Why does the cat throw up every time I start to do yoga? I am listening to the music and breathing and breathing and getting calm and, blammo... yowling, retching and whoops-daisy-up comes breakfast. Then I have to stop, go and get the carpet cleaner, and the paper towels, and spend ten minutes cleaning up everything. Ruins the moment. Oh, and when I am doing the camel thing the dog gets underneath me and licks my face. Makes me almost want to take up jogging.
A rough bunch of days since my last post. Bad dreams, lethargy, food cravings from hell, self pity and massive amounts of anger. I have been in a bad way.
But something happened to me this morning. I will attempt to explain but may not succeed. My spiritual vocabulary is not large. When I awaken in the mornings I feel fine for about two seconds. Then the assault starts. Every fault I possess and their consequences cycle through my mind. At the top of the list is the fat thing. I feel like a thousand pound weight (no pun) has been dropped on me and I think "what is the use of fighting." But fight I do. I say "This is the day the Lord hath made I will rejoice and be glad in it" and I launch myself into my day. If not with gladness, then at least with massive movement. Since owning my sugar addiction the assault has been multiplied ten fold and I have been unable to launch myself into anything. I have grudgingly drug myself from spot to spot. My desire has been to fade into weary nothingness. Last week I earnestly sought help, received it and then did not have enough oomph to avail myself of it. But...The Help came and found me.
I decided last week to walk on the treadmill every morning. Of course I did not get it done every morning so I gave up. Only this morning I didn't. I got up and got on the darn thing. It was so boring I went and got my CD player and headphones. I didn't want to take the time to find new music so I decided to listen to what was in there. Of course it was Joyce Meyer. I was disgusted. I did not feel like listening to her preach at me and make me feel guilty. But I was too lazy to change the CD so I listened. She was preaching about being "the righteousness of God in Christ." I have heard this sermon theme enough times to quote it chapter and verse. I never understood what she or the Bible meant. This morning I finally got it.
Some of the folks in my childhood taught me I was a befouled being who would cause a lot less bother if she were just dead. Then the church got a'holt of me and told me I was a worthless sinner who deserved hell. I imprinted the idea I was a befouled sinner who should keep out of every one's way until she most likely went to hell. OK so now I buy a book that offers me the joyous opportunity to re-acknowledge "I am a sugar addict and my life spirals out of control because of it." Right. I am a befouled sinner who needs to stop bothering people to get her needs met, prepare for hell and accept the fact that she is an incurable addict to top it off. Gad, who wouldn't feel a tad down at the mouth in the mornings?
My intellect did/does not think I am contaminated or going to hell. It was my soul that believed the lie. Until this morning. Grace allowed me to see my true condition. In Christ I have been made "right." Fixed, cured, cleaned. The I of me is fresh as the morning. I am truly becoming a new creature. This revelation makes all the difference. I am right. I have an addiction. I am not my sins or my faults or my addictions. I, I, I, am right.
How will all of this play out? Beats me. I am way less freaked out and downtrodden about it all. I will ask the God of my understanding to "please help me to do your will" and then do the best I can to listen carefully. I have an addiction to sugar. I will need always to be abstinent. I need the support of others like me. I still need to finish withdrawal and get abstinent. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention withdrawal? Seems I keep forgetting about it entirely. Surprise, surprise. Most of the awful stuff I have gone through this past week could be attributed to what??? Withdrawal. I think I will ask the God of my new understanding for some help with that.
Take care. Love, love, love Bea