Thursday, September 10, 2009

Limpimg Along

I feel like my body is living at hyper speed and my brain is foggily attempting to catch up. Much going on around here at present.

In the midst of the hubbub I am attempting to find a purple dress for friend Kim's wedding. What an emotional nightmare. I am in agony about my 15 pound weight gain and each dress I try on is a fresh hell. When you gain weight nothing fits. Not your underwear or your coats or your jeans or your shoes. It costs money to replace all of that so you make do with the couple of pieces that still fit while telling yourself you will soon lose the weight and won't have to replace everything. But then comes life. I want to have clothes that fit for the week I will be at Kim's. So what was just a hunt for a big purple dress has now turned into a marathon shopping event for a whole new larger sized cheap wardrobe. I hate it.

Over the holiday weekend we went to Jenny Lake Lodge for lunch. Having thrown caution to the winds I was eating the sumptuous repast and not counting the cost when I noticed a lady at our companion table staring at me. She was drilling me with her eyeballs. I was unnerved and faltered getting my chocolate cake into my mouth. When I dropped the bite she sort of came to and looked away. As we were leaving she stopped me and apologized for staring. "I have been on a diet for a year now and I almost couldn't tear my eyes away from that cake you were eating." As she was the friend of a friend and we were in no hurry I asked her about her diet. Turns out she has lost 75 pounds so far. She has plateaued and has been stuck for six months. She is living in abject fear. We sat down at this point and talked for an hour. We discussed "failure."

I feel like a failure and so does she. To be a failure at weight loss negates every good thing in one's life. We discussed our successes and blessings. Between the two of us it was quite a list. And it didn't matter a hill of beans. If you can't get and keep the fat off you might as well be dead. I see this is stupid thinking even as I write it, nevertheless....

I have no answers and am aware that this is not an encouraging post. But it made me feel better to say it out loud.

Cheers, Bea

P.S. I look like Barney in those big purple dresses.


Annimal said...

I realized last week that I NEVER allow myself the "pat on the back" for my hard work at weight loss/health. Ever. When I was stuck in the 270s for months and the scale wasn't budging, I would think "10 pound goals--that's all I'm asking". But when I got into the 260s, instead of feeling good about it, I started with the mantra of 250s--that's all I'm asking. I stopped one day and said "why can't you feel good about where you are RIGHT now, keeping off 80 pounds?" So I decided I COULD feel good about that, PLUS continue to work on the next 10 pounds. Huh, who knew I could feel good about myself?
I like it, I like the feeling of feeling good about my accomplishments even though I've got a ways to go.
Sometimes our own worse enemy lives and breathes in our own heads. For today, I am shooing him away.

Vickie said...

a lot of people think barney is the greatest. . .they might all be under 5, but they really love him. being loved is a good thing. you are loved. (and you are very funny)