Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Winter, Wing, Wummer and Wall

The Markovian theory of the seasons. He says Wing has passed and we are currently into Sprinter. Golly I hope so. Has been 60 degrees here for the past two days. I took the opportunity to dig out more of the driveway. Snowed a skiff last eve and is supposed to snow off and on for the next five days. sigh No more digging for awhile.

I am very class conscious. And I hate it. I am not comfortable with folks who have been gently reared. There are several couples I would like to get to know better but I am put off by their wealth and style. I just can't relax around them. I keep expecting I will eat peas with my knife and be judged accordingly. I wish I would stop this but it seems to be bred in the bone.

I now have most of the personal accoutrement's of a middle class woman. I usually appear fairly knowledgeable and relaxed in company. It is an act. I feel less than because of my background. It is not my illegitimate birth that bugs me, or my crazy mother, nor my stint in foster homes. I am kind of proud of surviving all of that. It is the opportunities I missed that make me feel bad. All the things I don't know how to do, and all the things I do know how to do. For instance: I can put together and take apart an industrial mop and bucket with lightening speed. I should be able too, I mopped a nursing home every night for years. I lately had an opportunity to display this knowledge amidst a group of people who appeared to be astounded at my skill. I can unload mouse traps right quick too. I can unclog toilets and carry off dead cats. I can dig post holes, turn a compost pile and stick my hand inside a cow to pull on leg. I could do all of this by the time I was fifteen. But I can't f**king play bridge, read music or ski. I have never been out of the country and have never lived in a house with a dishwasher or a water softener. And I am fat.

None of this should matter. I am fifty-one years old and God has been good to me. I have so many blessings I can't count them all. And yet...I still persist in feeling bad at choir practise when I have to imitate the person beside me because I can't read the notes. I feel bad at dinner parties when everyone discusses the myriad places they have been and I realize I was working nights while they all were exploring Europe. I feel common when a friend blushes while discussing child birth and I am familiar with all the permutations of a human body. I have gone from degradation to the sublime in my years. I want to value the depth and breadth of my life as a great good fortune.

But sometimes I don't. Stoopid card parties.

Take care. Love Bea


ar said...

Bea, bridge is FUN. And it has no class barriers. It is a card game. It keeps your mind focussed and alive. You can take it serious or you can play it like I did as a student for FUN. Why not try it as I am almost convinced you will like it. Find someone willing to teach you and then search around for partners! You may be starting a new "cult" :>)

Is choir practise your thing? Reading notes can be easy, so a simple thing to be remedied by learning how to do it. Sure there must be someone that would be glad to teach you. Maybe the church organist.

I know what you mean with feeling uncomfortable around people who live showcase existences. Think I am uncomfortable too, like dressing up specially for afternoon tea. Never thought about it but I must be class conscious too. Sort of in a reverse snobbery kind of way. In my case it may be directly related to my self-esteem and perceived lack of accomplishments. For example, right now feel uncomfortable with anybody who has no eating problems, possibly because I feel "less" in that category and out of control.

Cindy154 said...

I have only been to Canada, and I drove with my daughter when she was nine. It was fun. Other than that, no traveling out of the country. Your post reminds me of when I go out to lunch, or trips and dinners with the lawyers and other paralegals with my company and they talk about what ivy league schools their kids are going to and I am just hoping for minimum rather than maximum security prison to visit. Stuff like that. I can relate to the feelings you have. I just emerged from a two day pit of feeling worthless so I'm pretty fresh on the topic of feeling less than. I need to get back to reading about those cardinal virtues, it was making me feel good. I ordered two books on the topic. I like ar's encouraging comments. You are a very interesting and amazing person. I'd love to hang out with you. Not sure about bridge, though. newer was good at cards.

L.G. said...

I only went to Canada because my uncle made a wrong turn in Detroit. I want to read a book that I had heard about -- it's about how people who grew up in predominantly blue collar homes feel like fakes around others who have had a better lifestyle. We're not the only ones, it seems.

Sometimes when I'm around "genteel" people, I fear turning into one of the Clampetts and start talking about my Uncle Bunny and how I'm related to his family two or three different ways. So I understand completely.