Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Frustrated

I am jealous. So jealous I can hardly even be friendly, let alone interested.

I have a good friend who had gastric by-pass surgery four months ago. She has already lost 60+ pounds. She needed the surgery. It will give her her life back. I am glad she did it. And I almost can't stand to talk to her.

She wants to talk about renewed energy and new clothes and getting off medications. I just want to hang up the phone. You know why? In my heart of hearts...I feel she cheated. My head knows what a wonderful thing this is for she and her family. My heart wants to cut off all contact with her. She took the easy way out. I know this is stupid thinking. I know what the surgery entails and the lifelong consequences. And still I am still pissed that she got to do this and I didn't. She will be thin and not have to worry every darn day about the pounds coming back. I will have to struggle and worry forever (maybe) about my fat. Why wasn't I allowed to take the "easy" option too?

I am not fat enough, and never have been.

I think my high was about 255. I quit weighing at 248 so I am not sure. My friend is my height and age and was way over that. Her fat was killing her. Mine just made me vaguely miserable. And still does. I always, for the most part, was able to do what I wanted to do. I just looked awful and suffered with society's stigma about fat people. I still do.

This has all got me to thinking about, for me, when good enough will really be good enough. Francis wrote a blog a couple of weeks ago about the things she wants in her life. I was shocked to discover I already have most of the things she so desperately wants. The main thing in my life that I allow to make me miserable is my perceived inability to lose my fat forever.

Am I wasting my life? Have I wasted the past thirty years on this issue? I think maybe I have. Will I waste more time valuable time? God I hope not.

We are still limping along with our broken computer as the computer guy went hunting.

Take care of yourselves. Love Lynn

11 comments:

LG said...

When I was dating That Guy, he told me that his ex-wife found someone who would authorize gastric bypass surgery (she's very short but not that overweight). He knew I was trying and had lost a lot of weight and his words to me were, "Don't expect to be happy when you lose your weight." In other words, if you're not happy now, losing the weight won't be the end-all and be-all.

I read a number of articles about gastric bypass and yes, in some ways, it could be viewed as cheating. But the side effects can be pretty awful and you only get one whole stomach. You know this. You are more than your weight. You may never be Audrey Hepburn thin (and she nearly starved to death in WWII) but you are Bea/Lynn/wonderful. Just remember that.

PS My school used to excuse the boys from classes on the first day of hunting season. I thought it was very unfair to the girls. But then maybe I should pretended I was out hunting something. :-)

LG said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Helen said...

I have known too many people who have had the surgery who (a) had horrible problems, (b) never lost all the weight, and/or (c) gained back. Even if I were heavy enough, I wouldn't be tempted. But, when you are struggling, I totally GET how hard it is to see someone losing seemingly effortlessly...I think I wrote a blog about that very thing sometime last year when DB lost 10 pounds practically overnight over the holidays and I felt like a horrible person because I couldn't be happy for him while I was struggling. I'm sure your friend understands...or will at some point. I sure do.

Vickie said...

the surgery absolutely does not take the possibility of regaining away - MANY people regain with the surgery just like people without the surgery.

If she doesn't learn to eat the right things - in the right quantities - she will regain.

If I understand correctly - the people having this surgery attend support groups to learn about people's experiences with their surgery - but do NOT attend therapy to figure out WHY they eat their way to morbid obesity. I have a real problem with that.

Annimal said...

As a nurse I view gastric bypass as a body mutilation with higher morbity rates than cardiac bypass. I truly believe it's society's disgust of obesity that allows this surgery. No, it isn't a permanent fix, the weight can and does come back on as the patient learns new tricks of eating. The potentials for side effects and the fact that the mutilation is permanent is horrendous.
I absolutely agree with Vickie. The emotional reasons for overeating are not addressed and the as yet unknown metabolic differences of the fat vs. thin are where medicine needs to be researching. Maybe we need a "pink" ribbon campaign or a Jerry Lewis telethon to promote research and awareness. this is not an issue of gluttony for most of us. It's largely metabolic.
Maybe that's the real reason you are angry with your friend? She choose a potentially life threatening surgery, and you view this as not acceptable.
How could she? Because someone convinced her it was the only way not to die early of obesity and she bought it.

Cindy...154 said...

I always thought if I had surgery I would still find a way to overeat and gain weight. I am glad you brought up the what's good enough concept. I need to think about that, and get some gratitude. I have been doing morbit reflection this week on age and my ex MF being with a much younger woman who happened to be overweight. The irony was that here I lost all this weight..blah blah blan. I'm done. Happy Halloween!!

Dorothy Hills said...

I feel VERY sorry for your friend, and happy for you! Those were my spontaneous feelings when I read the posting. I can understand why she chose surgery, as at that enormous weight, it must have been a total extreme end of desperation. I feel so sorry for her. Am happy you are healthy, can eat normally, and enjoy what you eat. It is wonderful that you have so many blessings, and can actually appreciate them at the same time too. Have a feeling there are blocks that may have less to do with food, and since you are totally focussed, may work themselves out sooner than later. I sincerely think we become what we focus upon. If we focus on our fears, then we realize those fears. If we focus on change for the better, then we become the better.

Wendy said...

I really feel for you, as I have found that the only way to lose weight (keeping it off is impossible for me) is to be constantly hyper-vigilant and starving. Even when I was in the hospital on an IV drip with NO FOOD, the IV was enough to keep me from losing any weight.

But I agree with those who say that your friend has not necessarily chosen the easy way.

Clearly, the issue for most people IS metabolic. Yes, there are people who are eating themselves into the grave--that's all we see on TV. But most of us who have a "weight problem" (ugh) just cannot eat when and what we want. That one piece of cake on Wednesday wipes out every waking moment of severe self-limitation over the previous two weeks. That's why dieting doesn't work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Resolute said...

That is so much on the mark Wendy. The metabolism thing and some people (like us) having our lifelong struggles cut out for us. I am borderline hypothyroid and have resisted taking synthroid. Wonder whether it will make a difference. I am hesitating to take the synthroid as wonder whether it will mess with my metabolism, i.e. make me hyper and affect my already tendency to overthink things :>) I have a good friend who is on synthroid, and it is almost relative how her medication has to be adjusted all the time. Her symptoms are almost the same as mine and hers or with medication! I thought I would try to see whether I could improve my health and perhaps with miracles manouvre away from borderline. But who knows, maybe I am playing with fire? And I could loose weight? But that would also feel like cheating? I want a very sound health reason for taking synthroid.

Annimal said...

to resolute:
Not only does hypothyroidism cause weight gain and loss of energy, it ages the thyroid, taxes the brain and can lead to lower IQ.
Reason enough?

daisyk said...

I'm not going to tell you how your friend probably won't have it easy & that the compulsion to eat won't go away. I'm going to quote you: "...my perceived inability to lose weight". That's what strikes me in this very honest, very brave post that I identify with so much.

my perceived

inability

to lose weight

If I apply each of those to my life...well, that's why I'm unsatisfied with my life. It's not so much being unable to lose weight, it's my perceived inability all the way around. Any resonance there?