Thursday, May 15, 2008

Flu and the Past

I am sick as a dog. It has been a long time since I have had bronchitis. I HATE IT. My energy level was low and blammo, the bug got me. Much going on with me right now. A paradigm shift.

I had a crisis of faith as a result of reading that darn "Making Peace With Your Thighs." Much in there about child sexual abuse. I keep thinking I have resolved and been delivered from all of that and then more surfaces. Tooey. Have been having flashbacks. A face appeared I never expected to see in that context. Shocked me and put another tear in my already well rent heart. That is now six people who sexually abused me before I hit fourth grade. I hope like hell I don't remember any more.

Okay, so on to God. I choose to believe God loved and loves me. Do I feel it? Depends. After the last flashback I hated God with all my heart. I felt like I had been betrayed by the God of my understanding, again. And therein lies the rub, "Of my understanding." My whole concept of God's love is skewed from years of abuse. I am worlds better than in years past. Mark has helped with that. He has shown me what unconditional love can be. But, I am still unable to incorporate God's love into my soul because I was not shown a model of parental love as a child. I keep thinking I'll get over this and move on to my "normal life." I keep believing I will be delivered from this heavy baggage and live the lighter life God meant for me to have. Yes I notice the weight references.

The wrong building. (see last post) I have believed God would deliver me from the after effects of the abuse and I would be "clean." I would be as well adjusted as someone who had good enough parents. I would not need to waste my entire life learning to overcome. I would be healed.

My lady preacher says "let you mess become your message." I have obviously been fighting this idea. To do that seems to me to choose perpetual victim hood. I hate that. But...I have not been delivered from the after effects of a less than perfect past. So I can only surmise that God intends to somehow use all this stuff for His purpose. I will write about my past. Here.

Maybe all of you can love the dear child into wholeness. Thanks in advance.

My name is Lynn.

11 comments:

L.G. said...

I'm sorry you are sick and I hope you feel better.

I don't see you as a perpetual victim AT ALL. In fact, you're such an inspiration to other people with your strength, wit, writing and creativity.

I have not been in your shoes. My dad used to hit and yell at me when I was a little girl which is nothing AT ALL like your experiences. I don't know what you mean by clean; I just know you are loved by a lot of people and I'm sure it's hard for you to see that. I also see you incorporating a lot of God's love in your life.

**hugs and more hugs**

Cindy154 said...

Let your mess be your message. I love that. I don't think I will ever be like people that I think of as "normal" but that does not mean I cannot be valuable. I am valuable in my own way. Using our messes to help others. I'd like to forget the messes but they never completely go away. They are a part of me. I love that you wrote about this. It helps me. I think our broken-ness is our strength. It keeps us seeking and reaching. But I get tired of it all, too.

Cindy154 said...

Let your mess be your message. I love that. I don't think I will ever be like people that I think of as "normal" but that does not mean I cannot be valuable. I am valuable in my own way. Using our messes to help others. I'd like to forget the messes but they never completely go away. They are a part of me. I love that you wrote about this. It helps me. I think our broken-ness is our strength. It keeps us seeking and reaching. But I get tired of it all, too.

Cindy154 said...

When I get tired of it all I lay on the couch and watch movies with my daughter.

Helen said...

Vickie mentioned something about "normal" the other day and I think her point applies here...what is "normal"? Does it matter? I think it does matter to us, somehow, and we probably judge ourselves for that too. But "normal" is not an absolute...like so many other things, it's only what each person thinks it is. Personally, while I'd love to be what I consider "normal" size and eat what I consider to be like a "normal" person, other than that I like being different, not "normal".

While my sexual abuse as a child was clearly not as pervasive as yours was, I do understand how it is not to want to remember (and to actually not be ABLE to remember). I also know that part of taking care of myself is accepting that part of my past...not defining myself by it, but not denying it either. Talking about it as openly as is appropriate. That seems to take some of the power out of it...keeping the secret gives your abuser(s) the power to still affect your life long after the physical abuse has ended. I hate the idea of giving my abuser that power.

By the way...hello, Lynn...nice to meet you. :-)

Vickie said...

I was going to write and say that Helen talked about "what is normal" a long time ago and that it stayed with me. I think it was in a comment on my blog. It was sort of a note that said - that I kept talking about normal (wanting to be normal) and that maybe I needed to rethink that. I did rethink that. I don't think that it is possible for me to be "normal" with my background. I can only "aim" for what seems right and makes the most sense and then move that way.

daisyk said...

There's a saying in 12 Step rooms: Let us love you until you love yourself.

I, for one, am a speck of the waves that will carry you to shore. & if I can love you -- or my friends, family, dogs, the peonies, reading, broccoli in garlic sauce -- I have the raw material to love myself as well.

As do you, dear Lynn. Because you love so many people, animals & things. & because you've survived to make your life, & your self, more completely whole each day.

Hot Crystal Lite lemonade for bronchial stuff. & a book that won't make you suffer.

love to you --

Vickie said...

are you feeling better? and how did you come up with "Beula" - is it a family name? A biblical name? Interesting choice - I had never heard it before???

Anonymous said...

I think I was given the most important advice of my life from a VERY OLD lady when I was in my early twenties. I was telling her the details of my childhood. She looked me in my face and told me how much she loved me and that she was going to say something contary to all popular psychology. I will always remember she said " Don't go digging up the past, cause all you get is Dirty" . She told me to walk away from everyone involved in my abuse and Never look back. For some reason I took that to heart, now 15 yrs. later, my childhood abuse is a minor detail of my life. My children & husband, my friends, my ministry ( notice family is missing) define me, not some sick person's betrayal of a child. Lynn you are worthy and loveable, because Christ suffered on the cross for you, embrace and Rejoice, that it is today and not yesterday. I pray for you

Nory Roth said...

Dear Lynn,

Powerful post....hits close to home! Those post-traumatic flashes can hit at the strangest times and in the strangest circumstances. Sorry you are dealing with more "stuff" that has come up. I am glad you can work things out in your writing. I am also glad to be part of the community that supports you with our prayers. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

I hope you are feeling better. I will say that I have had 9 (yes nine!) colds this school term. The thing that finally turned the tide for me was a Neti Pot -- one of those sinus lavage thingies. Miracle tool! Use it all the time now, and haven't had a cold since! Might help, is minimally invasive, and very economical.

From my heart to yours,

Nory

P.S. Got the cut AND color -- just what the doctor ordered!

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