Thursday, January 29, 2009

Masks, Part 1

Thanks all for the comments. Wendy, I too am enthused about Paul McKenna and agree with his methods of eating, but not yet. I think Intuitive Eating works if you are also receiving effective help with the emotions that cause overeating. Without the emotional support nothing changes and IE becomes just another failed program.

I have to write about the weather. It was 22 below on Monday and twenty four hours later it snowed another eight inches. How is that possible? We had a full week of reprieve from the snow because it never reached zero during the day and was way below during the night. Then poof, the temp went up and we got about six inches. Then down went the mercury and no snow and then back up and the afore mentioned eight inches. One of the berms beside our driveway is over ten feet tall. It blocks out the sun. Our clothes line is six or seven feet tall. When the snow touches the lines I am leaving home. The dog stepped across a five foot fence yesterday. I shoveled for three and a half hours. I wore my back brace and just went at it. We are all in survival mode here.

Speaking of emotions. Anyone watching Oprah and her fat shows? Usually her program drives me nuts, but these episodes have been very enlightening. "What is it you really want," she keeps asking the guests? What is it that food is replacing? Good questions, and very effective to a point.

In the short term I know I eat because I want to be entertained or because I am exhausted or because I am nervous. I think those are habitual patterns based on laziness and my love of quick fixes. What I really wanted yesterday after my marathon shoveling event was a hot bath and a nap, and to scream to the Heavens about the unfairness of all this damn snow. But the bathtub was dirty. I'd have had to scrub it out before bathing. And I had taken the sheets off the bed to wash them so the bed was unnappable. And snow is "so good for the farmers you know." So...I consumed a giant ham sandwich, two cups of hot chocolate and six cheese sticks. I eventually took a shower, had a fight with Mark, and put the clean sheets on the bed and went to bed at bedtime. The food met my immediate need but it sure wasn't what I really wanted....

On a grander scale I don't think the questions work as well. I looked at the big picture of my life and asked myself what I really wanted. After much soul searching I knew the answer. Not so big surprise, I found it to be unattainable. Then I had donuts. I think I am a typical fat person. For many of Us what we want most in life is unattainable and we eat to stave off this primal pain. We can't get the ungettable and we eat to shield ourselves from the irrevocable. We are unwilling to look loss squarely in the face and allow it to crush us. We refuse to mourn.

I have much more to say about this but it will take another post.

Take care of yourselves by doing and getting what you really want. Love Bea


Cindy...154 said...

Sometimes what I really want! But what does the food mean? Comfort, flavor, energy? Hmmmmmmmmm. How can I get that without food, and how can I get it, and not want some food to go with it? I am with you about the things that seem out of reach. I like this post. Wow on the snow. I love snow but I never had ten feet of it..amazing!!!!!! I think shoveling would make a person very hungry. Be careful out there - I worry you will hurt yourself. Survival mode - against the elements. Wow. I admire you. I feel like I am living the life of luxury with a few wimpy inches of snow.

Annimal said...

What I REALLY want is unattainable. I want my childhood back--a do-over. I want to have had parents that adored and cherished me and I knew I was the center of their universe. I want to have had friends to play with me at recess and call me to be silly and discuss boys. I want to have had a date in high school. I want to have been able to shop for clothes (my age) and borrow from my best friend. I want to have had a best friend.
As my children go through the growing stages I am eaten with pangs of what I never had a result of my weight. I was the unwanted, the invisible. Always picked last even though in truth I had more athletic skill than some "skinny" kids.
I examine and relive the pain with each high school basketball game and prom.
Taking my first child to college just about did me in as all the old insecurities and loneliness washed over me. I felt naked, raw. I left my husband and daughter to tour campus as I was having such stomach pain. I sat and cried.
But, I also identified the feelings and hugged myself and I told my husband some of what I was feeling and I absorbed his love. I didn't tell my daughter because she just can't understand. Hasn't been there.
So, no, I think you are right that few of us can have what we "really" want. But I think that by identifying that need we can nurture ourselves in other ways to come close to satisfying the want. To allow tears to wash away the past/hurt and hug that child AND embrace the adult who deserves just as much love.
Fight for yourself today. Do something really nice for yourself just for today.
Go clean that tub (I doubt it was that filthy) so the next time a soothing bath will comfort you, it'll be ready to run water and slide in.
umm. Just like a nice tight hug.

Vickie said...

I think that Annimal's reply was nearly as good as your original posting (which was also very good).

Wendy said...

Dear Bea,

I was touched that you recognized my response and that you responded in such a calm way. Often, when people are suffering, they tend to lash out when given unasked for advice.

Thank you for giving me a little window on your life. I do wish you the best and hope that you can find what you need to move forward in life. God knows, it's not easy.

I'm writing today from a snowy little town, about 1 1/2 hours north of Toronto, Ontario. I'll be driving home very slowly and carefully this afternoon. Yes, the snow is beautiful, but it makes our lives all the more complicated and restricted.

Be well and keep writing. I look forward to reading you soon again.


P.S. Annimal, I admire your honesty! To you too, be well.