I am sick as a dog. It has been a long time since I have had bronchitis. I HATE IT. My energy level was low and blammo, the bug got me. Much going on with me right now. A paradigm shift.
I had a crisis of faith as a result of reading that darn "Making Peace With Your Thighs." Much in there about child sexual abuse. I keep thinking I have resolved and been delivered from all of that and then more surfaces. Tooey. Have been having flashbacks. A face appeared I never expected to see in that context. Shocked me and put another tear in my already well rent heart. That is now six people who sexually abused me before I hit fourth grade. I hope like hell I don't remember any more.
Okay, so on to God. I choose to believe God loved and loves me. Do I feel it? Depends. After the last flashback I hated God with all my heart. I felt like I had been betrayed by the God of my understanding, again. And therein lies the rub, "Of my understanding." My whole concept of God's love is skewed from years of abuse. I am worlds better than in years past. Mark has helped with that. He has shown me what unconditional love can be. But, I am still unable to incorporate God's love into my soul because I was not shown a model of parental love as a child. I keep thinking I'll get over this and move on to my "normal life." I keep believing I will be delivered from this heavy baggage and live the lighter life God meant for me to have. Yes I notice the weight references.
The wrong building. (see last post) I have believed God would deliver me from the after effects of the abuse and I would be "clean." I would be as well adjusted as someone who had good enough parents. I would not need to waste my entire life learning to overcome. I would be healed.
My lady preacher says "let you mess become your message." I have obviously been fighting this idea. To do that seems to me to choose perpetual victim hood. I hate that. But...I have not been delivered from the after effects of a less than perfect past. So I can only surmise that God intends to somehow use all this stuff for His purpose. I will write about my past. Here.
Maybe all of you can love the dear child into wholeness. Thanks in advance.
My name is Lynn.