Tin Foil and Vinegar

Out of the night that covers me
Black as pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever God's may be
for my unconquerable soul.

I have turned a corner. Was headed for the bottom again and God caught me. Thank Heaven for all the people who pray for and with me.

I have carpeted the carpet with tin foil. The cats hate to walk on it. All the pee spots are now gleaming with a shiny silver light. I bought a gallon of vinegar with which to annoint the rug and the house now smells of Cesar salad rather than urine. I caught Socks in the act, rubbed her paws in the urine and put her in her cat carrier for two hours. So far, so good. Right amount of pee in the boxes this morning and no new wet spots for two days.

Have come to terms with dog. I have a small house and a large dog and two cats. I am going to have to learn to live with the pet mess. I can do it. The cats are learning to adjust also. Yesterday when Mollie was asleep they took turns jumping over her. I think this was meant to terrorize her, but it didn't work. She slept through it all. After the failed jumping torture they gave up and also took naps, within two feet of the dog.

When it came push to shove, Mark did not want to give the dog back. Said he had to take her "snow swimming." We have feet of snow. The dog plunges into it and sort of swims around. She loves it. Eats it by the gallon. Dog ice cream. Mark is very interested in training her. Has taught her to obey most commands. I am having more trouble. Turns out I am not an alpha male. Who would have guessed? She won't obey until I get mad. I hate getting mad all the time. She pushes until I have about had it, then when I am ready to throttle her, she obeys. Go figure.

Markovian theory: The cats are collaborating on a canine cookbook,"Fillet de Fido." Pounded Pekingese, Roasted Rottweiler, and Shiatsu Sushi are a some of the highlighted recipes. They expect to make millions and by our dog a good home.

Back on food plan, Thank Heaven. Not buying anymore salsa. Whoever heard of salsa being a trigger food? Also Swiss steak and jambalaya. It is the combo of tomatoes and onions. Guess what folks, very high carb those veggies together. No wonder I love it.

Okay life begins again. One day at a time. Shovel frozen dog poop, dress the carpet with vinegar, and do the laundry. By the by, we got the storm windows up in the computer room. I can now see out the window and the snowy mountain valley before me is breathtaking. I am grateful to be alive.

Take care. Love Bea

"Just a bit of gruel,

and a dog bone and a rawhide chew thing and lots of dog food and lots of people food, please?" I refuse to believe this dog is starving to death, but she believes it. We have much in common.

Help. I can't stop eating. Why? I am trying to work the food plan, and I do okay for a few hours, and then blammo, binge time. Ate a jar of salsa and a loaf of nut bread yesterday... together. I hate myself. My boobs and butt are growing as I type. Why can't I stop? I am scared.

I am depressed. Not just low after the holidays, but damn depressed. I am back to the pointless person phase. I know this is crap. I cannot seem to drag myself out of the pit. I ask for God's help and then either don't recognize the help or outright refuse it. Farts.

The cats are still peeing all over the house. It stinks in here. My renovated clean house is now filthy with cat piss. Socks attacked Mollie again this morning. Thank God the cats are declawed. Sent Mollie into fits and she knocked over a cup of tea. Stained the carpet. I don't think I can live like this. I think the dog will have to go.

Mark did not want her from the beginning. He plays with her a little but won't let her upstairs anymore since she broke some of his Japanese tea pot collection. We are not super neat people, but it is like trying to live with a horse in the house. A nervous horse. I thought this could work. I did not bargain on getting so depressed at the filth and disorder I could barely function. I am not willing to live in a torn up pigstye. Reminds me too much of living with my mother.

Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. And I think it might. And we now have to replace the new carpet in the bedroom and living room. And we are broke. Because we just put down new carpet in the bedroom and living room.

Mollie is not going to get smaller. She is never going to want to hang around with me in the house like the cats do. After an a couple of hours in the house she explodes out the door and runs around hell bent for election for fifteen or twenty minutes. Then she is ready to go for a walk or play fetch. Whomper Dinky now lives under our bed. She only comes out at night when the dog is crated. Comes out to eat and drink, and pee on the carpet. I miss her. Socks is fighting a rear gard action. But at least she is visible.

I am so conflicted I could...eat. I give the dog back and feel like a traitor to myself, or I keep the dog and resent the heck out of her every day. If I give her back I will worry about her all the time. I will also feel like the shittiest person on earth. I have boxed myself in. Help.

Take care. Love Bea

Merry Christmas from Mark, Bea the cats and the dog.

I hope you all have a blessed Christmas and a festive New Year. Don't work too hard, eat too much or stress out.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES. Love Bea

Frozen Dog Poop and Time

If anyone had told me I would daily shovel frozen dog poop into a plastic garbage can I would have called them fools. But, I am doing it. I use a rose spade.

We are now wireless. My email will have to change for the blog. So, as I do not yet know how to change it, I may be gone again for awhile. If you sent me an email message, I can't get to them. MSN/Qwest is holding them hostage. I have to sign up for dial up to retrieve the messages. I am not going to do it to read 49 messages and then quit the service. I tell you what, getting services in the wilds of Wyoming is a trip.

I am back on my food plan. Am rereading Kay Sheppard's books. I have rebelled against NEVER being able to eat "normally" again. But, I will NEVER be able to eat sugar without a trigger reaction. If I eat sugar, I eat sugar.

Cleaned house! I feel worlds better. Used shop vac and cat urine killer on the carpets. Put tin foil over the pee places. The cats hate it. Whoopee. Dog-dog untied her rope today and went on walkabout. She came back thank God. I watched her unscrew caps off water bottles and drink the water, why am I surprised she can untie knots? This dog is gonna kill me.

Okay, I have to go back to house cleaning. I found the "clock of doom." Mark says it goes, "snick, snick, snick' and "slices off seconds of his life." He has a thing about clocks, and wristwatches. I am putting it up anyway.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

A Cancer

Thank you all for your support. I needed and need it. I am trying to type up here amongst the boxes and debris. The detritus of my life. We can't find any of the mouse pads so are using some magazine about WWII. And it sticks. No storm windows so window is blocked off with a blanket. Dog is snoring. She is happy to be where ever I am. Am having awful email troubles. Can't get to it. We are supposed to be totally wireless on Friday. Means new email address. Maybe then I will be able to access the old messages. There is not one thing in my life untouched by this move. I have no center....

I am apparently trying to create a chocolate nougat one. Washed down a bag of chocolate covered pretzels with a jar of salsa yesterday. God help me, I thought I was done with all of that. I weighed 191 this am. That is ten pounds up. What if it doesn't stop? Will I weigh 250 again? I feel helpless and frightened. I have seen how people, who thought their cancer was cured, react when they are told "new spots were found." That would be me. The life threatening fat is back in spite of all my efforts. I don't seem to have any fight left in me. I can not get back to my food plan. I buy the healthy stuff, and then we go out for greasy hamburgers. The healthy stuff rots and I throw it out. Season of cheer is not helping me either.

I hate Christians who gripe and moan about Christmas. I currently hate me. I wish the damn day would just arrive already so we could be done with it! I am fat and in debt, I have a busted nose and the house smells like a kennel. (Mark says the cats are administering justice on the carpets.) I am ready for the new year.

Sorry about the pissing and moaning. I am trying to be cheerful but it is heavy (no pun) sledding at the moment. Had a massage yesterday. Almost couldn't stand for her to touch the returned blobs of fat. She told me all my chakras were totally shut down. Yeah, and my feet hurt too. Said I had no energy flow at all. What to do I enquired? "Have more fun" she said. I began to laugh and laughed until I peed. I am stony broke and up to my neck in cardboard cartons and cat urine and she tells me to "have more fun." And you know what, she is absolutely right. I have been working like a slave for almost four months now. No time off, just solid work. No wonder I am eating. A girl has to have a little pleasure in life.

So what to do? Beats me. A therapist once told me that at first nothing is ever as fulfilling as your fix. That would be me. My addiction/compulsion is at full throttle. At present nothing seems like fun but food. But that can change. I will take Dog-dog for walkies in a new place and get a fresh perspective. I will scrub kitchen floor (will make me feel A LOT better). I will read some blogs. And that is enough for today.

Thanks for listening. Take care. Love Bea

P.S. Do you all think those "diet dinners" make you hungry? I think they may be part of my problem. I am okay until I eat one at noon, and then it is downhill all the way.

P.s.s. Arlene don't fast. Never works. Get books, read books, start slow. Vickie and her "Baby Steps" is the way to do it. Cindy at "I Surrender" also goes at it in small steps. Now, with that good advice in mind, I myself am thinking of wrapping up in plastic wrap and getting into a sauna. Maybe the fat will melt.

Hi Guys

I can't really believe this computer works again. I am in shock. The wireless phone guy just left. I understood we wouldn't be up and running until Friday. I'm not sure how this is even working but I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. I'm typing as fast as my little fingers can move.

Mollie and I are fine. I am getting better trained every day. I can sit and stay already and she is presently working on fetch. Too bad I'm so dumb or I would be learning faster. The dog can now operate the microwave and is thinking about taking up knitting. I am not sure a smart dog is an altogether good thing.

I am obese again. I was just plain old fat for a year, but obesity has found me. Has made a profound impact on my life, elastic waist pants, the mormon jumper, no makeup. I would rather stay in than go out.... I can't even write about it. I thought I could, but I can't.

Going downstairs now and cook supper. Dog-dog will most likely be whipping up the Bearnaise sauce.

So glad to be back. Will spend all day tomorrow catching up. Take care. Love Bea

P.S. Markovian theory: Labs would make excellent defense attorneys. They could convince you to believe anything.

Mollie Be Good

The dog broke my nose yesterday. She hurdled through the seats to lick my face as I was turning my head to back out of a parking space. Her head hit me and "crunch" went my nose, and my bumper as I backed into the pickup behind me. I look like I have been in a bar fight. It has been a long twenty four hours.

It has been a long two weeks. Come Sunday we will have had Mollie for a fortnight. So far she has chewed her way through a new box of humidifier filters, a gallon jug of distilled water, two tennis balls and a bone. We have purchased a child gate, pinch collar, short leash, dog food, dog bowls (which she has tipped over twice thereby finishing flooding the laundry room), fence posts and 100 feet of horse fence. Oh, and a new bumper. She has broken a lamp and scratched the heck out of the buffet and both of us. We have been on countless walks. She is scared spit less of the cats.

As I sit here with my aching head and non-functional nose I am deciding if I want to keep this dog. She may just be too wild. She is nice and there is not a mean bone in her body, but she is young and uncivilized. She was untrained before she went to live at the ranchette and two months of living in a field with thirteen other dogs just made her wilder. She appears to love me to the point of nuttiness.

Therein lies one of the problems. I can't stand it. She gloms onto me and won't go away. If I move so does she. She whines if she is not at my side. I can't get anything done. I have fallen over her twice. She is learning "sit" and "stay" but not fast enough. She is driving me batty. I finally had had enough a couple of days ago and yelled "just leave me alone." I recognized the voice. I used to follow my mother around trying to touch her. She hated it and would push me away saying the same thing. Gad. I also almost hit Mollie on the head with a wooden hanger. She was jumping on me for the umteenth time and none of the stuff I have been told to do was working. I was raging mad as I hollered at her and raised the hanger. She immediately cowered at my feet. I felt no compassion. I just wanted to strangle her. What I did was call her and put her in her crate. Then I went out side where I couldn't hear her whining for me. As I stood out on that freezing step I understood a little more about my mother and I.

Another lesson in intimacy. Another lesson in trust. I have been Mollie. I have not been my mothers. Now I am. After the hanger incident shame and self hatred washed over me and I have been attempting to anchor my self in the bottomless oblivion of food. Getting smacked in the nose yesterday may have knocked some sense into me. Forced me to come up for air (to carry the nasal theme a little further.)

Both of us, Mollie and I, were badly parented. Most of my rough edges have now been loved off by the God Given Ones in my life. I am no longer whining and panting for love. I am filled up. I need to learn to give love as much as Mollie needs to learn to receive love. We are a pair forged in Heaven.

I have located the blender. Still can't find my cookbooks. I must have inadvertently given my winter sweaters away, and I need them. We go wireless on the 20th. I will croak if we have to wait much longer. I NEED TO WRITE. It is no longer a choice. I write or wither up and die.

Hope you all are doing well. I miss you more than you know. Take care.

Love Bea