Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Guilt

I don't usually post two days in a row but I have to get this down on paper, or pixels, lest I forget. See yesterday's post for saga of Mark's job.

I was sitting on the couch today at 10:30 feeling guilty and eating bread and butter sandwiches. I felt guilty because it was 10:30 and I hadn't yet done anything.

Digression---I got up today at 5:30. I let dog out. I dressed, washed face, brushed teeth. I started coffee. I set up ironing board. I fed dog and cat. Mark got up. I ironed shirt and slacks for Mark. I turned on radio and listened to weather. I made cup of tea. Mark read his Bible and then showered. I cooked breakfast (oatmeal, eggs, grapefruit) while drinking tea and listening to local sports and birthday requests. Stripped sheets off bed and put them in the washer. Mark dressed and we sat down to eat. Finished eating and did Bible reading together. Mark put on coat and tie and left for work. I put on boots and went outside to drag huge black trash trolley to side of road. Went indoors and gathered up trash and ran it outside. Too late. Trash truck drove by and did not pick up trash. Again. Called trash people and argued with them about trash guy missing us every week. Trash girl was rude and said someone would be by to pick it up in the afternoon. Went inside and put on coat. Dog and I went outside to pooper scooper and feed birds. Came indoors fixed second cup of tea and sat down to do my devotions. Did devotions and then watched my preacher lady on television for 45 minutes. Got up from chair and transferred laundry to dryer. Noticed time. Felt horrible lazy and sat down on couch and gave in to tears and despair and bread. Felt guilty for not getting anything done.

As I was sitting there in my guilt, sniffing and eating my bread and butter, I chanced to tune into my thinking as my vision circled the room. My glance first fell on the television. I felt guilty for watching Joyce in the mornings. I felt guilty because there was a light layer of dust on the t.v.. I looked at the clock above the t.v., it was late and I wasn't doing anything. I looked at the walls. I hadn't washed them since we painted them three years ago. My eyes traveled to my desk. More dust. Inside a welter of unfiled stuff and indecision about what to discard. Also guilt about not sticking to budget better. Calendar came into view next. Gad, the days I have wasted doing nothing useful. Door next. The door has some scuff marks on it. Mirror next. Permanent streaks on mirror from years of spaying Windex on it instead of on rag first when cleaning. Mark's chair next, chair cover needs washed and side table needs dusted. Coat closet. Full of way to much stuff. Needs cleaned out. Front door. Needs screw tightened in doorknob. Green chair. Towel in chair seat is covered in cat hair. Window. Drapes need washed. Window is filthy after winter. My chair. Way to many books on side table. More dust. Magazine on the floor. Floor needs vacuumed. Sofa in front of picture window. Drapes need attention. Window is dirty. Cushions need cleaned. Cat hair on back of sofa where cat is sleeping in sun. Fat woman eating bread sitting on sofa feeling guilty about every damn thing in the room. I forgot the sleeping dog. Felt guilty I had not taken Mollie out for a run yet. (I did not feel guilty about the cat. She is living like a queen.)

My whole life has been based on feeling guilty for not measuring up. As the guilt piles up I feel overwhelmed and out of control. I hate feeling overwhelmed and out of control so I eat to ease the feeling. I then spiral deeper into guilt/despair for the eating and eventually become inert. Then I sleep.

Woke up at 2:00 pm. Prayed for deliverance from guilt. Prayed hard. I am not going to live like this. I am just not having it. I am not going to feel guilty for every f**king thing I do or do not do. Conviction comes from God. Guilt and condemnation do not. If I sin, I feel convicted, I say sorry, I make amends if possible, and I move on. If I feel guilty it is just tricks of the puny one and I stay stuck. NO MORE STUCK.

Take care. Love Bea

9 comments:

Cindy said...

ummm are you supposed to wash the walls? does everyone wash their walls? I have never done that. Heck, I don't even clean out the oven unless we are moving to a new rental every few years!

I feel the guilt too looking around my house. I am too tired to attempt anything until the weekend and then when the weekend comes around I am pissed I have to spend a day just cleaning and doing chores.

I always hear Dr Laura saying guilt is for when you are doing/did something wrong. Are you doing something wrong or do you just think guilt is the right feeling/emotion you should apply?

I have been weeding out what I truly DO feel guilty about and what I think I should feel guilty about. I am becoming at peace with all of it.

altopower said...

I've never washed any of my walls, either. And there are plenty of things sitting around that need to be done but haven't. I feel a twinge of guilt about some, but mostly it's regret that I procrastinated.

I know that it doesn't take long to DO things like clean off the table, and how satisfied I am when I actually do. So sometimes I just pick one thing and do it, instead of looking at the whole list and feeling depressed by the length of the list.

Cindy's right in asking the Dr. Laura question. I'll need to apply that to myself as well. Hang in there!

Frances Kuffel said...

I don't think there is a housekeeper in the world who doesn't give in to this disgust and guilt on a regular basis. I live in such a small space that one thing out of place makes a mess. To CLEAN it makes a mess because I have to drag things around and clean in square-foot areas.

That being said, you did a LOT before you succumbed. You'd been up a long time. Were you hungry? Were you stressed out BEFORE you sat down? Bread and butter sandwiches could be a symptom of HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired -- and angry can encompass a lot of stuff like being bored). Where was the stress point at which you stopped feeling OK about yourself?

Keep at it, Girlfriend. Write about these incidents and ask questions, questions, questions. It may not solve the snacking but it might be more interesting than the snack itself.

Cindy...154 said...

Our Lady of Weight Loss has a book All Is Forgiven,Move On.I thought of it as I was reading the end of this post and I wondered if you had ever heard of it. I read it sometimes at night, she's funny. I don't wash walls and I hate housework. I do try and get smudges off. I don't feel guilty about housework any more. Especially after finding the "cat hair curtains" in my rental property when the woman moved. I should photo them and post it. I am keeping them encased in plastic. Perhaps for the museum of Landlord's Believe It Or Not - that I am founding someday!

Cindy...154 said...

Hope to see a post from you soon! miss you and all that jazz

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