Boy I don't even know where to start. At the beginning is always best.
"Am I depressed because I am fat, or fat because I am depressed?" I am depressed because I am addicted to food.
Through another of those oddball coincidences (I call them grace) I came into the possession of a book called "Addiction and Grace" by Gerald May. The book forced me to look my addiction in the face. Why do I keep forgetting I am addicted to food? Part of the addiction process he says. Why do I keep thinking I can handle this on my own? Part of the addiction process he says. I am back to square one with my attachment to finding fullness. First part of square one is finding some help. I truly can't help myself with this problem. (Yes I could adopt another food plan but it is destined to fail. He calls this "attempting to reform your addiction" as opposed to being willing to seek a "transformed life.") I called the counseling center and have an appointment to talk to someone about compulsive eating on Tuesday at 9am. I also called our pastor.
My food addiction is more than a just psychological/physical problem. In the main it is a spiritual problem. I need some spiritual support. And not just me and God. I don't hear Him well enough to to be able to avail myself of the help he is always singing to me. I told the pastor I wanted to start an Overeaters Anonymous group at our church. I told him of my addiction and lack of support. He commissioned me to figure out how to start a group. Said he was all for it and would put it in the budget. Asked me if I thought we could get it up and running by February! Gad. Or should I say, God.
I searched online for OA and Food Addicts info. There is so much it will take me a while to sort through it all. Why have I tried to go it alone for so long? Is a mystery.
I am not depressed any more. I am scared spitless. I feel secure in the confines of my addiction. Letting go of my attachment to food is risky as death for me. Here is where the Grace comes in. God give me the courage and strength to take the risks to step into a "transformed" life. Amen
Take care. Love Bea