Is here. Last year at this time we had five inches of snow on the ground. I am over the moon about greenish grass and birds. The dogs think they have died and gone to heaven.
I am on an even keel. Still working on willpower. Is an uphill battle, but winnable.
We may be doing some traveling. I am looking forward to a wine tour in Nampa Idaho. Who knew. Also a trolley ride and a night at the opera. (I sound like Groucho Marx.) Nothing more to report.
Keep smiling. Lynn
Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Differences
This post is indirectly about fat.
I am in the process of switching my Christian tradition. I have been a Fundamentalish Protestant Christian for forty years. I am now ponderously moving toward the Catholic tradition. Is different. Fundamentally, no pun intended, different. I am not talking about The Real Presence in the Eucharist, Mariology, Purgatory, confession or Saintly intercession. Those are given differences. This is something else. Something I am having a hard time grasping. It has to do with self respect and self love.
I was taught to regard myself as a sinner saved by Grace. My past, present and future sins were forgiven if and when I repented, but my soul would always retain the effects of original sin. I was going to Heaven because of Christ's sacrifice on the Cross but my life on earth would be fraught with sin because of my "original sin" nature. I would spend my life being a victim of Satan who had access to my soul (and my actions) through my sin nature. I could expect my life to be a litany (no pun) of sin and repentance. I was going to sin, I had no choice, it was part and parcel of who I was. It was my job was to be on constant alert for sin and promptly repent of it. I was also taught all sin was the same in the eyes of God. He cannot look at sin so swearing and murder brought the same end, separation from God. I have spent years feeling like a sinful worm grateful to a picky god who out of regal magnanimity was willing to "save a wretch like me."
Okay so I began attending these RCIA classes. My husband calls them Roman Catholic Indoctrination Activities. The first thing they told me is that my original sin was removed when I was baptized. What???? Removed???? Who came up with that crack pot notion? Jesus it turns out. My whole world suddenly flipped on its' head. This was in the first damn class. (I am also learning about mortal and venial sin.) If I was not, while in this mortal coil, bent irrevocably by and toward sin who was I? It has taken me a couple of months to figure it out.
I am not a sinner. I am the Beloved of God made in the Triune Image and given His greatest gifts, life and choice. Yes there is a tempter and I will always be tempted. Sometimes I will sin because I am willful. But, Oh I love that word, but, I can choose not to sin. I am not condemned by my very nature to sin. Was painful to believe myself both the agent of sin and the sinned against. I was at war within. My nature is not sinner or victim of sin but Beloved. Good News indeed.
Now what does all of that have to do with fat? If I am not at my very core a sinner but a Beloved I (who sometimes gives in to the temptation and makes poor choices) can and should love and respect myself. I am not a victim of Lucifer or his minion me. I am a free Beloved. Who the Son has set free is free indeed. I do not have to live an out of control sin-full life. I have choice. I have free will. I have a working will. I thought it was broken. Bent by sin and never to be of any use to me. NOT. I am not a victim. Thanks be to God.
Damn. I may be going overboard with this venial sin thing. My obsession with sugar is not gone. I still eat over my emotions...but I don't have to. I can make different choices. I most time still make bad choices. I am cutting myself some slack. My will is weak. I haven't used it in forty years. I pray for strength and have started exercising my will. I don't like the exercise. It hurts. I am a whimp and lazy. But, I am a Beloved lazy whimp not a victimized stuck sinner. And it makes all the difference.
Pray for me as I will for thee.
Love Bea
I am in the process of switching my Christian tradition. I have been a Fundamentalish Protestant Christian for forty years. I am now ponderously moving toward the Catholic tradition. Is different. Fundamentally, no pun intended, different. I am not talking about The Real Presence in the Eucharist, Mariology, Purgatory, confession or Saintly intercession. Those are given differences. This is something else. Something I am having a hard time grasping. It has to do with self respect and self love.
I was taught to regard myself as a sinner saved by Grace. My past, present and future sins were forgiven if and when I repented, but my soul would always retain the effects of original sin. I was going to Heaven because of Christ's sacrifice on the Cross but my life on earth would be fraught with sin because of my "original sin" nature. I would spend my life being a victim of Satan who had access to my soul (and my actions) through my sin nature. I could expect my life to be a litany (no pun) of sin and repentance. I was going to sin, I had no choice, it was part and parcel of who I was. It was my job was to be on constant alert for sin and promptly repent of it. I was also taught all sin was the same in the eyes of God. He cannot look at sin so swearing and murder brought the same end, separation from God. I have spent years feeling like a sinful worm grateful to a picky god who out of regal magnanimity was willing to "save a wretch like me."
Okay so I began attending these RCIA classes. My husband calls them Roman Catholic Indoctrination Activities. The first thing they told me is that my original sin was removed when I was baptized. What???? Removed???? Who came up with that crack pot notion? Jesus it turns out. My whole world suddenly flipped on its' head. This was in the first damn class. (I am also learning about mortal and venial sin.) If I was not, while in this mortal coil, bent irrevocably by and toward sin who was I? It has taken me a couple of months to figure it out.
I am not a sinner. I am the Beloved of God made in the Triune Image and given His greatest gifts, life and choice. Yes there is a tempter and I will always be tempted. Sometimes I will sin because I am willful. But, Oh I love that word, but, I can choose not to sin. I am not condemned by my very nature to sin. Was painful to believe myself both the agent of sin and the sinned against. I was at war within. My nature is not sinner or victim of sin but Beloved. Good News indeed.
Now what does all of that have to do with fat? If I am not at my very core a sinner but a Beloved I (who sometimes gives in to the temptation and makes poor choices) can and should love and respect myself. I am not a victim of Lucifer or his minion me. I am a free Beloved. Who the Son has set free is free indeed. I do not have to live an out of control sin-full life. I have choice. I have free will. I have a working will. I thought it was broken. Bent by sin and never to be of any use to me. NOT. I am not a victim. Thanks be to God.
Damn. I may be going overboard with this venial sin thing. My obsession with sugar is not gone. I still eat over my emotions...but I don't have to. I can make different choices. I most time still make bad choices. I am cutting myself some slack. My will is weak. I haven't used it in forty years. I pray for strength and have started exercising my will. I don't like the exercise. It hurts. I am a whimp and lazy. But, I am a Beloved lazy whimp not a victimized stuck sinner. And it makes all the difference.
Pray for me as I will for thee.
Love Bea
Monday, March 19, 2012
New Directions
Much is happening in my life and I don't really want to talk about it. Tilt, tilt.
I always want to be heard by all and sundry. Why else blog? I have been willing to open the doors of my life to strangers, and like Blanche I have looked for and relied on their kindness. I found it in spades. So what is the deal? In the past when I stopped blogging it was because I didn't have the energy to put fingers to keyboard. This is different. Blogging now feels invasive. I find I no longer want to share the details of my life. Suddenly my inner and maybe even outer life seem private.
Don't know what this new boundary will mean for the blog. Only time will tell.
Take care. Love Bea
I always want to be heard by all and sundry. Why else blog? I have been willing to open the doors of my life to strangers, and like Blanche I have looked for and relied on their kindness. I found it in spades. So what is the deal? In the past when I stopped blogging it was because I didn't have the energy to put fingers to keyboard. This is different. Blogging now feels invasive. I find I no longer want to share the details of my life. Suddenly my inner and maybe even outer life seem private.
Don't know what this new boundary will mean for the blog. Only time will tell.
Take care. Love Bea
Friday, February 24, 2012
Time Out
It has been almost a month since last I posted.
I have had the flu. The cat was spayed and declawed. Other cat got sick. Husband had an out of town trial. I quit my church. Washing machine and dryer broke. Six hundred million feet of snow fell. The sun is shining today.
Therapy visit was tres beneficial. Emotional Deprivation Disorder results from lack of unconditional love in childhood. This lack of love stunts emotional growth. The body, intellect and to some degree the spirit mature, but many emotions remain immature. Ipso facto, you end up as an adult attempting to navigate the "grown-up" world with child like emotional reactions. The cure is unconditional love in the stunted areas. How does this work? Beats me. I am still in the process of going through my history.
Okay all for now. I am actually vacuuming and was shanghaied by the computer.
Love Bea
I have had the flu. The cat was spayed and declawed. Other cat got sick. Husband had an out of town trial. I quit my church. Washing machine and dryer broke. Six hundred million feet of snow fell. The sun is shining today.
Therapy visit was tres beneficial. Emotional Deprivation Disorder results from lack of unconditional love in childhood. This lack of love stunts emotional growth. The body, intellect and to some degree the spirit mature, but many emotions remain immature. Ipso facto, you end up as an adult attempting to navigate the "grown-up" world with child like emotional reactions. The cure is unconditional love in the stunted areas. How does this work? Beats me. I am still in the process of going through my history.
Okay all for now. I am actually vacuuming and was shanghaied by the computer.
Love Bea
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Sunshine today. Still ten below on north side of the house. All is white with the world.
Have lost five pounds as of today. Will probably go up by tomorrow as Husband's birthday celebration is tonight and I will eat pasta and cake, his favorites. I am prepared for a temporary increase and do not intend to go off the deep end about it. I am in it (food plan) for the long haul this time.
Had a birthday myself recently. I am now 55 years old. Seems weird but I am grateful, my mother died at 48. I have begun to get the weirdest mail. I got an add from a "scooter store." If I bought one of these scooters, according to the promotion, I would be doing wheelies in the parking lot in a matter of minutes. I don't think so. I have also begun to get catalogs advertising catheters and shower chairs. Come on. I may be a bit creaky in the knees on cold mornings but I am not yet ready for all this senior paraphernalia. Since when did 55 get to be the cut off age for youth? Like Jean Brodie, I believe myself to still be in my prime. Apparently I am the only one.
My first counseling session is today. I am hoping to work on trust. I think this is my main issue. Mebbee not. We'll see.
All done for another week.
Love Bea
Have lost five pounds as of today. Will probably go up by tomorrow as Husband's birthday celebration is tonight and I will eat pasta and cake, his favorites. I am prepared for a temporary increase and do not intend to go off the deep end about it. I am in it (food plan) for the long haul this time.
Had a birthday myself recently. I am now 55 years old. Seems weird but I am grateful, my mother died at 48. I have begun to get the weirdest mail. I got an add from a "scooter store." If I bought one of these scooters, according to the promotion, I would be doing wheelies in the parking lot in a matter of minutes. I don't think so. I have also begun to get catalogs advertising catheters and shower chairs. Come on. I may be a bit creaky in the knees on cold mornings but I am not yet ready for all this senior paraphernalia. Since when did 55 get to be the cut off age for youth? Like Jean Brodie, I believe myself to still be in my prime. Apparently I am the only one.
My first counseling session is today. I am hoping to work on trust. I think this is my main issue. Mebbee not. We'll see.
All done for another week.
Love Bea
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Community
Morning all. Blog day is here. Is cold again this a.m.. More snow in the forecast. Has been foggy for the last couple of days. The inversion traps the fog in the valley and we live for a few days in old London. I sure miss the sun.
I love this laptop. I am sitting in my easy chair in the living room. I am beside a window trying to get some light. The birds are at the feeder eating me out of house and home. Last year I was stuck using Husband's computer upstairs. I had to wear gloves and hat to stay warm. Not so now. As with most old houses there is heat under the window. I have a cup of tea at my elbow and two dogs asleep on the floor at my feet. The cats are on the back of the sofa watching birds through the picture window at the other feeder. All in all, just a dandy situation.
Had a bad eating day Monday. Husband did not come home for lunch as planned. My routine was altered and so my external control was weakened. Don't know why I need routine to maintain control over my eating but it is so. I am grateful to recognize it. I went nuts. Ate a jar of salsa and half a bag of mints along with multiple cheese sandwiches. The binge lasted all afternoon until Husband returned home in the evening. I felt like a worm. A stuffed worm. Had a good cry, talked to God about my out of controlness and went early to bed.
I don't know why my inner control is so weak. I believe I can control people and situations in my life. I labor at controlling people and situations in my life. I can't control people and situations in my life. I don't believe I can control myself so I don't even try. I probably can control myself. I think I have things bassackwards.
I have set up rigid outer controls to make up for my lack of inner control. My "shoulds". Bells and bright lights need to be going off here. This is a huge insight for me. The outer controls, my routine and order, sort of work but are punishing to maintain. I would like to have order and peace inside and have it flow out on to my environment. I start counseling next Wednesday. Christian counseling. I am looking forward to some help.
"You have not because you ask not." Yup. That would be me. I am asking. It is scaring the crap out of me. Community is where I will receive healing for my broken places. I attended my third catechism class last eve. Will the Catholic Church be part of my new community? Don't know. Is a long stretch to give up sola scriptura and the sole authority of Christ. And all that confessing, how humiliating. Just what I need. Less isolation, even in my relationship with God.
Okay all done. Today is my day off. (A housewife does not get days off unless she takes them.) I am going to read and take hounds for a walk.
Pray for me as I will for thee. Love Lynn
I love this laptop. I am sitting in my easy chair in the living room. I am beside a window trying to get some light. The birds are at the feeder eating me out of house and home. Last year I was stuck using Husband's computer upstairs. I had to wear gloves and hat to stay warm. Not so now. As with most old houses there is heat under the window. I have a cup of tea at my elbow and two dogs asleep on the floor at my feet. The cats are on the back of the sofa watching birds through the picture window at the other feeder. All in all, just a dandy situation.
Had a bad eating day Monday. Husband did not come home for lunch as planned. My routine was altered and so my external control was weakened. Don't know why I need routine to maintain control over my eating but it is so. I am grateful to recognize it. I went nuts. Ate a jar of salsa and half a bag of mints along with multiple cheese sandwiches. The binge lasted all afternoon until Husband returned home in the evening. I felt like a worm. A stuffed worm. Had a good cry, talked to God about my out of controlness and went early to bed.
I don't know why my inner control is so weak. I believe I can control people and situations in my life. I labor at controlling people and situations in my life. I can't control people and situations in my life. I don't believe I can control myself so I don't even try. I probably can control myself. I think I have things bassackwards.
I have set up rigid outer controls to make up for my lack of inner control. My "shoulds". Bells and bright lights need to be going off here. This is a huge insight for me. The outer controls, my routine and order, sort of work but are punishing to maintain. I would like to have order and peace inside and have it flow out on to my environment. I start counseling next Wednesday. Christian counseling. I am looking forward to some help.
"You have not because you ask not." Yup. That would be me. I am asking. It is scaring the crap out of me. Community is where I will receive healing for my broken places. I attended my third catechism class last eve. Will the Catholic Church be part of my new community? Don't know. Is a long stretch to give up sola scriptura and the sole authority of Christ. And all that confessing, how humiliating. Just what I need. Less isolation, even in my relationship with God.
Okay all done. Today is my day off. (A housewife does not get days off unless she takes them.) I am going to read and take hounds for a walk.
Pray for me as I will for thee. Love Lynn
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sea Change
There is a lake somewhere in Africa or India that turns over once a year. All the debris from the bottom is washed up into the light of day. Something like that is happening to me.
I have lost three pounds. Not much for two weeks of more controlled eating. It is taking me a long time to get back into the swing of things. A "clean" kitchen and pantry do not happen overnight. I am using up the items I bought that are not so beneficial for me. As these run out I buy the healthy stuff. (Once again I am delighted to realize meat and veg are cheaper than processed food.) I don't care that I am off to a slow start. This is not so much about weight loss this time. It is about surrendering my desire to have what I want when I want it. I have spent years gratifying most of my desires. The fact that my desires are modest does not mitigate my out of controlness. With money also. Just because we are not dead broke does not excuse my buying stuff I should not be buying. I want a better life. I can envision the life I want. I have a promise from God for a better life, IF I DO MY PART. I am going to do my part. I am going to be out of debt (minimal prob) and thinner (maximal prob). I am asking God for help every step of the way.
I am a person who likes order. I have felt bad about this desire even while realizing it is a God given part of my personality. Hard to live an out of control life while loving order. Makes me hate myself. I finally get it. God is not a god of chaos. My need for order is a blessed state. I can pursue order to my heart's content. Order not perfectionism. Order leaves margin for error. Mine and other people's. Perfectionism brooks no failure anytime, anyplace or in anyone.
Back to doing my part. I am making change one baby step (thanks Vickie) at a time. Order is motivated baby steps. Perfectionism is turning the world upside down for overwhelming immediate change.
First Baby Step: I pray daily for patience and perseverance. I have outlined my weak areas. I pray in the mornings for God to strengthen me in these specific areas. That is it for now
Animals are fine. Abby new cat is getting cuter and cuter. Weather is cold. Way below zero most mornings. Has warmed up and is snowing. Is that better? Not sure. Husband has cabin fever. Mee too. Okay off to the races. See you next week.
Lynn
I have lost three pounds. Not much for two weeks of more controlled eating. It is taking me a long time to get back into the swing of things. A "clean" kitchen and pantry do not happen overnight. I am using up the items I bought that are not so beneficial for me. As these run out I buy the healthy stuff. (Once again I am delighted to realize meat and veg are cheaper than processed food.) I don't care that I am off to a slow start. This is not so much about weight loss this time. It is about surrendering my desire to have what I want when I want it. I have spent years gratifying most of my desires. The fact that my desires are modest does not mitigate my out of controlness. With money also. Just because we are not dead broke does not excuse my buying stuff I should not be buying. I want a better life. I can envision the life I want. I have a promise from God for a better life, IF I DO MY PART. I am going to do my part. I am going to be out of debt (minimal prob) and thinner (maximal prob). I am asking God for help every step of the way.
I am a person who likes order. I have felt bad about this desire even while realizing it is a God given part of my personality. Hard to live an out of control life while loving order. Makes me hate myself. I finally get it. God is not a god of chaos. My need for order is a blessed state. I can pursue order to my heart's content. Order not perfectionism. Order leaves margin for error. Mine and other people's. Perfectionism brooks no failure anytime, anyplace or in anyone.
Back to doing my part. I am making change one baby step (thanks Vickie) at a time. Order is motivated baby steps. Perfectionism is turning the world upside down for overwhelming immediate change.
First Baby Step: I pray daily for patience and perseverance. I have outlined my weak areas. I pray in the mornings for God to strengthen me in these specific areas. That is it for now
Animals are fine. Abby new cat is getting cuter and cuter. Weather is cold. Way below zero most mornings. Has warmed up and is snowing. Is that better? Not sure. Husband has cabin fever. Mee too. Okay off to the races. See you next week.
Lynn
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