Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Fake Me

Question: Why do I feel like a fake all the time?

This week I have felt like more of a fake than I have in years. I am tired of being the me others would like me to be. I am frustrated with going along to get along. I want to know what I think and feel, and say and do so.

I want a simple uninvolved life. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. "IRRESPONSIBLE AND UNCHRISTIAN" clang back and forth in my brain. If I do not feel concern or compassion I do not want to be forced to care or take action. "With that attitude you will end up miserable and alone." "What if everyone felt like that?" "You will hate yourself if you don't help." "That is not Christ like behaviour." Jesus have mercy.

I have spent my whole life being manipulated by people and situations into doing stuff I did not want to do. I have gone along with it because I figured that unless I was pushed I would sit on my ass and not do or care about anyone or anything.

This morning I rescued a horse.

Most every day at the crack of dawn we walk down a country road. We know all the dogs and cats and horses. This morning there was a big beautiful bay horse in a pasture full of hay bales. A pasture with an old, old fence and no gates. A pasture that is not meant to house livestock. It was dark and foggy. A busy county highway runs parallel to the country road we walk on. As we walked past the horse came tearing out of the pasture and ran up on the highway. I did not think twice. I ran after the horse. It stopped in the middle of the highway frightened by the lights of the oncoming traffic. I ran up to its head and said, "Come here." I was scared out of my wits so sounded very stern. The horse turned, looked at me and then followed me down into the bar pit and back onto the dirt road. I got between it and the highway and kept urging it forward. When we got to the place where I thought it belonged I took it into the corral and shut the gate. I then went up to the house and rang the door bell. Keep in mind it is only 6:30 a.m.. I said to a very startled woman in a bathrobe, "Your horse was on the highway and we brought it back." She yelled and ran to get her husband. At that point we left. I sure hope it was their horse.

The point of all that was, no one forced me to care about that horse. I could have just walked on and assumed someone else would care about it. But I didn't. I didn't want to. I wanted to help. I was in fact desperate to help. Like with Mollie. And the cats. What if I can trust the Love within me to direct my caring and concern? What if I don't need to be pushed and guilted into helping others? What if I can trust I will be led and motivated to help where I am needed? What then? I'll bet I will be way less fake. And way less frustrated. If I have something to offer in a situation I will want to get involved. If not...God has someone else in mind for the job. Whoa Nellie.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

5 comments:

Annimal said...

You wrote "If I do not feel concern or compassion I do not want to be forced to care or take action."
This has been MY voice for the last couple of years. With everything--my job, my family, my in-laws, the homeless, charities, etc.
Everyone in this world will take a piece of you if you let them.
Figuring out what pieces to give and remain whole is the key.
I no longer feel guilty for not handing $5 to every beggar on the street. Some tug at me, some don't. I think sometimes the best thing we can do for another person is to let them work out their own troubles.
I believe all charities are worthy and all need $$. I also believe that is why we are all created with very different crosses to bear, so we become champion for causes. I can't give to all, but I can support a couple that are dear to MY heart. It's no coincidence that Christopher Reeves fell from his horse, breaking his neck. With his influence spinal cord research has ballooned and the once impossible is becoming possible. Michael J. Fox--parkinsons. These people can shine a light on "unpopular" diseases in a way that the common person (you & I) can not.
Do I feel guilty about this, nope. I do what I can do for my own backyard, just like you did for that poor scared horse. Imagine the guilt you'd feel if you came across it in the ditch the next morning?
But, that isn't why you shooed the horse to safety. You acted on the instinctive impulse to save a life. It shows you care, are willing to put yourself out there, and you have the right to soak in all the good feelings you have over this encounter.
You can stop being a people- pleaser, you CAN stop the fake in your life.
I disagree with every quote you have in the 2nd paragraph. I think we ARE following Christ's instructions when we act in a loving way that allows us to feel good about our actions at the end of the day. First of all you can't be miserable when you know you've done your best, and alone? No, I think you'll attract healthy like-minded people who enrich your life and the blood suckers will find someone else to attach to. There's always someone else who can't set limits they can suck off.
I've learned to say "no" to situations where it isn't in my best interests to say yes. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially. and believe me, when it IS something I WANT to do, and CAN do--it's given with a big, clear heart. and it's wonderful.

Cindy...154 said...

I am catching up. I loved the barney (a/k/a purple dress) post. What you said at the end about if we fail at weight loss it does not matter about all the other success in our lives. I SO SO SO relate to that. Why is it, I dunno. I know it is crazy, silly, unrealistic, negative, whatever but it happens to me all the time. If I put pounds back on I am OBSESSED with it until I take them back off. I want to get to a point where that sort of thing does not take over my thinking, but to be honest, when fluctuate up to much, I get there, in that state of nothing can be good unless my pants are no longer, that stuff. Well I guess that's something to ponder. I am glad you saved the horse. I love your compassion for animals. You really are not a fake as far as I am concerned you are very real and I appreciate your honesty in your posts, always have. Sorry for such a long comment. I think you are groovy, purple dress and all.

Cindy...154 said...

OK translation I meant to say "nothing can be good until my pants are no longer tight" - what a rambling, mumbling comment that was...it's late and bedtime..sorry

Anonymous said...

Dear Bea,

What if we define ourselves in more than one dimension? What if it isn't our weight? Or pants? What if it's who loves us and who we love? What if it's being kind and loving to ourselves? What if on a beautiful fall morning a horse needs to be herded to safety? Why does it have to be bigger than that? And what if on a beautiful fall day you stand next to a friend when she gets married? And I'm the one wearing the big dress! Love ya! Ethel

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