Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Masks 2

I just called Mark at work and yelled at him for losing the remote to his t.v.. Have I lost my mind? You betcha. I am longing for Friday and my Dr's. appointment to get here. Hi Nory.

Vickie I read the chemical post. (see previous comments) I believe whole foods are the healthy way to go. I have not been able to commit myself to the work it takes to eat this way. I want fake food because I feel lousy and it is easier to eat the stuff with chemicals in it than to shop and wash and chop and cook the real stuff. But...I want to be less fake in all areas of my life. Read on.

I am trying to take off my masks. It is scaring me spitless. I teach the adult Sunday School class at our church. I try to keep to the middle of the road with everything I teach so as not to offend anyone. Damn boring, for me and for them. This past Sunday I went off lesson and brought up a subject that I had questions about. We had a lively, to say the least, discussion. I revealed my true thinking about the subject. Was fairly well received...and I have been a mess ever since.

I hate letting my "real self" show. She is sooooo vulnerable on all levels. I let the false self take the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and retreat to my real self to rest/hide. Only a couple of people get see to the real me. I am fakish with everyone else. Interestingly enough it is the real self who over eats. Lately it is taking more and more food to insulate the real self from the trials of the false self. I am getting tired and sick from living my false internal life. So, on Sunday I decided to let what I thought were parts of the real me show through. And that felt fake too. Poop.

Have I lived to please for so long that I can't even recognize who and what is the essential me? Am I incapable of either an unanalyzed action or a self recriminating reaction? Mebbe. Hard to reveal your real self to others when she is a semi unknown entity. I think the real self eats to pad out bad stuff but also to shore up who she is. She is weak. What I found out during Sunday's escapade is that I need to build up my real self's muscles. When you have been so agreeable for so long you develop a really tough "nice shell." I am not yet strong enough to break the shell of my false nice persona. How to get stronger? First, I have to exercise my "No." Then I need to spend time with my real self to get to know her. I am grateful for my false self's auto pilot ability to carry on with daily life while emotionally I am gearing up for the great escape.

My goal with all to this is to finally get to "authentic compassion." It is going to take longer and be harder than I figured. Maybe a year. A first step could be to stop eating fake food.

Take care, Love Bea


Annimal said...

I think the first step to finding your true self IS to stop everything fake about you. Fake hair, fake nails, fake food, fake styles. All of it. Do you dye your hair because that's what you think you should do to fit in? Quit. Identify what really isn't you and quit them, one thing at a time.
It takes strength to buck society and just be yourself, but the internal esteem you build is priceless.

Vickie said...

hugs (real ones)

Anonymous said...

I have a constant ummm internal dilema (battle is too strong of a word). I have less friends now because if I get crossed I'm DONE. I was in a verbally emotionally abusive marriage for 15 years. I don't put up with crap anymore. But I'm more compassionate too. I'm not sure how all that balances out. But it works out somehow.

Cindy in CO