requested NO CHILDREN -- and guess what? My cousin's two year old was brought to the ceremony, and threw a screamin' freakin' hissy fit DURING our VOWS!!! Twenty five years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. Same thing goes for "adult" parties. Really, nobody thinks your child is as cute and adorable as you do -- NOBODY. And if the kids aren't invited -- DO NOT -- DO NOT -- DO NOT BRING THEM!!!

There! I feel much better now.

(And yes, I DO have two children, and would not dream of taking them many, many places. Not because they would not behave, but because there simply are places that children should NOT go with their parents!)