I am struggling with priorities. I don't want to do nuthin for nobody. And I am ashamed of this.
Vickie had a great post about "Focus and Clarity" on 3-18-09 that confused the heck out of me. She then followed this up with a discussion on 3-19 about "priorities." Still no light for me. I am a master at prioritizing everything that does not have to do with emotions. I don't always adhere to my priorities, but I am in no doubt about them except when I am forced to choose between something I want and something "they" want. I do usually manage to follow my own desires by (let's get real) lying and or avoidance. Then I feel massively guilty for not wanting to help, for not helping and for being dishonest.
Why don't I want to help? Because I feel taken advantage of. Like I have a finite amount of energy and when I expend it on "you" then I have less for me. Sucked dry and spat out. This is not the loving world view I believe in. I want to want to help. I want to be compassionate. I want to love as I have been loved.
Why don't I help? I do alot of the time. But I resent it and I gripe about it. I have stuff of my own I want to get done and I can't do it if I am out and about helping "you." I feel like I never can get my own stuff done at my own pace. I need to hurry up and get it finished so that I can be available when "you" need me. I resent this and so procrastinate about tackling my projects. Then I go out to help and hate it because my own house needs cleaning and I am spending time helping you clean "yours."
Why am I dishonest? Because if I said, "Don't bug me until I want contact," I would have no relationships at all. Most people like much more contact than do I. I don't know if I have intimacy problems or I am just a loner by nature. I am happy seeing husband and pets daily, people at church once a week and most friends and relatives quarterly. I am also very serious. I read and ruminate about the meaning of life. Long conversations about inconsequentials just bore the heck out of me. I do like to lunch and gossip. I used to love to go out and dance and drink with friends on Friday nights. I like to shop. Has just dawned on me that in the past few years I have been trying to have relationships with people with whom I have little in common. The people I want to have frequent contact with are the people I s-l-o-w-l-y befriend who share my interests. These friendships are harder to come by now that I am no longer employed.
Okay that was all very enlightening. What I learned.
1. I do not want to expend gobs of my time on superficial (for me) acquaintances.
a. I am not obligated to care about everyone as deeply as they might seem to care about me.
2. I am not someones entertainment when they are bored.
a. I do not have to stop vacuuming and spend time talking to someone every time they are caught in a traffic jam with six kids in the car.
3. I need to deliberately seek out and spend time with those people with whom I think I might have have much in common.
4. I do not need to give bunches to time to people who are not at all interested in me. See #2
5. My husband is very considerate.
6. I am not always a dumping ground for unpleasant emotions. I can say, "Okay that's enough of that, let's talk about something more cheerful."
7. These insights and my consequent actions are going to make some people angry. I need to be prepared for the anger and not cave in.
Thanks Dr. Freuds, this has been a valuable session. Take care of yourselves. Bea