Lost

I am sitting in my recliner typing this entry. Very cool.

Clothes are drying on the line, ribs are cooking in crock pot and dog is napping. I am at loose ends. I was so excited to finally get back to my blog...and I have nothing to say. My life is ordinary and calm. When I was losing weight I had something to write about. The agony and ecstasy of weight loss. As a "regainer" who has no intention of ever going on another diet, I am at a loss for words.

In my time off from this blog I learned a few things. I don't believe in the addiction model for weight loss. I can know when I am full and choose to stop eating. Exercise is key for maintaining an active metabolism. Breakfast is key for same. No sugar and no flour forever is just silly. Portion control is the most important factor in maintaining a stable weight. Sugary treats as daily fair make me feel drug out and depressed. If I get full I can stop eating and save the rest for later. Satisfaction is attainable. Cooking ahead makes me crazy. Better if I prepare one meal at a time. Focusing on food and fat the whole darn time taps into my control issues. Better to let life just unfold.

See, I told you, I have nothing much to say...about food.

Now if anyone wanted to hear what I think about Universal Salvation THAT I could talk about.

Hosta la veesta Babies, Bea.

Avoidance

I am outside on the deck. Incredible.

I am fine. Husband is fine. Dog is fine. Cat is self congratulatory. Summer is grand. I am being besieged by humming birds as I am wearing a black and red flannel shirt. I am freezing to death out here but I refuse to go inside. I have waited years to be able to type outdoors and by darn I am going to do it.

I wish I had good news on the fat front. But no. I weigh 200 lbs. I have been avoiding doing anything about it. In fact I have been avoiding many things for many years.

I bought this computer in April. I have put off getting a wifi connection for four months because I knew it would be a hassle, I don't like to ask for help and I was afraid in trying to set it up I would some how permanently damage my new computer. Dumb really. I deprived my self of the pleasure of typing outdoors in the cold and mosquitoes because I didn't like to trouble anyone.

I am praying a new type of prayer. It is called "binding prayer." As a result of some family difficulties I was made aware of my avoidance problem. I prayed the binding prayer about avoidance and was given the courage to get some stuff done. One of the stuffs was getting my computer hooked up. Today I called and got a wifi connection. It was every bit as difficult as imagined it would be. Too involved to get into but believe me when I tell you getting electronic service in this mountain valley is a nightmare. I had to stand up to the phone company rep and demand service. I got service, in person, and a free router to boot. I am so proud of myself I could sing.

Okay I have to stop. I am frozen. Was 38 degrees this morning and I think it will be cold again tonight. I am grateful for the good sleeping weather even if flannel sheets and wool blanket are ridiculous in July. The pigs are grunting next door. I think they are cold too.

Bye. I am taking my computer indoors.

Love Bea

Update

More cheerful now. Still snowing. The neighbors got pigs yesterday. (Lets the smells begin.) I am going traveling. First time I have gone anywhere alone since I got married. I am looking forward to it. Have new computer but no wifi connection. Have new over the oven microwave. Life is good. Bye Bea

Snowed Under

It only snowed six inches here on Tuesday. I'm grateful. Ten miles north of us it snowed two feet!

One and a half more weeks and I will be able to type on my own computer in the warmth. I can't find my gloves and my hands are freezing. How Husband survives up here I will never know.

Well...I guess it is no surprise. I am officially obese. I have returned to surviving on carbs, guilt and Gas-X. It is hard to be real fat again. Hard. Husband wants to go on a trip for our twentieth anniversary. In a week and a half. He wants to go to a hot springs resort. God help me. The only way I can get a swimsuit in time is to take the two smaller ones I own and sew them together. I have two pairs of jeans that fit and two sweatshirts and two blouses. These I wear to church and shopping. At home I live in sweatpants and His old shirts. I wear my snow boots over the sweat pants and my too snug old coat over the shirts to shovel snow and get the mail. How on God's (somewhere) green earth am I going to go on vacation for a week???? Mark sprung this on me today at lunch. He was so happy to make me happy. And I have and will ruin his happiness, again. Man is this hard to write.

My food problem has impacted our whole married life. I bawled on our wedding day because I looked like a whale in a cream colored dress. I died of shame inside on our honeymoon when a person had to be left behind on the hot air balloon ride to make room for me. So many places we did not go and things we did not do because I was too fat. Husband was understanding, but disappointed. And now twenty years later my fat continues to limit our lives.

Or not. I am praying for fat person courage. You know the kind, you suck it up, smile and just move forward into life through the wall of judgements. I can do it. I have done it before. I'll beg or borrow a swimsuit and some more clothes. I will go and do and smile.

It is hard to lie down in this bed I made of cheesecake and peanut butter.

Bea

Computer Promise

If anyone is still out there I am on my way back to blogging.

I am getting a new laptop next month!! Yeah and thank the Lord. It is currently on lay-a-way at Radio Shack. If I had known about lay-a-way I would have purchased a computer years ago. Oh well, live and learn.

I am a mess. Very fat (205) and very snowed in. I'll bet we have four feet on the flat with five foot berms, in the back yard. A couple of weekends ago I rode 66 miles on a snow mobile. It almost killed me. I now have bragging rights as a real Star Valley person.

Husband is fine, dog is sweeter each day and cat continues snotty. My winter isolation is over.

Love Bea

Update Time

As is my wont during the Holiday season I have been dragging bottom. When I drag bottom I want to isolate. Thank God I have friends who won't allow me to slink off into oblivion. I HATE their "interference" and "nosiness" but boy do I need it.

I hit 201 pounds a week ago. Scary, very scary. I feel like I can't control my eating. I know I can. My answer is the food plan outlined in Kay Sheperd's books. I am again slowly moving toward an abstinent food life. I am soooo grateful for the information I know. I hate hating myself. If I eat abstinently then I feel good. Good physically, mentally and spiritually. I am again at the surrender point. Wanting what I want when I want it only leads to destruction. To be truly full and content I need to limit my eating. And my spending and my tv watching and my other undisciplined behaviours.

Thanksgiving Day was pretty good. We went to friends' and I overate but not too bad. The real killer was last week's church Greening and Christmas party. I knew I shouldn't go. My Christmas clothes were too tight and I felt like a slob. I knew I was too vulnerable. But it was my "duty" to attend. (This condition of being "dutified" is common to Us all. I have had this condition since childhood. Since I have spent a goodly portion of my life in church the condition has played out allot in that venue. I am always at odds with myself over what I "should" do and what I want to do. Since God is involved the weight of the "shoulds" is heavy.) So I went. I had problems from the get go. I won't go into all of it but the evening came to a close with me telling off the pastor. Gad. I am an ass.

God has given me some revelations in the days since the party.

1. God does not see me as I see myself or as the culture sees me. He loves me unconditionally and desires my companionship above my service.
2. I cannot respect/love myself and be out of control.
3. I will not progress in any other area of my life until I completely embrace and address my food addictions.
4. Recovery is not selfish. It is God honoring at my highest.

So...
1. I went back on the hormones. I slapped a patch on my butt two days ago. I hope to be sleeping more in the nights to come. I hope to soon be flashing less. I hope to pick less doctrinal fights with the pastor.

2. I increased my Vit D to 4000 units per day. I got out my sunlight lamp and put it by my chair.

3. I am resigning myself to shoveling snow for an hour per day. I am looking at it as my exercise program instead of resenting it.

4. I am working my way back to the food plan. Each day I get more of the sugar and flour out of my diet and house. I found my food scale and am using it. I am using the measuring cups.

5. I put my bathroom scale in the closet.

6. I bought some new larger size clothing.

7. I am reaching out to friends and being vulnerable.

8. I am refusing to feel guilty about not measuring up to my standards of what a Christian should be.

9. I am reading my Bible daily with an eye for revelation.

10. I am praying so as to be "with" God.

Amen and the end.

Love Lynn

Septic Harvest

Thank you all for continuing to check in with me. I appreciate it.

Well...I have been busy. The weather continues fine. We built a portico over the back door. We are building a tunnel thing over the garage door. The tunnel will divert the snow sliding off the roof and I will not need a pick ax to enter the garage from the back yard. We moved a pile of dirt to the back-yard. First we sifted out the rocks with small gauge wire fencing. This whole process was not as much fun as you might imagine. I planted about a hundred million tulips and daffodils in my gigantic flower bed. We put more pavers down in front of the back step. Ditto on fun. Today I weed and fed the lawn. We have four more storm windows to put in and then we are done. Yeah. I still have to wash half of the outside windows. Most of the inside ones are clean. I washed my comforter today and hung it outside to dry. Tomorrow is the living room drapes and all our winter gear I didn't get washed in the spring. It is supposed to snow by the week end so I am making hay while the sun shines.

My dryer blew up last week and I have spent much money getting the old thing functional again. Why do repair men never arrive on time? I wasted two days waiting for the guy. Very frustrating. I have been wined and dined by all the snow birds who went home in the past two weeks. I am very fat but had a GREAT time. Jackson Hole is beautiful right now, very few tourists. I am sad about yoga Fran leaving for the winter. I will miss her like the dickens. I taped her class and am going to do the routine at home with the dog. She will be my dogini.

I have been cooking like mad. Must be the Fall air. I made some pumpkin apple soup to die for. I "put up" fifteen quart containers of apples from our tree. I also made twelve pints of apple butter. I have been making apple desserts on the weekends. Mark thinks he has died and gone to heaven. On the weekends I also have been making big meat, i.e. pork roast, beef roast, ham, chicken or turkey. I cook the meat and veg on Friday and we eat on it all weekend. I have been putting the apple sauce over the pork roast before I bake it. Scrumptious. I have a friend with a huge garden. She had landed me with green beans, turnips, carrots, parsnips and beets. I froze most of the green beans and made borscht a couple of times with the turnips and beets. The carrots and parsnips are going in with the roasts. Speaking of tomatoes. I am still getting big fat red tomatoes. You have no idea how rare that is for this part of the world. I dutifully cover the tomato plant every night and so far it has not frozen. Has been getting down to 20-30 degrees at night. And now about the septic tank.

After our septic tank adventure we were left with a big area of bare dirt in the lawn. I was not bothered by this but Mark wanted me to replant grass. Okay, I found a baggy of grass seed in the garage and threw it down. A week later Mark came to me and said "you have got to see this." I dutifully followed him to the side yard. Low and behold, over our septic tank is an area of the most chartreuse green you can imagine. "What did you plant he asked?" " I think it's lettuce." Yep. We now are enjoying a regal harvest of fresh lettuce. It must be the heat coming from the septic tank that's keeping it from freezing. We are the talk of the neighborhood. My friend with the huge garden just put her septic tank area into spinach. Who knew.

And now I'm done. I hope to be reading and posting on a more frequent basis soon. Santa has said we might get a laptop for Christmas. I am not holding my breath. I hope you all are having a wonderful fall. I am.

Take care, Love Lynn

P.S. We had a wonderful time in Yellowstone and Teton Parks. We saw every kind of wild life but bears. We were the exception. Everyone we talked to had seen bears. Herds of them. Walking down the road and halting traffic just like the buffalo. Phooey. We had a fun time with our friends. There is nothing like vacationing with people of the same age and interests. Are you interested in a repeat next year Kim???